World Cup 2010: "My Name Is My Name."

"Boooooooooooooring."

That's what we've been hearing a lot of in this World Cup. With only a handful of goals, South Africa and New Zealand providing the only real drama, and almost every top seed disappointing, I'm guessing that most people would rather watch the proverbial paint dry (or alternatively watch Christ being cooked slowly over a three day period).

I'm just hoping that each team was given a limited number of 'Football Drama Tokens' before the tournament, and most have opted to use them for the latter stages - so expect some right old punch ups, goals from the sky, boots being used as weapons, and bundles of 98th minute 'wonder strikes' in the coming rounds.

Sarcky Pele.

Check out Pele having a right pop at El Diego, making himself out to be the Robin Williams to El Diego's Matt Damon (a la Good Will Hunting).

"Look, I'm trying to help you El Diego, but you need to help yourself first."

Because of Pele's sarcky comments making El Diego out to be a domeless wonderboy, I'd now much rather prefer to see the Argentine pibe

jutting his beardy chin out all over touchlines at this World Cup - I've got your back mate, and whilst I'm at it, I've got yours as well Alan Moore (f**k the Gorillaz).

Rather that, than Pele walking around town, constantly referring to himself in the third person and making outlandish predictions like "the English game is all about looking after the ball" or "the game of football will win an Oscar by 2014".

Awful Status Update.

Look at this and weep:

"Brazil's got it inda bag bruv. there unbeatable there da best, there gonna win the world cup."

And this is from an English girl. Where do I start?

Wild Claim(s) Of The Day.

Winston Reid to be playing in the Premier League next season, for either Blackpool or Everton. Okay, so that's not that wild...how about Marek Hamsik to star in the first ever Slovak Manga movie?

Poor Ol' Robbie Earle.

Tut tut tut, what will we do without the smooth Ragga Muffin on our box sets for the rest of the World Cup? Come on ITV, surprise us - my bet is on James Corden pimping his fat belly (again) for a seat next to Andy 'The Trumpet' Townsend.

Another World Cup Legend Puts The Boot In.

Yes Franz, we all know that the way England play "has very little to do with football", but what we don't need is someone like you telling us. Let's be fair, you're also the twat who didn't know who Steven Gerrard was - not until he smashed one in against you in that Legendary Five One Win.

Interesting Fact(s).

That Felipe Melo is a MASSIVE Gary Lineker fan. Weird, huh? Oh, and that Riquelme could be joining West Ham - not really a fact, I know, but it had to go somewhere. Have they not learnt from the whole Paulo Futre debacle?

Oh, and did you know that the Budesliga had a full twelve months playing with this notorious new ball? Cheats.

Brazil Stanfield.

Thoughts? Here you go:

1) Maicon's goal was definitely a cross, and that's exactly what I was, when Clive Tyldesley said that Maicon had just "done what only a Brazilian can do". Clive, come down to the park with me and you'll see dozens of cross-come-shots. But no good football.

And then, when picked up on it, he desperately tried to back up his claim by whimpering "yes, but I bet half a million people at home are saying he meant that." No Clive, only five. And they're morons.

2) Robinho's pass to Elano for the second goal had Barca written all over it - are you watching Rosell?

3) I was distressed to see Dunga sporting my jumper from my third year in university, but I mentioned him dressing badly before, so I had been warned.

I think Barney Ronay (one of the most underrated journo's out there me thinks) summed him up best by describing Dunga as looking like "an anxious skipper of a shark fishing boat on his first ever trip to a gay night club." Spot on.

4) They call him 'The People's Rooney', and I wish ours showed this much passion during the national anthem.

What a lej, it's what all good World Cup folklore is about.

5) Oh, did anyone hear the drums break through the boring drone of the vuvuzela's in this match? Thank god, this is the end, beautiful friend.

6) ITV's worried analysis of the Brazilian bench showed all their flaws at once. Chris Coleman thought that they lacked any attacking prowess. Okay, so this guy, that guy, and the other guy are shit then, basically. Idiota.

7) After initially mishearing the name Ji Yu-Nam, I became really annoying and kept screaming out "Cheese And Ham!" every time he got the ball. Then he went and bloody scored, so needless to say I had the last laugh.

8) Brazil don't need to fret about what their critics think about them - like Marlo Stanfield once said, "my name is my name", and Brazil are Brazil.

Ivorian / Portuguese Thoughts.

1) Crissy Ronaldo - one game, one awful dive. And we're off.

2) ITV playing a Ronaldo montage to a James Brown soundtrack - the Godfather of Soul somehow merging with a fella who has none. Well done tele, you spackers.

3) Still on Crissy (come on, you knew it would be this way), why does he do that awfully over-dramatic puffing of the cheeks before he proceeds to take a god-awful forty yard free kick? If you're not careful Crissy, you're going to become Roberto Carlos. But without any of the nice attributes that he had.

4) Deco is now officially a recluse when it comes to football, the only reason he stays on the pitch is because Carlos Queiroz is great admirer of anyone who has a face like a teddy bear.

5) That Siaka Tiene and Kouassi Gervinho both had good games, but will they stick around long enough to secure themselves that summer transfer to a top club?

6) If Sven has the Ivory Coast keeping the ball for longer than ten seconds, what does that say about his time as England boss? I firmly remember him getting stick for playing kick and rush football, as is Capello now, but then why has his management style changed so dramatically all of a sudden? Exactly, it was the players - it always has been the rule that we can pass it sixty yards, but not six.

7) Also, ITV continued to berate the bloke for playing negatively in their first group game, and likened it to how he made England negative as well. Hold on, didn't Ivory Coast lose their first two group games in the last World Cup, therefore crashing out within 180 minutes of football? No wonder he's keeping it tight, he actually wants a chance of getting through the group this time you knobheads. If he kept it wide open then they'd probably lose 3-0 and we'd see that horrible little Crissy score a hat trick - who wants that?!

8) Easily the Second Most Passionate National Anthem Singer Award goes to Portuguese keeper Eduardo - what a belter! Made Tony Adams look like a pussy.

Tweet Of The Day.

The Real Ronaldo gave us this nougat of Brazilian flair after Elano's goal:

"vamossssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! vou errar so os autores dos gols !!!!!!!"