World Cup 2010: Actual World Cup Fever.

As I loaded up the shop fridge with Milky Bars this morning, an old man came to get served at the counter. Seeing me wearing my Brazil Penta 2002 shirt, he started dithering around for change and struggling with his words. Eventually he came out with something football related, along the lines of:

"It all kicks off today hey? It's a shame about Ronaldo isn't it?"

Now, I ignored the Ronaldo bit and carried on with the usual:

"Yeah, not long now. Can't wait. Fingers crossed for the boys hey?"

But he was having none of it. In fact, he got more animated (probably thinking I had no idea about the news on Ronaldo). He again reiterated the shame around Ronaldo not being there. I automatically presumed he meant the Real Ronaldo, as he's known in Thandi House, and told him that he hasn't been picked for Brazil in a long time. But he insisted it was that twat Cristiano, so I immediately went into panic that this flakey old man knew more about football than me. Trying to retain my composure, I pretended I knew what was happening and went along with him. Then he comes out with:

"Shame, him and Rooney work well together. Now what?"

Now it became evident. He was having a footballing fit. This was actual World Cup Fever, transcending into World Cup Madness. He was under the impression that England had been playing every week since last September and were managed by a Scotsman. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was thinking of Manchester United, and comforted him with the fact that at least we still have Nemmy Vidic at the back.

All the tell-tale signs are there. The tattered 1990-1998 England shirts, the obscenely large St. George's flags draped over front porches and garages, white vans taking a hint from BA Baracus and painting a giant red cross on their sides, and that air of national pride waiting to spill over into xenophobic slurs this coming Saturday night. World Cup Fever is among us in Langold, and I'm going to have to stay on my toes if I'm going to get through it without losing my nut over preposterous football conversations.

Onto the actual World Cup itself. Whilst watching the plastic and soulless Kick Off Concert last night, I knew we were off to a bad start from the off, when Trevor Nelson appeared on the screen. Now, I understand he's a Chelsea fan 'through and through', but then why is it that I can imagine him putting on pretty much any Top Four club shirt in order to get an extra hour on the decks in Ibiza? He's always struck me as an MTV Footy Fan, who share a lot of likenesses to the New Age Premier League Fan (different to the Premiership Fan, as they remember nothing before Roman Abramovich).

So, things were underway and I gritted my teeth as the show went on. Black Eyed Peas. I even got through that 'performance', but it was when I heard all the South Africans singing:

"New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do when you're in New York."

Ignore that fact it's not relevant (none of the show was), but isn't that a bit mad? Surely South Africans shouldn't have to bleet on about New York, when they should be able to realise their dreams somewhere in their continent at least. And let's face it, the possibility of that happening to them is the same as Randy Wagstaff coughing up everything he knows about the murder of Lex, busting out of that group home, finding Ellis Carver and setting up a Baltimore grocery store with funding from Prez.

Then I heard Sepp Blatter is standing for re-election as FIFA President. Seems like he's learnt his stuff at the Burmese School of Politics. Oh well, at least this didn't tick me off as much as Darren Lewis on Sky Sports News this morning.

Talking about the prospect of the first World Cup on African soil, Darren stated:

"As a black man, I'm especially proud of it being in South Africa."

Now, this I can get. But then he went on moaning about how everything has been against South Africa, with people thinking the stadiums wouldn't be finished on time and what not. Really Darren? I wonder why that was then? Perhaps because we don't believe you, and nor did FIFA as they bailed South Africa out earlier this year. He seems to me like a twat who actually relishes the black/white divide, so he can stay on The Black List of The Voice newspaper. And then he finishes it all off by saying the World Cup will break down racial boundaries in South Africa - but yet, as a black man, you're especially proud of it being held there. Is it just me, or is that reinforcing the exact same boundaries you're twating on about?

"Whooo, we feel ESPECIALLY proud of it being in a majority black country."

I'm sure the white and brown people do as well Darren. Talking of reinforcing divides, judging by the BBC World Cup opening sequence, South Africa doesn't exactly strike you as a First World country does it? I'm sure people won't be mingling with lions and gorilla's in the fan zones, that's just silly. And dangerous.