World Cup 2010: Yes, Another Inquiry.

As the texts flooded into my phone that it was now 4-1 to Germany, I sat there in the gurdwara and knew this was an altogether different type of English exit from a major tournament.

Traveling back up north I heard it was woeful and embarrassing, with England being outplayed, outclassed and out-thought. So it came as a bit of a surprise when I settled down in the middle of the night to see the ITV highlights, and we didn't look that bad when we had the ball. It seemed we were caught out due to woeful and embarrassing defending more than anything. Putting this down to biased editing, I went on with my life.

So, with a confused brain, I decided it best that all my England points of view should conform to the national consensus - moronic arguments about pay packages (which I'll come to later) and a team that all seems to like drinking it's own Kool Aid (aka believe themselves to be better than they actually are). Until I watched the full ninety minutes yesterday.

People really have no idea what they're banging on about, do they? Just because the papers all adhere to the newest English Football Doomsday protocol (we've had so many), doesn't mean people should dismiss how the match actually panned out.

What We All Know.

That the way England defended was beyond any explanation outside of the England set-up. There's no point listening to us all gabbing about how reckless and indisciplined it was (both being very English traits anyway). We all saw John Terry go up for the free kick at 2-1 down, and then play 'tricky winger' for the throw-in at 3-1 - no defender would do this. But a baby-haired tosser with a Leader Complex would, being a twat that has been overrated from Jump Street (I've said this for ages by the way, but nobody listened, tut).

But what we should be asking is who trained the team to defend like it did, and what explanations have they got for us. And if we're going there, I'd like to know the honest thoughts of the players and manager on the whole campaign - not just one game.

What We All Should Know.

The 2-2 disallowed goal was a major 'game changer'. There, I said it, and I enjoyed it too.

Yes, we may have gone on to lose 6-2, but that's not the point. The point is that at this stage we may have scraped a win on penalties, Rooney could have scored the goal of the tournament, Capello could have slapped Joachim, and we would not have had Germany just sit back for the whole second half. Basically, anything could have happened.

A mate of mine who's against technology in football insists it takes the purity out of the game, detracts from the drama, undermines the ref's authority and can't be in place at all levels of the sport.

To him, and anyone who says the same, I just want to say:

1) That if a sport is relying on refereeing mistakes to add drama and purity to it, then there's something seriously wrong with that sport. Football has so much drama anyway, it doesn't need to stake fairness to add more.

2) So what if technology can't be in place at all levels of the game? Just because the Langold Boys team doesn't get the same treatment as countries at the 2010 World Cup, it doesn't mean nations should be unfairly kicked out of a tournament that only rolls around every four years.

3) Technology isn't the be all and end all, you dicks, it's an AID for the ref. He chooses to use it or not, in order to correct any human errors. Simple.

4) I don't know the exact reasoning why FIFA don't want to use technology in football, but to not use it is the equivalent of you being told by your Geography teacher that you can't use the internet to research your GCSE project on silt.

Other than that, I just want to address my confusion at the start - about us being outclassed. I opt to think that we were out-thought, as Germany played tidy and precise football - but in the large part it was ineffectual. They let us keep the ball for long periods, probably because they knew we'd lose it from a hopeful sixty yard pass from the back. Honigstein says it best:

"The German's were better on the ball, had a better game plan and they had individuals who surprised themselves by reaching new heights."

England lacked courage in their football, had a minimal number of decisive attacks, and simply weren't good enough. This is true. But to say the Germans outclassed England totally by running rings round us, is simply uneducated.

Outclassed is Italy in the 1970 World Cup Final. Look it up you Premier League-supporting muppets.

It is the score-line and the team's defending that is humiliating. Not the ambition of the England team, that's just under the tag of 'not good enough'. For me, Algeria was a far worse performance as we really lacked any attacking threat, invention or general football demeanour in that one (yes, I know Hansen said the Germany game was four levels below the Algeria one, but he's still Scottish). Hey, we may as well go on and lose 4-1 if we're 2-1 down and chasing it, that's what I was taught in P.E. anyway.

Quickly - England Fans.

Please stopping being stupid. That's all I ask of you. I've lost count the amount of times I've heard fans recite word for word what the papers are saying - grow your own opinions in that thing above your eyes.

Listening to 5Live and Talksport I heard the phrase 'technical ability' (and England's lack of it) more than fifty times in fifteen minutes. Do these people even know what this phrase means? To me, it just seems a buzz word for idiocy, and highlights the fact that you really have nothing new to say.

Also, if you made a mistake then own up to it. There's so many people I personally know who agreed with Phil Thompson that Rooney was "streets ahead" of Messi. But now, they've changed their mind, but not in admitting that they were wrong, but because Rooney didn't turn up this summer. This kind of thinking is exactly why fans are the worst people to listen to when it comes to our national side - they just personify the island mentality we have of a 'divine right' to be better than everyone else at football.

We are not. And as for moaning about the wages of these players and how that makes them rubbish...who the f**k do you think funds the Premier League circus you mong? It's an entertainment industry that we all pay into, so don't moan about the wages - stop paying and get off the ride. Now.

Quote Of The Week.

When throwing a hissy fit on BBC radio about the behaviour of the England players, this fan attempted to back Fabio - only to make me realise this is why fans know Sweet FA really.

"We could have had Mickey Mouse in charge of the England team, and we still wouldn't have done better."

A Word On Capello.

We need to break this English trend of expecting, failing and repeating again, and for that reason I think we should keep Don Fabio in charge. That, and the fact that if Redknapp takes charge of England then I truly will stop watching football.

In this country, the Premier League is a foreign league. Nobody outside of it can relate to it, but really want to be in it. It's a bit like London. With the silly amount of foreign influence in the league, why then do you want an Englishmen to be in charge of the players who ply their trade here? Plus, the seal has been broken since Sven, so we're way past this argument now.

If a lot of our English players played abroad, and the England team had a uniform style and formation that they could adapt to (a la Brazil or Argentina) then yes, get an Englishmen in charge. But I'd rather have miscommunication from my manager if he can then bring something new to the set up. Yes, I know, Don Fabio is yet to do this - but he does need time, and at his age the question is if he's really up for it. I don't think anybody has a good replacement in mind, and remember - this is not simply a case of bad team management, so let's not repeat our mistakes.

And if that's not convincing you, well read this then. Ha!

Alright Then Billy Big Bollocks, What Do You Suggest?

First, let's just admit that the national side is not a major priority in this country, and the club game is. Done? Good, now we can move on.

The Premier League is our greatest strength, as well as our greatest weakness. A player like Connor Wickham is being praised to the high heavens within the sport, but have we noticed? Well, he's not playing in the Premier League, so of course not.

Look, Trevor Brooking believes that the current England Under 17's side is the best passing group we've ever had, and I for one take his word on it (he's not one for hyperbole). But do we have a bridge from where these young players can break into the top flight football here? Not so much, so who do we call?

The F Bloody A.

I have to agree with Crissy Waddle on how the FA approach the national side, and our stance with adopting foreign systems. Taking into account this brilliant article showing just how hard it is to change anything in English football, we still have to look to the future.

No matter how long it takes us to adapt and change for the good of our national game, we can't keep trudging out these old promises of 'inquiries into the English game', 'not enough coaches' and 'root and branch reviews' - these arguments are simply echoes from a post-Graham Taylor era. Yet, at the moment, we're doing it again. So sad.

If we should look at anyone for tips, it should be the Germans. From the year 2000, they knew their national game needed to change if it was to compete. After looking at French academies, they decided to take a massive step and get the DFB to work with the Bundesliga for the benefit of the national side (making sure every time had an academy and such like).

So, instead of the Premier League taking over the England team, why not work with the FA? Learn from this failed experiment by giving our youth policies a common goal, by building Burton to create an influx of English coaches, by aiming to provide our national manager with a massive menu of different players to pick from (so players can fill in, like Khedira for Ballack) and basically by seeing just how this relationship benefitted the Germans.

To come back to the start of this post, this was an altogether different exit for England, because this time even our best excuse and scapegoat can't hide the fact that there is something dangerously wrong within the English game. But it can change, if the right people make the right decisions and earn their pay packets.

I still believe that this New Age of English football that I hang on to, can be born out of this 4-1 result. Maybe, years later we can look back on the 2010 World Cup as a turning point in our footballing history, when we started to wrong all the rights about our national game. Maybe, just maybe.

World Cup 2010: Please Give Me Five.

Dear Reader,

As you will undoubtedly understand, I am still re-wiring my brain from the England result against Germany. Therefore, please give me 'five minutes' to gather my thoughts, so that I may write some bullshit or another on my meaningless views on English football.

Yours apologetically,

Chikayne.

World Cup 2010: 'England Only' Post.

I was going to start this blog off with a review of Luis 'El Pistolero' Suarez - his life and times, his career going forward from that winner against South Korea, that sort of thing.

But then I thought, if I was a reader of this powerfully average blog, I wouldn't care less if Luis was curling them in beautifully from the edge of the box - it's England versus Germany, you dick.

And you'd be right.

So, I'm allowing myself to let patriotism take over. And boy it feels good. I realised that last year I'd made an utterly wild statement that England will win the World Cup in 2010. Now, I'm not the type to predict such things, I'm always hedging me bets - so this was particularly peculiar behaviour.

But look at the side. Look at our World Cup Group. Look at Don Fabio in charge.

It was a New Age wrapped up in Old Age toilet paper (aka people like Frank 'Fatty' Lampard, David 'Gay?' James, Michael 'The Welsh Wizard' Owen), and I honestly thought this England set-up could finally deliver. But then it gets to six weeks before the tournament starts, and I start questioning myself.

Then we played the U.S.A. and looked terrible. Then it got worse. How was this possible? A year ago this was a side that could challenge the likes of Argentina and Brazil. So by the Slovenia game, I'd already descended into a pit of mardyness about the 2010 World Cup.

"Aren't the South Africans great?"

"No, they're shit and will be lucky to finish third in their group."

"My bets are on Brazil, if not Spain."

"Really? Did you read that in Take A Break? Why don't you grow some balls and make a decision for yourself - like bet on Japan?"

"Those horns are so much fun."

"What? You're serious, aren't you? Sorry, I think my brain is too large for this conversation."

That's pretty much how I approached people in the shop, anyway.

But now we're here, and things are looking rosy (apart from my predicament about actually getting to watch the match). And I'm starting to believe again.

This may have something to do with how the papers are always loving a good 'stoke up' of old racist fires. Or it could be something to do with how clips of Fabio on the touchline (and bullying Psycho) make me glad to have a foreign manager in charge.

Could it be this brilliant article from Honigstein, that maps out how England can be victorious on Sunday?

Or maybe it's for my belief that Fabio has no chip on his shoulder in the shape of Germany, and so our players will see them for what they are. Simply eleven other players on the pitch. Not a massive, smug and efficient machine that creates new nightmares for us every time we face them.

Remember 5-1 people. Remember Stevie Gee teaching Didi Hamman a lesson in the middle of the field. Remember how good Gazza actually was. Remember John Barnes coming on against Argentina in '86, and almost winning the game for us. Remember Barry Davies screaming "Go on! Run at them!" when he did come on.

Remember 1990. Remember England Irie. Remember that Owen goal in 1998. Remember Punk, Ska, British Blues and Trance Nation. Remember Coogan, Cleese, Morris, Sellars and Palin.

Then think of this side we have, and how we can beat the Germans. And the Argies. And we'll see what happens when it comes to Brazil. Then think of me, furiously checking my phone for updates, and biting my tongue when we score.

And if that doesn't get you up for it, then you have a heart wrapped in sellotape, that's slowly pruning up into a pea-sized ball, resembling a week-old chewed piece of gum. You fascist.

World Cup 2010: Mick's Parasite Football.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, but - why are we thinking, let alone talking, about penalty shootouts four days before an England match?

That says a lot about our mind-sets, doesn't it? I know the brainless issue of shootouts might appeal to a numbskulled troglodyte Sun-ite, but does it seriously merit this front page?

Ignore the awful headline (it's not even clever), and the fact that this front page story is based on a Sun Survey (so, that's some guy with a whippet in a pub in Essex that has gathered the statistics) which proves the Germans are 'wurst' at pens than us, but look at the six-inches long story on the far left hand side (yes, zoom in).

There's something wrong in this country if the death of four British servicemen is nudged to the corner of the front page of the Nation's Best-Selling Newspaper, by a story about the England team's history in penalty shootouts.

Get over it lads, we're not very good at pens and that's that. Brazil aren't very good at defending, but you don't see them banging on about it constantly.

A Glitch In The Matrix.

That's what David James is. He's an anomaly. An aberration.

I mean, look at this pic:

It says everything. The guy is obviously intelligent, very articulate, confident and sensible. In fact, I'd have him speak at my first child's birthday party. But on the pitch, he becomes a right silly twat - a bit like how he gets in a studio to do shoots like the one above.

What happens to him? Which group of us is he fooling exactly - his supporters, or his critics? I'm not sure, but I think if you figure that out, you figure the streets out.

Funny, Small French Man.

So, Patrice Evra has decided to blame the vuvuzela's for the French World Cup campaign. All I'm going to say is, he was there, we weren't - so who knows?

Oh, and I honestly think Patrice would be a great shout to play Napoleon in any upcoming movie - he has that aura about him. Or is that just me thinking that he probably has a Napoleon Complex?

Mick's Parasite Football.

Mick McCarthy was a punditry revelation during the Brazil v Portugal match. The game was so annoying, he at one point even said that he hoped for an elbowing incident, just so that they had something to talk about. Now that's dedication to the cause.

But his Tour De Force was when he described the Portuguese team as playing 'parasite football' - they were merely feeding off any mistakes that Brazil made.

He's absolutely right, and seems to have coined a phrase that describes that type of football brilliantly. I now intend to use this phrase throughout my life, and may even bend the rules and use it for other things such as 'parasite music' or 'parasite filming'.

Moving onto the parasitic team itself, I'm left feeling a little strange that Portugal have got through to the next round due to one freak result. I know, England are similar, but at least we didn't get our own hopes up by winning 7-0. At this moment in time, Portugal remind me of a Big Sam Allardyce team, but instead of Jay Jay they have Ronaldo.

The fact that the BBC decided to have an opening package for this game, consisting of heavily edited sequences of balls being dribbled every three minutes, only made me doubt the fact that this match would be any good. Oh, and I also agree with Seedorf that Ronaldo is not yet an all-time great (due to the fact he hasn't carried a team at the top level - a bit like Messi is doing in this tournament). So, to all you Premiership fans: HA, IN YOUR FACE! Even Drogba's a better leader than Crissy Ronaldo!

As For Those Brazilians.

I told you they needed another creative force behind the striker(s). Baptista was such a waste of space, and bar some nice passes here and there, he was like Duncan Ferguson in the middle of the park. Okay, not as tall, but having the same effect in that position.

And you have to question a striker who describes a goal that he hand-balled twice, as "one of the most beautiful I have ever scored." Yes, Luis Fabiano, I'm on about you.

Golden Bench Prize Winner.

No matter how nice Leonardo is outside of football (ahem, that elbow in '94 anyone?), it seems the job at AC Meelan was beyond him. So, Massimiliano Allegri (what a great first name) is the man in charge of Ronnie & Co.

Looking at his CV, his attacking style lead Cagliari to ninth and twelfth place within two seasons in Serie A, bagging him the Golden Bench Prize on the way. But is the Meelan job a step too far for him? I happen to think so. I mean, it's like Roy Hodgson being appointed as Liverpool manager.

Oh.

Feelings For Chile.

Before I harp on about how bad I felt for Chile during the Spain match, let me just say:

1) I love their training top. I want one...it's my 30th this year, so I've dropped the first big hint.

2) ITV's lurid ninety seconds of television is just not on. Before an advert break, Adrian Chiles piped up with "before we go, we're just going to leave you with a decision to make" and we were presented with these two ladies:

Disgusting. ITV, you are a big, fat, pompously chauvinistic pig. As the shot lingered on the women for all ninety seconds, not one person in the studio said a word ( I think Edgar was still stoned though, so that's his excuse). You could almost hear Chiles lathering up and getting ready to release his man-fat. Somebody should write a letter....even so, send your answers on which one on a postcard, or in the comments section below.

3) Yes, Another 'Most Disturbing Thing This World Cup' Addition:

Ignore the uncomfortable feeling you get whilst you're watching this, as well the desperate aspect of ITV trying to 'capture the World Cup atmosphere', and ask yourself - what insight does this interview bring to me about being a Spanish fan?

Okay, so your team is brilliant - we get that. What's that, you have to win? I think we gathered that by looking at the group table. Ah, you say you have a great side? That's a bit like your first point really, isn't it? Oh, I see, so now you're going to just continue speaking gobbledygook so that we all laugh at the funny foreigners on our screens.

No thanks, piss off to the game, where you'll no doubt ruin some poor bastards match experience by blowing on your ruddy vuvuzelas.

Now, onto the match itself. I was buoyed by the news that Chile had warmed up with a full fifteen minute keepy-uppy session before the game, so I was hoping for a nice fair game of football.

But football is far from fair.

I was amazed at how fluid the Chilean formation was, even more so than their first group game. At some points, their right backs were playing attacking midfield, and the way they kept possession from Spain was mind-bottling. Even how they harried the Spanish off the ball constantly made me yearn for England to play like this on Sunday.

But then it all went pear shaped, coming from something sublime and cocky from David Villa, accompanied by a harsh sending off. At least they're through now though, and they even bought on Rodrigo Millar - who I only mention as he's know as the 'Little Clown' at Colo Colo, and celebrates his goals there by donning a comedy red nose. That's classic Lenny Henry.

Team Of The Group Stages.

Eneyeama

Maicon Kjaer Tulio Coentrao

Sanchez Ayew Ozil Messi

Forlan Villa

Coach: El Diego

World Cup 2010: A Saifi Slap.

Well, here we go already - the beef is on people, we're all getting wound up nice and tight for Sunday - and this time, the Germans started it first.

When Franz said what he said when he said it, about footballers like he said about England...I've kept really quiet, but I would love it if we beat them on Sunday, absolutely love it.

Oh, hold on, apparently it was all actually a misquote, and what he said was:

"Dummerweise haben die Englander ein bissel gepatzt" which means "England messed up a little."

Cheers English Media, now I have to go back on my excellent 'Love It' speech. And put away my Spitfire.

"That Emile Heskey Is Assed Out!"

As Emile came on in the last minutes of the Slovenia game, the pub I was in became divided - with a bunch of Sixth Formers screaming in anguish, and a load of us older lot praising Fabio's nouse. All of a sudden, it reminded me of all those arguments I've had over Emile being in the England squad (not first eleven, squad) - especially one at a party I went to a few years back, in London.

Now, the lads I was gabbing to were typical Bobby's (aka a British Asian equivalent to a Barry, or a chav if you like). After deriding me for not following either Arsenal, Liverpool or Man United (yes, these are the only teams you're allowed to support if you're a British Asian), we somehow moved onto the topic of Heskey for England.

It didn't take long for the argument to descend into one similar to that one in Clockers, where a bunch of hoppers discuss the merits of Chuck D and hard rap. It seems that Emile will always be looked upon for "not scoring enough" for England, which is a fair point if that was what he's in the team for in the first place.

As they hounded at me like a pack of spikey-haired wolves, laughing at my points and generally making me out to be a tit, I had no option but to leave the pack and sulk in a corner with my Southern Comfort and lemonade - thinking that only me, Capello, Eriksson and Martin O' Neill knew what we were on about.

Really, In A World Cup Semi?

Yes, this time round we will be witnessing a semi final featuring either Uruguay, U.S.A., South Korea or Ghana. I've been partial to Underdog Syndrome many times before (Iran and England, come on), but this is just silly. One of these teams winning the World Cup would just be a re-enactment of Euro 2004, and nobody really remembers owt that went on that year.

Do we all want to be in the pub in 2016, mulling over our pints at what great passages of play the Yanks produced, or how dramatic the South Koreans made the 2010 World Cup? Do we, really? I honestly don't think anybody I know has taken the slightest interest in the teams mentioned, up until now, whereas we all know how good the Spanish, Argies and Brazil are. Jesus wept.

And just because France and Italy have crashed out, whilst Japan, South Korea and the Yanks have progressed, this does not mean there is a New World Order in football. It's like the Magic Of The FA Cup, with a top team going on to win it in the end anyway - these guys are just filling up our time until the proper teams come along.

Best React Quote.

This has got to go to 'The English Nassir Jones' - Klashnekoff.

Yes, the man behind those gentile lyrics "K, lash ya rasclat neck off...stab the beat with a dagger, the Hackney hack attacker."

After the Italy game, as those chiseled footballers let it all out on the pitch and begged for the football Gods to strike them down after a humiliating campaign, the London MC summed it all up brilliantly in one short, but sweet, sentence.

"1 mans crying with hes hands on hes face. Vexed."

He's right, I'd be vexed if England had only really started playing how they can play for the last twenty minutes of our last group game. Okay, we weren't that far off in the end, but still.

As a side note, why were the Italians and the English the most scared players at this World Cup? You could actually feel their nerves through the tele - let's just blame it on The Media.

Female Journo Has A Cry.

I have to say, I'm with Rafik Saifi on this one. You've just been knocked out of the World Cup with a 91st minute goal from a guy with a forehead the size of a football. All you can think about is how disappointed you are, how you've let your family, friends and country down (how many of us truly know how that feels?!) and the amount of stick you're going to get when you get in. Then some journo, who really has no idea how you're feeling at this time, comes poking their Algerian nose into your personal space. I think a dismissive hand gesture isn't the worst thing you could do there, and if it takes the form of a slap, well that's just your own fault for getting too near me in the first place.

Best Non-Footballing Poster.

Let's not forget the old Tory poster from this past campaign:

And now I'm going to have ten year old kids having a pop at me because their Chewits have gone up in price. Cheers politics.

Last Great Dane.

As the Danes pack up their bacon sarnies and head home, I can't help but wonder when the last great Danish player had come about. We all know the Laudrup's were the a little bit, but the country has been churning out a host of mediocre players for the best part of twenty years.

Poulsen. Rommedahl. Gronkjaer. Helveg. Jorgensen.

And that's only the start. Possibly their best player has been their goalie, Schmeichel.

Let's just hope that the likes of Eriksen and Kjaer can bring some much needed light to this dark doldrum of a once great footballing nation.

Okay, I May Have Been A Bit Harsh.

Yes, Keisuke Honda seems to have stepped it up in the last two games, and in turn as made me look like a right mug. Just as I had tipped the Italians to get to the final this year (them and the Argies, so I'm not a complete fool), I had called this lad over-rated.

(Come on, I couldn't resist putting this pic up in a Honda-themed post)

So, it seems I can add Honda to the list of Things I've Got Wrong. He's up there with my predictions on the career of the Spice Girls ("be around for a month, max"), Lil' Wayne's hip hop credentials (I'm told he's been the main 'player' in the 'game' for a while now), the movie The Descent (yes, it is very good after watching it the second time) and Danny Baker (who, in real life, is very funny and generally nice).

Dream Team For Next Season?

Well, it won't be Valencia, that's for sure. After losing Villa, and Silva looking on his way, old Barca have sneaked underneath the radar to add yet another up-and-coming star to their ranks - Juan Mata. Yes, their team will be playing like silly buggers next season - especially when this young lad can do this in front of the whole Spanish squad in warm up, leaving them all with their heads in their hands.

World Cup 2010: An Industrious Rock.

Yesterday, I finally realised that I am a moron. A footballing moron.

A bit of background to my realisation - due to unforeseen circumstances, my life seems to have got in the way of the World Cup. My fiance's parents and my own, have called a 'meet' of the Five Families for Sunday 27th June, 2010.

I know. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as the second half started in the England v Algeria game. After a few days of convincing myself that a 2-0 win wasn't entirely beyond England (against Slovenia - this is how far we've come as England fans), I was beginning to believe the hype throughout the Slovenia match.

What a great comeback to form. The best game Steven Gerrard has ever had for England. Defoe making us look like all those years crossing the ball between defender and goalkeeper were worth it. Lampard getting into the box, even if it took the team fifteen minutes of awfullness to get him there. My god, even the ramshackle display by Upson (okay, apart from that tackle) had not taken the shine off the result.

But then Rooney hits the post. Defoe misses a great chance. Joe Cole comes on to no effect. Terry leaps like a limp fish out of water for a lost ball.

Yes, my worst nightmare (my worst one, yeah) has come true. I am now going to miss the first competitive England match in my lifetime. And it's against Germany. I'm sure there's plenty of fathers and 'professionals' out there who've missed a few. But this is my first, and as they say - 'the first cut shall be deepest'.

So, as we missed our chance to top the group and give ourselves the chance of the easiest route to a World Cup final in twenty odd years, I felt my manhood slip away throughout the ninety minutes. For an awful, selfish second of my life, I thought;

"Well, if I can't watch it, nobody should."

And I thought of a loss for England making my life that little bit easier. Yes, I am thinking exactly what you're thinking, and hate mail can be directed to my comments box below the post.

But, as I said; I am a moron.

I'm sort of like the people who have houses like these:

Or get in the local paper doing things like this:

Or simply, be like people who will England to lose, just so that they don't have to sit with a cold cup of tea in their hands, wearing a fixed-on smile and having their alien wedding ceremonies dictated to them from families that are doing it because they 'love' their kids (when really, they're doing it to grasp hold of some power and tradition over the life of a child who seems to have inexplicably moved on).

Yes, I am still bitter. And for that reason I will bullet point anything I thought was interesting since I've been away.

1) North Korea are well shit. And Portugal to win it. No, but to be absolutely fair, isn't this what happens when 'weaker' teams don't park the bus in front of goal? Who needs a 7-0 defeat to take back to Dear Leader?

2) Is Kleberson really a better addition to the Brazil squad than Ganso, or even Neymar? Now that Kaka is out for a game (not to say off form) and Elano not looking like he can carry the weight with that Cirque de Robinho, surely another attacking midfielder would have been a good shout?

3) Italy are like the latter day career of Chris Nolan. With a surprising re-boot of an old franchise in the last World Cup, it seems that they're going to flatter to deceive, like Nolan's latest movie.

4) I really hope Fabio Coentrao isn't another another Paulo Ferreira or Paul Parker, I want this lad to play left wing for Everton for a season and then move to Man City, where he can make a lethal combination with Andy Johnson.

5) Stuff like this gives me hope for football discussions worldwide.

6) I think someone like Regi Blinker would be a a better winger in the World Cup, than in the Premier League of the 1990's. This is the same Regi, who is now a magazine publisher - weird huh?

7) I've always had a pop at a centre back choosing to pass sixty yards rather than set up play from the back, but that comes from watching England too much. I do fancy that Kjaer to carry on the tradition though, and hopefully make me love those diagonal passes.

8) Is Marcelo Bielsa really the most attacking coach in world and, as the BBC would have it, does he really "scrutinize every possible football game he can"? I'm not sure if that's possible to prove, although Chile still look pretty to look at.

9) My favourite quote in ages, adding to my already large respect for Zlatan:

(To a female reporter, after being asked if he's 'well gay' with Gerard Pique)

"Come to my house and you'll see if I'm gay. And bring your sister."

10) Kun Aguero loves to grind an angle toward goal. He'd be the perfect proto-type for Pro Evolution 3D.

11) Val Kilmer is opening a B&B. Wow.

12) Gabby does it once more with a great piece on wha' gwanin' in this World Cup.

13) Martin Demichelis is an amazing centre-back to watch. If you stare at him for around five minutes, it seems that he feels the pressure of you looking at him constantly, and then always kiffs up on the pitch. Brilliant.

14) Andre Ayew has been a rock for Ghana in every group game of this tournament. An industrious, skillful rock that wears bright red boots, that is.

15) Javier Pastore looking like a eventful young fellow when he came on for the Argies. New Kaka anyone?

16) Georgie Thompson murks her co-presenter. "You, horror." Urgh.

17) It seems that Lionel has a passion for Noel and Liam. But in the right way.

18) Man City's new lad, Jerome Boateng, looked up for it in the Germany v Ghana game. But for me, he didn't 'let his feet do the talking'. Nice beef with his brother though.

19) One for all you ball geeks out there, I know you love it. Sod the Jubalani.

20) Oh, and isn't Cacau simply a good Carlton Cole?

World Cup 2010: Half-Time With ED-209.

They say that the city is full of a million stories. Well, Langold may not be a city, but boy does it have stories?

Yes, yes it does. As I watched a father and son picking out sweets after home-time, my ears pricked up when the young lad asked his dad about when England last won the World Cup. The dad, dressed in a sharp suit and with overly-slick hair posed a question to his son - "when do you think we won it?"

The boy, tilting his head to one side and smiling, said "five years ago?" Grinning, the father kept up the act. However, after three or so fruitless attempts to get the answer on his own, the father helped his son the best way he thought possible.

"If I say we won it forty four years ago, what year would that be?"

Right, now I was fully enthralled in this interaction - the dad seemed to have turned such a sweet and innocent football conversation into some sort of impromptu maths lesson. Needless to say, his son went all the way through the '60's and '70's - except for the date in question.

The only redeeming feature for me was the frustration building up in the dad's voice. I could imagine him being the same in the office, so I stared at him intently to see if he'd break. He'd made this rod for his own back, but seemed to have too much pride to back down - and now he was squirming with angst. Brilliant.

Eventually he told his son the date, not noticing that the boy's initial childish curiosity had now been replaced with a frustrating lack of sweets and a hot head. I think he knows it would've been better off just telling him it was 1966 from the off.

Media Watch.

Another reason to like Diego - he hates the French as much as we do. I mean 'we' in the 'caught up in the World Cup stereotype hysteria' sense, of course. But I reckon Platini deserved a good verbal kicking, he thinks he's too nice blad. And using the insult "go back to the museum" is so gangsta in it's own way, but it adds a little spice when saying it to Pele.

Also, Sol Campbell's got some balls hasn't he? Having a pop at Fabio are we son? Well, the only good thing about you is the excitement you bring to crowds at every half-time nowadays, as we all can't wait for that moment when you get a cab home again.

Oh, and Guillem does it again. Brilliant article on how Spain will react to the Swiss loss.

Finally, even though it's been done a million times, I still find stuff like this funny. Sorry.

Nigeria Press The Red Button.

Not the one to go all 'interactive', the one to implode on a football field. Although it became easily the most dramatic game of the World Cup so far, I don't think I've seen a team kick itself so hard as Nigeria managed to do. What a bunch of wally's.

With a 1-0 lead, that seemed to come from a Odemwingie dummyed header (first time for everything I suppose) they had full control of the match. Yes, both sides had the most static midfields I've ever seen play, with nobody running for a forward pass, but Nigeria had control of the game.

At this point, the only entertaining thing was remembering that Nigerian player losing control of his left eye as he tried to wink at the camera during the national anthem, but all he managed to do was leave me thinking that he had some sort of tragic facial tick.

Then along comes Sani Kaita.

The thing about the kick he gave to Torosidis was how quickly and naturally it came to Kaita. To him, it seemed such normal response to being mildly pushed, that he re-enacted his exact leg action to the ref. That's not going to get you off mate, you'd be very, very lucky if the ref has the same warped approach to casual violence as you have Sani.

Anywho, the game was all the better for it. Shots galore, another keeping blunder (that damn Jubalani) and end to end footer made for a quick day at work.

Keeganville.

Well, it seems that the Argies are taking no time at all to bed now in South Africa. True, they needed an own goal from a South Korean player with an IQ of 150 (which had shades of my own O.G. in a house tournament at Wales High School - but like Chu Yung Park, I was very unlucky) - but they look delicious going forward. So much so, that all those memories of that 1995-1996 Premiership season came flooding back.

What a great football season for any boy of fifteen to witness. I mean, Asprilla is the only reason I wore gloves on the pitch that winter. El Diego's team shares a lot of likeness' to that of Keegan's Barmy Bloody Army, including full backs of the same quality (Gutierrez and John Beresford...they're the same defensively, anyway) and a splattering of 'tricky' players (Ginola and Di Maria).

But did Keegan win the league? No.

But then, he didn't have Leo Messi and Carlos Tevez. He had a temperamental (okay, simply mental) Asprilla, an ageing Beardsley and Big Les upfront. Not the same really, is it?

Bar the standard 'I hate the Argies, the cheating, filthy, greasy bastards' attitude that I've bought into, being an England fan and all that, I would absolutely love to see football like this winning something on the international stage in my lifetime. I think someone like Sly Stallone would call it 'no holds barred' football, I call it 'make me scream a little bit louder' football. Let's be honest, the Argies have yet again scored one of the most memorable goals of a World Cup with their fourth (Messi's dink = wow wee), and El Pipita's hattrick probably made Jose put the cheque book down. For a second, at least.

World Cup Controversy.

Or so the U.S.A. thinks so, anyway. It seems that whilst we were all sleeping, two continents swapped places. Probably cus they was bored or summit.

That's more than controversy my Yankee friend - that's a seismic shift in the Earth. Surely a news item worthy of going in at 8am, not 8.05am.

The France Match, Ya Get Me?

1) More important than anything else, the atmosphere was quality. The ebbing and flowing of the crowd, with a dash of vuvu-violence sounds great after all this time.

2) Well, what do you expect when you get a Saudi ref? He was stupidly restrictive to the match, even 'taking the biscuit' when making a player roll down his sleeves. I'd like to see him tell Jairzinho to pull up his socks. VIVA IRAN!

3) The announcer at half time made me spit out my Vienetta, with his bellowing robotic voice swarming the living room. Instantly I thought of ED-209, and how I'd always wondered what those spare machines were used for now. It was this, and voicing all the bad guys in Red Dwarf (i.e. a funny looking, but militant, polymorph sentinal, with a red eye, boards Star Bug and eventually gets killed with a Bazookoid).

4) It looks as if William Gallas is slowly retreating into his shell of retirement and Middle Eastern football. It seems as there's not much left of that pacey defender, who had great balance and timing. In short, Gallas is no more.

5) Spotted Wenger at the match as he commentated in a funny language. He looked like he'd gone all Clockwork Orange on a South African tramp, and was now wearing his entire wardrobe - all with an air of Hogwarts about him.

6) Mark Bright. Brighty. Brightside. Bright-O. All through his career, the man has been riding an Irish horse named Lucky, whilst popping in on a Ms. Lady Luck in a town called Luckville, where they all support Lucky United. He just consists of unbelievably limited knowledge, blinkered insight into anything outside the British game of football, and an overall weird, minstrel charm that smells like the BBC.

But, to me, he stills looks like a younger version of Ice Cube's dad in Friday.

7) That Mexican left back, Salcido, was a 'triumph' in this match, an incisive type of fellow, he even gave us an over-head bicycle kicked clearance. Lovely stuff.

8) France lost. Domenech was so moody he wouldn't put another attacker on. My pre-tournament prediction of Mexico topping Group A still looks on. Good times.

NB - If Uruguay meet Argentina in the next round, then shit is on people.

World Cup 2010: Overmars Lives On.

First football-related story I heard this morning, was the disturbing news that Puff Daddy (you're momma called you Puffy, I'm gonna call you Puffy) is thinking of venturing into the world of football.

It's a good job there were some cracking games to take my mind off the fact that someone, somewhere in the footballing world, will soon be hearing the whole 'Biggie Remixes' album at half time.

The Spaniards.

I knew I was in for a treat as soon as I heard that Ian Esta was playing, and it was confirmed when I saw Cesc's beard. Not up there will El Diego's just yet, but he has time.

Unfortunately, my initial excitement was pissed upon when I saw that there was one up front. Then, no Jesus Navas. Oh, and Sergio Buckets starting - making it three centre midfielders who all do the same job.

But, rallied on by the Swiss fan banging his groin against a massive cow bell, I continued to watch the game whilst on the till counter in the shop.

How many Barry teenagers and fat lorry drivers I banged on about the importance of Navas to? I lost count.

Turns out, the game somehow became the clone of Arsenal versus Stoke, or more Barca versus Chelsea. Spain, not once launching a single corner into the box, and having Ian Esta battered all over the shop, starting taking it to them once Navas came on. But that doesn't hide the fact that Puyol can be made to look like a mug by any young starlet latching onto a one-two pass. Or a long ball for that matter.

Switzerland's usual neutral stance paid off, with the type of bundled goal I thrive on seeing in the lower leagues. Nice to see there's a place for those types of goals at this World Cup as well, it truly is diverse. And Hakan Yakin still plays?! Who'd have thought the Swiss Rui Costa was still a force in that midfield?

The Spanish will learn their lesson, but the fact that there was some drama at last, just makes me think we've truly reached the proper kick-off of this tournament.

Diego Who?

Forlan. That's who. This is what he made me fink, like.

1) Forlan's first goal was a right little treat, and me Dad, almost immediately as the ball crossed the line from that smash, made the muted statement:

"Goal of the tournament. So far."

Eduardo Galeano would be proud.

2) Suarez, the little pudgy cherub, made the most of it, didn't he? But, it's always going to be a pen (therefore a red), just like it's always going to be risky thinking that Nas will make an album with DJ Premier. It will just leave you disappointed mate.

3) It seems that South Africa's Whigfield (Tshabalala, my first blog, duh?!) had been drinking his own Kool Aid (thanks Jambo). Always trying too hard, holding onto the ball for too long, and generally being a greedy guts. Just because you scored a bosher in the opening game doesn't mean you can act like a mongol now.

4) What a shame about Lodeiro. I would've loved seeing that young lad play in this game, he could've shown us all that 'hype' that he carries around with him.

5) Now what? Well, what us neutrals can look forward to is the fact that France now have to show up in their next game. If they do, we're in for a great game against Me-he-ho. If they don't, then the French may already be on their way home. That's what us British Asians call a 'vin vin'.

6) South Africa are probably out = more singing at these games?

7) Why is Edinson Cavani rated so highly? Seemed par for the course to me.

8) Another misheard name, another little giggle emerging from my tummy. I kept calling Dikgacoi, 'Rick Astley'. I laughed, anyway.

Round Two Franz, Round Two.

Typical Fabio, side-stepping the childish remarks of Franz. But, if I'm honest...I wish the Germans were scared of us. Does that country even know 'fear'?

Cross-Come-Shot Furore.

It seems the Maicon cross-come-shot story has legs, so let me address it one more time. After being picked up on my last post saying it was definitely a cross, let me make this clear:

It was a certain genre of The Cross, the bastard son if you like - the Cross-Come-Shot. Noted for its 'sitting on the fence' quality in an argument, it seems to suit this scenario.

First of all, it was a toe-peck, not an outside of the boot hit. And we all know the nature of the toe peck - it can go anywhere, and you always lied when you did one on the tennis courts at school. So therefore even young lads don't want to be tainted with the 'Toe Peck Brush'.

Second, let me just put it out there that I put Maicon as one of my favourite players of the last season months ago, so there's nothing I'd like more than to see him up there with the Carlos Alberto's of this world (okay, there is a lot more I'd like - but the phrase sits here nicely) - but there's no point giving him all this praise, not when he can score better goals and this is just wasting his time.

Anyway, as I can't be arsed to write on this anymore, I think my response to a football brainiac friend of mine, tells my side best:

"I actually said it was a 'cross-come-shot'. That's a breed of it's own mate - running at pace, a bit of worry about his balance and looking into the box, I firmly believe he hit it and hoped. We've all done it, no shame in it - just cus it swerved (rounder ball and all that) doesn't make it genius. Or a shot. Also, just cus he's done it before in a nonsense argument. PLUS: to spot the keeper off his line with your prephiral vision, at that pace, would make you a jet pilot. Not a full back."

(Oh, how awful one's grammar becomes when one is social networking, tut tut).

Punditry.

Look's like TV pundits are having a hard time at the moment, especially after Mr. Ragga Muffin got kicked off the ITV gravy train. But if it wasn't for them, who would we fill the gaps inbetween the games with? Adverts? No thanks, give me ignorant and ill-founded punditry every time.

Mind you, 'us' bloggers aren't exactly doing too well. Again, hate to 'blog' a blog, but I will - because this effects all of 'us' pious, arrogant and thick blogger types.

Mind Thoughts On Chilli.

1) Alexis Sanchez. Well, anyone with the first name of a stripper would win the ITV Viewer's Man Of The Match. But hold on...yep, this lad can actually play. He seems like a cross between Robinho and Overmars, but a bit rough around the edges.

Now, anyone worth their salt in any RPG football manager game would know that he's been tagged a 'wonderkid' since he was fifteen. But it's good to see their young wippersnapper scouts got it right this time, and the lad seems to have introduced himself to the beady-eyed scouts across the world.

2) If the game had been as boring as many I've already seen this World Cup, I probably would've made more of a 'hoo haa' over that Alvarez for Honduras. I thought he'd played at Roma as a full back, but now he's a bit like N'Zogbia in his work rate, but showed glimpses of skill, like Joe Cole in his West Ham days.

3) Chile, sporting a 3-3-1-3 formation, seem to have a team of lynch-pins. I've been banging on about Matty Fernandez ever since I saw him pulling some strings at the Nou Camp, for Villarreal. But they also have Vidal (who, for some mad reason, was playing LCM, rather than CM) and Valdivia, who was pushed up front this game, but did a job. Good boy.

4) I wonder what they've been told in the dressing room beforehand? They had so many players in the box when attacking! Almost every side they've seen so far has been too scared to go for a win, but none of it rubbed off on them - fair play, I'm always gone like a team that does that. But not in a Keegan sense, that was just silly.

5) At least we've had to wait for Matchday Five to see the first awful referee at the tournament. He seemed to be going mad before our eyes.

6) I was upset that, just as I had made a claim that Chile seemed like dark horses, 5Live were spouting the exact same statements. Great, now I look like a football trivia sheep.

Timely Apology.

Good to see people are realising that the Premier League isn't the Be All and End All for players, especially a journo. Henry Winter has come out and said sorry for all the stick that Forlan received from him at Man United. Let's hope that the generic fan in England will get over it so professionally, without using the age-old tag "well, the Spanish League is easier to play in, for a striker. I'd score a ton there." Course you would sweetheart, course you could.

Nice one Hezzer.

World Cup 2010: "My Name Is My Name."

"Boooooooooooooring."

That's what we've been hearing a lot of in this World Cup. With only a handful of goals, South Africa and New Zealand providing the only real drama, and almost every top seed disappointing, I'm guessing that most people would rather watch the proverbial paint dry (or alternatively watch Christ being cooked slowly over a three day period).

I'm just hoping that each team was given a limited number of 'Football Drama Tokens' before the tournament, and most have opted to use them for the latter stages - so expect some right old punch ups, goals from the sky, boots being used as weapons, and bundles of 98th minute 'wonder strikes' in the coming rounds.

Sarcky Pele.

Check out Pele having a right pop at El Diego, making himself out to be the Robin Williams to El Diego's Matt Damon (a la Good Will Hunting).

"Look, I'm trying to help you El Diego, but you need to help yourself first."

Because of Pele's sarcky comments making El Diego out to be a domeless wonderboy, I'd now much rather prefer to see the Argentine pibe

jutting his beardy chin out all over touchlines at this World Cup - I've got your back mate, and whilst I'm at it, I've got yours as well Alan Moore (f**k the Gorillaz).

Rather that, than Pele walking around town, constantly referring to himself in the third person and making outlandish predictions like "the English game is all about looking after the ball" or "the game of football will win an Oscar by 2014".

Awful Status Update.

Look at this and weep:

"Brazil's got it inda bag bruv. there unbeatable there da best, there gonna win the world cup."

And this is from an English girl. Where do I start?

Wild Claim(s) Of The Day.

Winston Reid to be playing in the Premier League next season, for either Blackpool or Everton. Okay, so that's not that wild...how about Marek Hamsik to star in the first ever Slovak Manga movie?

Poor Ol' Robbie Earle.

Tut tut tut, what will we do without the smooth Ragga Muffin on our box sets for the rest of the World Cup? Come on ITV, surprise us - my bet is on James Corden pimping his fat belly (again) for a seat next to Andy 'The Trumpet' Townsend.

Another World Cup Legend Puts The Boot In.

Yes Franz, we all know that the way England play "has very little to do with football", but what we don't need is someone like you telling us. Let's be fair, you're also the twat who didn't know who Steven Gerrard was - not until he smashed one in against you in that Legendary Five One Win.

Interesting Fact(s).

That Felipe Melo is a MASSIVE Gary Lineker fan. Weird, huh? Oh, and that Riquelme could be joining West Ham - not really a fact, I know, but it had to go somewhere. Have they not learnt from the whole Paulo Futre debacle?

Oh, and did you know that the Budesliga had a full twelve months playing with this notorious new ball? Cheats.

Brazil Stanfield.

Thoughts? Here you go:

1) Maicon's goal was definitely a cross, and that's exactly what I was, when Clive Tyldesley said that Maicon had just "done what only a Brazilian can do". Clive, come down to the park with me and you'll see dozens of cross-come-shots. But no good football.

And then, when picked up on it, he desperately tried to back up his claim by whimpering "yes, but I bet half a million people at home are saying he meant that." No Clive, only five. And they're morons.

2) Robinho's pass to Elano for the second goal had Barca written all over it - are you watching Rosell?

3) I was distressed to see Dunga sporting my jumper from my third year in university, but I mentioned him dressing badly before, so I had been warned.

I think Barney Ronay (one of the most underrated journo's out there me thinks) summed him up best by describing Dunga as looking like "an anxious skipper of a shark fishing boat on his first ever trip to a gay night club." Spot on.

4) They call him 'The People's Rooney', and I wish ours showed this much passion during the national anthem.

What a lej, it's what all good World Cup folklore is about.

5) Oh, did anyone hear the drums break through the boring drone of the vuvuzela's in this match? Thank god, this is the end, beautiful friend.

6) ITV's worried analysis of the Brazilian bench showed all their flaws at once. Chris Coleman thought that they lacked any attacking prowess. Okay, so this guy, that guy, and the other guy are shit then, basically. Idiota.

7) After initially mishearing the name Ji Yu-Nam, I became really annoying and kept screaming out "Cheese And Ham!" every time he got the ball. Then he went and bloody scored, so needless to say I had the last laugh.

8) Brazil don't need to fret about what their critics think about them - like Marlo Stanfield once said, "my name is my name", and Brazil are Brazil.

Ivorian / Portuguese Thoughts.

1) Crissy Ronaldo - one game, one awful dive. And we're off.

2) ITV playing a Ronaldo montage to a James Brown soundtrack - the Godfather of Soul somehow merging with a fella who has none. Well done tele, you spackers.

3) Still on Crissy (come on, you knew it would be this way), why does he do that awfully over-dramatic puffing of the cheeks before he proceeds to take a god-awful forty yard free kick? If you're not careful Crissy, you're going to become Roberto Carlos. But without any of the nice attributes that he had.

4) Deco is now officially a recluse when it comes to football, the only reason he stays on the pitch is because Carlos Queiroz is great admirer of anyone who has a face like a teddy bear.

5) That Siaka Tiene and Kouassi Gervinho both had good games, but will they stick around long enough to secure themselves that summer transfer to a top club?

6) If Sven has the Ivory Coast keeping the ball for longer than ten seconds, what does that say about his time as England boss? I firmly remember him getting stick for playing kick and rush football, as is Capello now, but then why has his management style changed so dramatically all of a sudden? Exactly, it was the players - it always has been the rule that we can pass it sixty yards, but not six.

7) Also, ITV continued to berate the bloke for playing negatively in their first group game, and likened it to how he made England negative as well. Hold on, didn't Ivory Coast lose their first two group games in the last World Cup, therefore crashing out within 180 minutes of football? No wonder he's keeping it tight, he actually wants a chance of getting through the group this time you knobheads. If he kept it wide open then they'd probably lose 3-0 and we'd see that horrible little Crissy score a hat trick - who wants that?!

8) Easily the Second Most Passionate National Anthem Singer Award goes to Portuguese keeper Eduardo - what a belter! Made Tony Adams look like a pussy.

Tweet Of The Day.

The Real Ronaldo gave us this nougat of Brazilian flair after Elano's goal:

"vamossssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! vou errar so os autores dos gols !!!!!!!"