World Cup 2010: Big Balls & A Kind Face.

Now, how am I going to approach this and not sound anti-German? Was I happy that they lost to Spain? Yes. Did they deserve to? Yes. Did I wish for a hammering so severe that it would set the German game back ten years? Maybe.

But, this isn't about my personal feelings about the German national side (note 'national': I actually love the Bundesliga for it's strong grip on football ethics, as well as my brilliant experiences at the 2006 World Cup) - it's bigger than that.

Since seeing how Milan took Barca apart in the 1994 European Cup final, I have been able to distinguish the football I like, from the football that leaves me totally engrossed. Yes, it's the type of football that creates it's own ode to that one technical aspect of the game that renders England useless: the pass.

To give credit where it's due, Germany this summer have passed the ball beautifully, and you can see the melting pot of German football at work there (they keep this up, 2012 will be lop-sided). But they have relied far too much on their ability to counter-attack, just like Spain rely far too much on their passing ideology. Both need to use, and I hate these words I'm about to type, a 'Plan B'. I'm not sure if the German's had one, apart from sticking Gomez on and hoping for something to go in off him, but Spain have Llorente, Navas, Fabregas and Mata on the bench - all players that can be the 'Plan B', if only used.

Instead, Spain's came in the form of the beautifully wonderous image of Puyol connecting that header on the run (how good do those feel? Side issue - what's better, that or connecting with a volley?). That mental picture is up there with Ruud, when he scored that magnificent header in the European Championships.

Was it sweeter against the Germans? Of course. But, I would have celebrated a lot more if it wasn't for my German friend calling me just before the game, from a heaving German bar in London. Boy, that singing was inspiring, and even snatched some grudging respect out of me. Never again, mind you.

But then I hear all this bollocks about something called 'ticky tacky' football. Isn't this the same term I've heard as a kid meaning 'shoddy'? How, exactly, is that related to Spanish football?

Delving into this a little deeper, it seems that the argument can be boiled down to two Tweets. The first, from Hip Hop Connection:

"Lordy, Spain's touchy-feely approach is sleep-inducing. Worse than Arsenal."

The opposing, from Honigstein himself:

"Spain absolutely brilliant in midfield, a pleasure to watch. If you find that boring, you don't understand football."

Now, I'm not going to be entirely as childish as Honigstein, but I do agree. Yes, Spain need to be more incisive sooner, but f**k ticky tacky, really? So I'm guessing that that Brazil goal and that Argentinian goal were both born out of a rubbish style of football? If you change your mind, don't be ashamed - I used to think that Thomas Brolin was footballing great.

I just hope that the same people that say the Spanish are boring, aren't the same people moaning about England not being able to keep the ball. I think the best argument you can get against their style of Coldplay Football is in this article, but that fact is that I happen to not mind Coldplay. So there.

Another quick point, why is David Silva not being picked to start? Does anybody know? I honestly think he's on the same level as Pedro, if a little less selfish. All I'm saying is, if I was a Man City fan, I'd be raising the same question.

Anyway, in a semi-final where it was nice to see all of the starting twenty two players playing in their own nation's domestic league (including Toni Kroos, who's a cert for a speaking role in the next season of the O.C.), I think that Germany looked a lot more threatening. Even if it was on the break. But their major problem was losing the ball too quickly after gaining possession. Not a major no-no against most sides, but this is Spain - they really should have known better.

Play On, Playa.

During one of the heavy texting sessions I like to conduct throughout a game nowadays, I picked the brains of me colleagues on their favourite player at the moment. It being the World Cup an all, I can see why most opted for players in this particular tournament. The survey says:

David Villa: For being one the few players that has lived up to his billing this summer, even though he can't do a decent defender in a one-on-one situation.

Van Bommel: He gets the job done. Imagine having your career summarised in such a succinct way. Is this another way of saying he's looks pretty rubbish, but still gets picked by strong European teams?

Gyan: For his Eto'o-esque work rate, his big balls on taking that penalty in the shoot out, and for the fact that he has a kind face.

The Pig Climber: For keeping the ball like nobody else can, and for fooling us all into thinking he was a mid-level winger all this time - one that, if he came to England, would probably come to someone like Chelsea, have an average season, and then move to Everton and become the new Arteta.

Crissy Ronaldo: For his arrogant tricks and imaginative ways of naming his first born. Oh, and he can head a ball.

Ian Esta: Adaptable, and effortlessly brilliant at it.

Messi: Best player of our lifetime, and we get the privilege of seeing how he goes about it. Not a bad shout, really.

Or does it go to The Other Diego (you know, Forlan)? Not only has he proved his worth (to us Englanders), but I think he might just edge it with his Tweets giving us a very un-England insight into the Uruguay camp during this summer - including team BBQ's, table tennis competitions, and general boozed-upness. Bored my arse.

Non-Football Giggles.

I'm a bit of a headline follower, and these are just two that I got my rocks off to recently. I know, nothing to do with the football whatsoever - but I can't bring myself to talk about how Borja Valero has somehow become a rising star in Spanish football. So, to my first masterpiece:

Who doesn't have a local rapist? I see mine come into the shop every Tuesday to get his Happy Shopper orange juice and scotch egg - and he seems happy as pie at the moment. Business must be good. Also, the beady-eyed amongst you may have spotted the bottom-right story, which I think is worth the 68p itself.

And for my encore:

No doubt this has been viewed by many of you, but have you thought just how well matched the headline is with Moat's dead kid eyes? It's like he's telling us "I will take steriods, and there's nothing you can do about it." Well, I'm not buying the rumour that the reason he's been playing Rambo up to now, is because of some repressed-ginger anger. Look at how Paul Scholes turned out, so that's no excuse.

Ronaldo v Klose.

So, the squirrel-faced old man looks set on taking the Real Ronaldo's World Cup scoring record hey? Well, a thought to mull over whilst the debate rages on (trust me, it will rage if Klose nabs the record).

Some might say that the image of a fat footballer is the height of arrogance, and this may be true in Ronnie's case. Yes, he was arrogant throughout his career, and Klose has built a reputation for being a team player. But, when you think of the young lads playing football on the local wreck or playground, do you seriously want them to be shouting "baggsy Klose"?

They are young and carefree, so the hero these lads need isn't going to come from a player who has notched up just three years of European-class club football (his Werder days aren't going to launch him into any history books outside of Bremen).

What they need is exactly that type of arrogance that comes with proving yourself on every stage of football (okay, bar the Champions League...but I didn't say Ronaldo was better than Zizou). I think we all know that when we look on our own football stories in the nursing home, we'll be discussing Ronaldo quotes like "I don't run, I score goals" rather than a player, when he retires, will be as dull as Boring, Boring Bergkamp.

Ah, so this also leads us to the off-shoot debate: does having an average club career but a superb international career make you world class? And if it does, do we need to re-align our Five Mics policy - or is football going to end up like Source magazine?

Back To The Future.

I already have a faint idea that what I'm about to say may strike many people as a waste of time, and have them questioning just why on Earth I'd put this shit on my blog.

Well, to those guys - I apologise. Now f**k off suit, as it is my blog and I'm coming on all Billy Walsh.

Since I've been feeling good about footy again (we have an 'on-and-off' relationship, but we're working on it) due to the distinct smell of a World Cup in the Langold air, I've decided to brush off my Xbox 360 pad (literally) and get back 'in to' footy games. So I slang in the FIFA 09 disc and settle down with me little bro to do battle (yes, that's how we get down in Thandi House, forget any pussy-footing around).

My droning on about how football games felt so much better when I was a kid was a load of cods-wallop, and was working more as mind game technique I'd mastered whilst playing the youngsters in my family. That, and the phrases "you're just pressing the same button" and "that would never happen in tennis/football/basketball" are my personal favourites.

Then it hit me.

These youngsters weren't around for the original FIFA game on the Mega Drive. Therefore, they were never around for the 'stand in front of the keeper before he launches it' trick. So simple, yet so beautiful.

A bit like Matt Le Tissier.

And guess what? Yes my loyal readers, I'm chalking it up as a win for the '80's/'90's kids out there. Screw all you fancy game engines, I'm keeping it old skool. Therefore 'real'.

World Cup 2010: Cheers Maxi...Twat.

Maxi Pereira. Maxi bloody Pereira.

That boy cost me £21, as I had the game down as a thrilling 3-1 showing from the Dutch. Well, they've yet to truly thrill me as yet, so I expected them to systematically take apart a severely weakened Uruguay side.

But no, they relied on a wonder strike comparable to that by Maniche (against the Dutch, actually), pretty poor Uruguayan defending and ultimately got done at a set piece in injury time. Yes yes, they still won - but who cares?!

I know, I know - if you play in the dirt, expect to get dirty. Get lost McNulty, do I look like Officer Walker?

And how gutted are you if you're a Uruguayan? Not only did you have to call upon the other El Diego when Silly Muntari boshed one in, but then you had to do it again when Gio popped up with what I claim is the best goal of the World Cup (so far, obviously). There didn't seem to be too much movement, and Gio showed some balls by not disguising his shot as a cross (yeah, i see you Maicon). Anyway, I think they have a good side for the future (Under 20's side looks decent), and I'm growing a liking for that Gargano - he's like a little, squatty engine running up and down the pitch.

Okay, moving on. So this is the first time a European team will win the World Cup outside of its continent - but all I ask is that team be Spain.

Hold it, don't expect any anti-German sentiment from me. I'm only saying this for the good of the game itself, we need Spain to win this World Cup for many reasons.

The Reasons.

1) I truly believe this Spanish side is the best the country will have for at least another forty years. Similar to France in 1998, this side has been blessed with timing. But more so, it has been blessed with the resurgence of Barca in the last five years, and the strength of it's league teams in European competition. It's effect on the global football community is comparable to that of the Best International Side Of All Time - the 1970 Brazil squad.

Now, I know this doesn't give them a divine right to win the thing - especially as they haven't fulfilled their potential in this tournament (thanks to Hitzfeld, Chile and the manager persisting with Sergio Buckets alongside Alonso and Xavi). But, they have played the best football us lot are going to see for a very long time, and have been doing it for years. Not just this summer - years.

2) They show us English people how integral the role of mentality is within a team. This is the same nation that under-achieved more than England, and within the course of around six years has learnt to let go of that, and are re-writing their own history books. For that, they deserve something...but maybe that something is just a pat on the back.

3) A World Cup isn't like other competitions where outsiders merely show up one summer and win the hallowed trophy. It's not the Euro's, the Olympics or the Champions League. Teams have to be great to win this thing, great in the sense that they are either going to, or already have, effected football dramatically for the four years leading up to the tournament. Spain fit the bill, and if another side had played truly great football throughout this summer, I would take my hat off to them. But they haven't.

So, let's all be honest with ourselves shall we? The Dutch team isn't actually better than the one they had in 2008. Or 2006. Maybe even 2004. They play a direct and wide style that is so similar to the Premier League that it makes me want to puke. And this German side will only deserve the trophy if they go on to dominate for the next four years, so can't they just wait their turn? Hello, look at your trophy cabinet - it's pretty full already you greedy gits.

4) If we all look within the football department inside our hearts, we know Spain are the best side left. Even if they show up at 60%, they are better than the others - but it's the 'if' that is the problem. If the mentality issues come back to roost, if they play without width for longer than sixty minutes, and if the Germans/Dutch capitalise - they will have failed at the final hurdle. Their greatness will be lost in the ether, and our kids will scratch their heads at what we're banging on about when we say that this Spanish side was the best team of our generation.

And who wants to put up with that?

5) Spain have David Villa, a permanent resident in my Top Three Strikers chart. He deserves the trophy above most of the 'great' players left, don't you think?

Speechless.

As the Argentines played out their traditional exit from another World Cup, I was overcome with sadness. I couldn't even write any notes on the match, all I got was:

Pathetic, I know. But who won't miss things like this?

The tragic clown has left the building, so has any divine comedy that I wished for in the final. Now we'll just have the self-combustible Dutch and the incessantly counter-attacking Germans just being bitter to each other, and Cruyff coming out moaning again about Berti Vogts' man-marking in 1974. Oh well, at least I won't have to be nervous as f**k, unlike my German mates.

Biggest Summer Disappointment.

No, not the scandalously short playing given to Jesus Navas, nor is it Wayne Rooney.

It's this:

I should actually relate (yes, my figure is 'adapting' to home life), but I've not felt this bad since Lauryn Hill fell off. Oh well, we'll still have 2002-2007 Ronnie.

Something For The Pub.

Did you know that Forlan is the first player since Lothar Matthaus, to score three goals outside the box in a single World Cup?

Well, you do now. (Yes, it's been a slow 'story' day - roll on Germany v Spain).

Will This Last?

Well, well, well - has the British media grown up? This is what I saw on the back page the other day:

I think it's the first act of actual sports journalism that I've seen on the back page. Where's the gossip in this - a story about the Under 19 England squad? That's astonishing, does this mean people will be watching the competition later this July? Wow, I'm going to the local to watch it - we're certain to screen it in pubs now that we all know England has to build from the ground up.

Oh, hold on - I think Spurs are playing Hamburg in a pre-season friendly on the day of that England match....go Spurs! England Shmingland, let's get the Premier League hoopla on the go!

Yes, I'm not fooled. We'll lose interest, and I'll be back to trying to talk to England fans about football below the senior level - only for it to culminate in a conversation similar to this.

Oh well, when the World Cup does finish, I'm going back to moaning about films, music and girls.

World Cup 2010: Now Bring On The Drama.

All shocks, no drama. That was my rushed review of the 2010 World Cup. 'Was' being the operative word.

Let's think about it, not a lot of the football would have got you jumping out of your seats screaming at the tele or to the gods above. Even with once-great nations crashing out willy nilly, I could only really summon up the Italy v Slovakia game as one that got me 'going'. Okay, maybe John Terry got me 'going' as well, but that was through his stupidity forging dramatic license. It doesn't count.

But then, on Friday 2nd July 2010, things changed.

God Lends Out His Hand. Again.

It seems, if I wanted to drama, I'd have to wait for Ghana. A nation which I have held some subdued love for ever since this man turned up:

And when this goal showed it's beautiful face to me, I knew that the nation of Ghana was one that I would try to follow in football. Yes, this may also be down to the fact that they would never really pose a threat to England (bar 2010), and because they thought up kits like this:

Brilliant. Add to that my friendships with people from Ghanaian heritage at university, it seemed natural to adopt them as my second team this summer. Thinking about it, I've been banging on for seven years now how much I want a Ghana shirt, but will anybody listen? Will they f**k.

So, to the game. Wow plus wee. Any game that forces Clive Tyldesley to come up with household Ghanaian names before the match, and him citing Tinie Tempah and Dizzee Rascal, is a 'must watch' for me. So...

Things I Thunk About The Ghana Match.

1) Gyan. That name on it's own will be used on the football field from now on, to either (a) show a player who blows it in the last minute or (b) show a player who has the biggest balls on the pitch. Since Maradona, has one player's name encompassed such opposing meanings? Well, 'Gyan' will do for now.

2) The amount of debate surrounding the Suarez 'save' on the line is ridiculous. Anyone who's played the game or watched it for longer than ten years will understand that any footballer would do the same. And if they didn't, they should be hung out to dry by fans, friends and family. In the words of one Sid Lowe:

"Is what Henry did against Ireland, really any worse than what Suarez did against Ghana?"

Hmmm. Food for thought. But Suarez making himself out to be someone special is just the behaviour of a knob-head. Quote:

"The Hand Of God now belongs to me. I made the best save of the tournament."

No, Luis, you just did what anybody else would do in that situation, so stop trying to raise your own stock market value and shut up.

3) Should we really be that surprised about Abreu's penalty? I'm more surprised about how badly he's let himself go over the years, he looks like he should be in the Motorhead entourage.

4) Silly Muntari's goal was stupendous, and was the first to literally get me out of my seat. That's all I have to say about it. Oh, yes - I will be calling him 'Silly' from now on.

5) I couldn't have got more annoying, as every time the commentator mentioned Scotti, something repulsive inside of me had to keep adding '2 Hotty' at the end of it. Sorry.

5) Please don't tell me that Pantsil wearing one short sleeve and one long, is a calling for all the early 2000's stupid hip hop fashion sense to re-emerge. The last thing I need, when I'm desperately trying to hang on to hip hop, is more people thinking they're Jay Z at the end of the 'Girls, Girls, Girls' video, or LL Cool J with one leg of his jeans rolled up. What does it mean LL? It means you're bored, and you're trying to be different.

6) Kevin Prince Boateng has no footballing brain. I know, nor have I, but I can still say it. Ghana shouldn't blame Suarez for cheating, they should blame this lad for continuously being selfish and stupid - he could have set up three Ghana goals in this match, if he'd just looked beyond the new tattoo he's going to get when he single-handedly united Africa after winning the World Cup with a scissor-kicked goal in the last minute against Germany.

7) I'm sorry, Cavani is just like having Zlatan on the wing. What's the point? (God, I wish Zlatan was at this tournament).

Quote Of The Day.

Got to go to Paul MacInnes. Not the stabbed footballer, but the Guardian writer. When Forlan scored The Most Unskillful Freekick Of The World Cup, Paul stated:

"That ball is a colonial supremacist."

Which brings me on nicely too...

I Have A Feeling That Eusebio Is Right.

Ah, the Jabulani ball. The joker in the pack. Look at it, as it flows around the air streams of South Africa, pretty much doing what it wants.

What an absolute joke.

Diego Forlan said after the match, that "you just have to hit it really hard, because it moves."

So that's the secret we'll have to teach our kids when they're growing up, not to try to add skill and technique into your set-pieces, but to just hit it really hard. Well, sounds quite English to me, so not much change there then. But seriously, this ball is just detracting from any skill the player may have, and in turn is tainting my World Cup experience. I demand a refund!

And this in turn, may have been reflected in Eusebio's recent statements that there are a lack of great players around today. I know, it could just be old age kicking in, and the need to say "in my day" in every other sentence, but with balls like this, it can't really help, can it?

Great German Insight.

Had to flag up this story, about how the German's CIA-ed us into losing, with their agents dressed up like students from Cologne. We'd have won it, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.

Brazil Summary.

This pretty much says it all:

What an implosion. How can Felipe Melo think that he's not to blame? You're right Felipe, no need to apologise - that stamp and own goal were both truly justified by your assist in the first half. What a wally.

Anytime you bring on a full back that Spurs rejected (aka Gilberto) and have a Kaka that, frankly, looks fat - you need to revamp the squad. Yes, I thought Brazil had enough there to go and win it, but a weak group and easy run-in before this game left them without any battle-hardening.

As for the Dutch, I still believe that they actually don't look that good. Wesley has been great, and I'm still a fan of Elia, but how hard is it to figure out that Robben will never again in his career, go on the outside of a defender?

Organised? Yes. Good to watch? Not really.

Will Berti Vogts come out of the woodwork now, in line for a Germany v Holland final? I personally would have loved a Brazil v Argentina final, but the Germans going at it with their neighbours is the second best tie. Spain will go and ruin things, watch.

Quickly...

Just have to say, Sheffield Wednesday bringing in this guy:

Is the best decision since making the new Spiderman, this guy:

What a great head of hair, like Larry David says - "he's blessed."

World Cup 2010: Yes, Another Inquiry.

As the texts flooded into my phone that it was now 4-1 to Germany, I sat there in the gurdwara and knew this was an altogether different type of English exit from a major tournament.

Traveling back up north I heard it was woeful and embarrassing, with England being outplayed, outclassed and out-thought. So it came as a bit of a surprise when I settled down in the middle of the night to see the ITV highlights, and we didn't look that bad when we had the ball. It seemed we were caught out due to woeful and embarrassing defending more than anything. Putting this down to biased editing, I went on with my life.

So, with a confused brain, I decided it best that all my England points of view should conform to the national consensus - moronic arguments about pay packages (which I'll come to later) and a team that all seems to like drinking it's own Kool Aid (aka believe themselves to be better than they actually are). Until I watched the full ninety minutes yesterday.

People really have no idea what they're banging on about, do they? Just because the papers all adhere to the newest English Football Doomsday protocol (we've had so many), doesn't mean people should dismiss how the match actually panned out.

What We All Know.

That the way England defended was beyond any explanation outside of the England set-up. There's no point listening to us all gabbing about how reckless and indisciplined it was (both being very English traits anyway). We all saw John Terry go up for the free kick at 2-1 down, and then play 'tricky winger' for the throw-in at 3-1 - no defender would do this. But a baby-haired tosser with a Leader Complex would, being a twat that has been overrated from Jump Street (I've said this for ages by the way, but nobody listened, tut).

But what we should be asking is who trained the team to defend like it did, and what explanations have they got for us. And if we're going there, I'd like to know the honest thoughts of the players and manager on the whole campaign - not just one game.

What We All Should Know.

The 2-2 disallowed goal was a major 'game changer'. There, I said it, and I enjoyed it too.

Yes, we may have gone on to lose 6-2, but that's not the point. The point is that at this stage we may have scraped a win on penalties, Rooney could have scored the goal of the tournament, Capello could have slapped Joachim, and we would not have had Germany just sit back for the whole second half. Basically, anything could have happened.

A mate of mine who's against technology in football insists it takes the purity out of the game, detracts from the drama, undermines the ref's authority and can't be in place at all levels of the sport.

To him, and anyone who says the same, I just want to say:

1) That if a sport is relying on refereeing mistakes to add drama and purity to it, then there's something seriously wrong with that sport. Football has so much drama anyway, it doesn't need to stake fairness to add more.

2) So what if technology can't be in place at all levels of the game? Just because the Langold Boys team doesn't get the same treatment as countries at the 2010 World Cup, it doesn't mean nations should be unfairly kicked out of a tournament that only rolls around every four years.

3) Technology isn't the be all and end all, you dicks, it's an AID for the ref. He chooses to use it or not, in order to correct any human errors. Simple.

4) I don't know the exact reasoning why FIFA don't want to use technology in football, but to not use it is the equivalent of you being told by your Geography teacher that you can't use the internet to research your GCSE project on silt.

Other than that, I just want to address my confusion at the start - about us being outclassed. I opt to think that we were out-thought, as Germany played tidy and precise football - but in the large part it was ineffectual. They let us keep the ball for long periods, probably because they knew we'd lose it from a hopeful sixty yard pass from the back. Honigstein says it best:

"The German's were better on the ball, had a better game plan and they had individuals who surprised themselves by reaching new heights."

England lacked courage in their football, had a minimal number of decisive attacks, and simply weren't good enough. This is true. But to say the Germans outclassed England totally by running rings round us, is simply uneducated.

Outclassed is Italy in the 1970 World Cup Final. Look it up you Premier League-supporting muppets.

It is the score-line and the team's defending that is humiliating. Not the ambition of the England team, that's just under the tag of 'not good enough'. For me, Algeria was a far worse performance as we really lacked any attacking threat, invention or general football demeanour in that one (yes, I know Hansen said the Germany game was four levels below the Algeria one, but he's still Scottish). Hey, we may as well go on and lose 4-1 if we're 2-1 down and chasing it, that's what I was taught in P.E. anyway.

Quickly - England Fans.

Please stopping being stupid. That's all I ask of you. I've lost count the amount of times I've heard fans recite word for word what the papers are saying - grow your own opinions in that thing above your eyes.

Listening to 5Live and Talksport I heard the phrase 'technical ability' (and England's lack of it) more than fifty times in fifteen minutes. Do these people even know what this phrase means? To me, it just seems a buzz word for idiocy, and highlights the fact that you really have nothing new to say.

Also, if you made a mistake then own up to it. There's so many people I personally know who agreed with Phil Thompson that Rooney was "streets ahead" of Messi. But now, they've changed their mind, but not in admitting that they were wrong, but because Rooney didn't turn up this summer. This kind of thinking is exactly why fans are the worst people to listen to when it comes to our national side - they just personify the island mentality we have of a 'divine right' to be better than everyone else at football.

We are not. And as for moaning about the wages of these players and how that makes them rubbish...who the f**k do you think funds the Premier League circus you mong? It's an entertainment industry that we all pay into, so don't moan about the wages - stop paying and get off the ride. Now.

Quote Of The Week.

When throwing a hissy fit on BBC radio about the behaviour of the England players, this fan attempted to back Fabio - only to make me realise this is why fans know Sweet FA really.

"We could have had Mickey Mouse in charge of the England team, and we still wouldn't have done better."

A Word On Capello.

We need to break this English trend of expecting, failing and repeating again, and for that reason I think we should keep Don Fabio in charge. That, and the fact that if Redknapp takes charge of England then I truly will stop watching football.

In this country, the Premier League is a foreign league. Nobody outside of it can relate to it, but really want to be in it. It's a bit like London. With the silly amount of foreign influence in the league, why then do you want an Englishmen to be in charge of the players who ply their trade here? Plus, the seal has been broken since Sven, so we're way past this argument now.

If a lot of our English players played abroad, and the England team had a uniform style and formation that they could adapt to (a la Brazil or Argentina) then yes, get an Englishmen in charge. But I'd rather have miscommunication from my manager if he can then bring something new to the set up. Yes, I know, Don Fabio is yet to do this - but he does need time, and at his age the question is if he's really up for it. I don't think anybody has a good replacement in mind, and remember - this is not simply a case of bad team management, so let's not repeat our mistakes.

And if that's not convincing you, well read this then. Ha!

Alright Then Billy Big Bollocks, What Do You Suggest?

First, let's just admit that the national side is not a major priority in this country, and the club game is. Done? Good, now we can move on.

The Premier League is our greatest strength, as well as our greatest weakness. A player like Connor Wickham is being praised to the high heavens within the sport, but have we noticed? Well, he's not playing in the Premier League, so of course not.

Look, Trevor Brooking believes that the current England Under 17's side is the best passing group we've ever had, and I for one take his word on it (he's not one for hyperbole). But do we have a bridge from where these young players can break into the top flight football here? Not so much, so who do we call?

The F Bloody A.

I have to agree with Crissy Waddle on how the FA approach the national side, and our stance with adopting foreign systems. Taking into account this brilliant article showing just how hard it is to change anything in English football, we still have to look to the future.

No matter how long it takes us to adapt and change for the good of our national game, we can't keep trudging out these old promises of 'inquiries into the English game', 'not enough coaches' and 'root and branch reviews' - these arguments are simply echoes from a post-Graham Taylor era. Yet, at the moment, we're doing it again. So sad.

If we should look at anyone for tips, it should be the Germans. From the year 2000, they knew their national game needed to change if it was to compete. After looking at French academies, they decided to take a massive step and get the DFB to work with the Bundesliga for the benefit of the national side (making sure every time had an academy and such like).

So, instead of the Premier League taking over the England team, why not work with the FA? Learn from this failed experiment by giving our youth policies a common goal, by building Burton to create an influx of English coaches, by aiming to provide our national manager with a massive menu of different players to pick from (so players can fill in, like Khedira for Ballack) and basically by seeing just how this relationship benefitted the Germans.

To come back to the start of this post, this was an altogether different exit for England, because this time even our best excuse and scapegoat can't hide the fact that there is something dangerously wrong within the English game. But it can change, if the right people make the right decisions and earn their pay packets.

I still believe that this New Age of English football that I hang on to, can be born out of this 4-1 result. Maybe, years later we can look back on the 2010 World Cup as a turning point in our footballing history, when we started to wrong all the rights about our national game. Maybe, just maybe.

World Cup 2010: Please Give Me Five.

Dear Reader,

As you will undoubtedly understand, I am still re-wiring my brain from the England result against Germany. Therefore, please give me 'five minutes' to gather my thoughts, so that I may write some bullshit or another on my meaningless views on English football.

Yours apologetically,

Chikayne.

World Cup 2010: 'England Only' Post.

I was going to start this blog off with a review of Luis 'El Pistolero' Suarez - his life and times, his career going forward from that winner against South Korea, that sort of thing.

But then I thought, if I was a reader of this powerfully average blog, I wouldn't care less if Luis was curling them in beautifully from the edge of the box - it's England versus Germany, you dick.

And you'd be right.

So, I'm allowing myself to let patriotism take over. And boy it feels good. I realised that last year I'd made an utterly wild statement that England will win the World Cup in 2010. Now, I'm not the type to predict such things, I'm always hedging me bets - so this was particularly peculiar behaviour.

But look at the side. Look at our World Cup Group. Look at Don Fabio in charge.

It was a New Age wrapped up in Old Age toilet paper (aka people like Frank 'Fatty' Lampard, David 'Gay?' James, Michael 'The Welsh Wizard' Owen), and I honestly thought this England set-up could finally deliver. But then it gets to six weeks before the tournament starts, and I start questioning myself.

Then we played the U.S.A. and looked terrible. Then it got worse. How was this possible? A year ago this was a side that could challenge the likes of Argentina and Brazil. So by the Slovenia game, I'd already descended into a pit of mardyness about the 2010 World Cup.

"Aren't the South Africans great?"

"No, they're shit and will be lucky to finish third in their group."

"My bets are on Brazil, if not Spain."

"Really? Did you read that in Take A Break? Why don't you grow some balls and make a decision for yourself - like bet on Japan?"

"Those horns are so much fun."

"What? You're serious, aren't you? Sorry, I think my brain is too large for this conversation."

That's pretty much how I approached people in the shop, anyway.

But now we're here, and things are looking rosy (apart from my predicament about actually getting to watch the match). And I'm starting to believe again.

This may have something to do with how the papers are always loving a good 'stoke up' of old racist fires. Or it could be something to do with how clips of Fabio on the touchline (and bullying Psycho) make me glad to have a foreign manager in charge.

Could it be this brilliant article from Honigstein, that maps out how England can be victorious on Sunday?

Or maybe it's for my belief that Fabio has no chip on his shoulder in the shape of Germany, and so our players will see them for what they are. Simply eleven other players on the pitch. Not a massive, smug and efficient machine that creates new nightmares for us every time we face them.

Remember 5-1 people. Remember Stevie Gee teaching Didi Hamman a lesson in the middle of the field. Remember how good Gazza actually was. Remember John Barnes coming on against Argentina in '86, and almost winning the game for us. Remember Barry Davies screaming "Go on! Run at them!" when he did come on.

Remember 1990. Remember England Irie. Remember that Owen goal in 1998. Remember Punk, Ska, British Blues and Trance Nation. Remember Coogan, Cleese, Morris, Sellars and Palin.

Then think of this side we have, and how we can beat the Germans. And the Argies. And we'll see what happens when it comes to Brazil. Then think of me, furiously checking my phone for updates, and biting my tongue when we score.

And if that doesn't get you up for it, then you have a heart wrapped in sellotape, that's slowly pruning up into a pea-sized ball, resembling a week-old chewed piece of gum. You fascist.

World Cup 2010: Mick's Parasite Football.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, but - why are we thinking, let alone talking, about penalty shootouts four days before an England match?

That says a lot about our mind-sets, doesn't it? I know the brainless issue of shootouts might appeal to a numbskulled troglodyte Sun-ite, but does it seriously merit this front page?

Ignore the awful headline (it's not even clever), and the fact that this front page story is based on a Sun Survey (so, that's some guy with a whippet in a pub in Essex that has gathered the statistics) which proves the Germans are 'wurst' at pens than us, but look at the six-inches long story on the far left hand side (yes, zoom in).

There's something wrong in this country if the death of four British servicemen is nudged to the corner of the front page of the Nation's Best-Selling Newspaper, by a story about the England team's history in penalty shootouts.

Get over it lads, we're not very good at pens and that's that. Brazil aren't very good at defending, but you don't see them banging on about it constantly.

A Glitch In The Matrix.

That's what David James is. He's an anomaly. An aberration.

I mean, look at this pic:

It says everything. The guy is obviously intelligent, very articulate, confident and sensible. In fact, I'd have him speak at my first child's birthday party. But on the pitch, he becomes a right silly twat - a bit like how he gets in a studio to do shoots like the one above.

What happens to him? Which group of us is he fooling exactly - his supporters, or his critics? I'm not sure, but I think if you figure that out, you figure the streets out.

Funny, Small French Man.

So, Patrice Evra has decided to blame the vuvuzela's for the French World Cup campaign. All I'm going to say is, he was there, we weren't - so who knows?

Oh, and I honestly think Patrice would be a great shout to play Napoleon in any upcoming movie - he has that aura about him. Or is that just me thinking that he probably has a Napoleon Complex?

Mick's Parasite Football.

Mick McCarthy was a punditry revelation during the Brazil v Portugal match. The game was so annoying, he at one point even said that he hoped for an elbowing incident, just so that they had something to talk about. Now that's dedication to the cause.

But his Tour De Force was when he described the Portuguese team as playing 'parasite football' - they were merely feeding off any mistakes that Brazil made.

He's absolutely right, and seems to have coined a phrase that describes that type of football brilliantly. I now intend to use this phrase throughout my life, and may even bend the rules and use it for other things such as 'parasite music' or 'parasite filming'.

Moving onto the parasitic team itself, I'm left feeling a little strange that Portugal have got through to the next round due to one freak result. I know, England are similar, but at least we didn't get our own hopes up by winning 7-0. At this moment in time, Portugal remind me of a Big Sam Allardyce team, but instead of Jay Jay they have Ronaldo.

The fact that the BBC decided to have an opening package for this game, consisting of heavily edited sequences of balls being dribbled every three minutes, only made me doubt the fact that this match would be any good. Oh, and I also agree with Seedorf that Ronaldo is not yet an all-time great (due to the fact he hasn't carried a team at the top level - a bit like Messi is doing in this tournament). So, to all you Premiership fans: HA, IN YOUR FACE! Even Drogba's a better leader than Crissy Ronaldo!

As For Those Brazilians.

I told you they needed another creative force behind the striker(s). Baptista was such a waste of space, and bar some nice passes here and there, he was like Duncan Ferguson in the middle of the park. Okay, not as tall, but having the same effect in that position.

And you have to question a striker who describes a goal that he hand-balled twice, as "one of the most beautiful I have ever scored." Yes, Luis Fabiano, I'm on about you.

Golden Bench Prize Winner.

No matter how nice Leonardo is outside of football (ahem, that elbow in '94 anyone?), it seems the job at AC Meelan was beyond him. So, Massimiliano Allegri (what a great first name) is the man in charge of Ronnie & Co.

Looking at his CV, his attacking style lead Cagliari to ninth and twelfth place within two seasons in Serie A, bagging him the Golden Bench Prize on the way. But is the Meelan job a step too far for him? I happen to think so. I mean, it's like Roy Hodgson being appointed as Liverpool manager.

Oh.

Feelings For Chile.

Before I harp on about how bad I felt for Chile during the Spain match, let me just say:

1) I love their training top. I want one...it's my 30th this year, so I've dropped the first big hint.

2) ITV's lurid ninety seconds of television is just not on. Before an advert break, Adrian Chiles piped up with "before we go, we're just going to leave you with a decision to make" and we were presented with these two ladies:

Disgusting. ITV, you are a big, fat, pompously chauvinistic pig. As the shot lingered on the women for all ninety seconds, not one person in the studio said a word ( I think Edgar was still stoned though, so that's his excuse). You could almost hear Chiles lathering up and getting ready to release his man-fat. Somebody should write a letter....even so, send your answers on which one on a postcard, or in the comments section below.

3) Yes, Another 'Most Disturbing Thing This World Cup' Addition:

Ignore the uncomfortable feeling you get whilst you're watching this, as well the desperate aspect of ITV trying to 'capture the World Cup atmosphere', and ask yourself - what insight does this interview bring to me about being a Spanish fan?

Okay, so your team is brilliant - we get that. What's that, you have to win? I think we gathered that by looking at the group table. Ah, you say you have a great side? That's a bit like your first point really, isn't it? Oh, I see, so now you're going to just continue speaking gobbledygook so that we all laugh at the funny foreigners on our screens.

No thanks, piss off to the game, where you'll no doubt ruin some poor bastards match experience by blowing on your ruddy vuvuzelas.

Now, onto the match itself. I was buoyed by the news that Chile had warmed up with a full fifteen minute keepy-uppy session before the game, so I was hoping for a nice fair game of football.

But football is far from fair.

I was amazed at how fluid the Chilean formation was, even more so than their first group game. At some points, their right backs were playing attacking midfield, and the way they kept possession from Spain was mind-bottling. Even how they harried the Spanish off the ball constantly made me yearn for England to play like this on Sunday.

But then it all went pear shaped, coming from something sublime and cocky from David Villa, accompanied by a harsh sending off. At least they're through now though, and they even bought on Rodrigo Millar - who I only mention as he's know as the 'Little Clown' at Colo Colo, and celebrates his goals there by donning a comedy red nose. That's classic Lenny Henry.

Team Of The Group Stages.

Eneyeama

Maicon Kjaer Tulio Coentrao

Sanchez Ayew Ozil Messi

Forlan Villa

Coach: El Diego

World Cup 2010: A Saifi Slap.

Well, here we go already - the beef is on people, we're all getting wound up nice and tight for Sunday - and this time, the Germans started it first.

When Franz said what he said when he said it, about footballers like he said about England...I've kept really quiet, but I would love it if we beat them on Sunday, absolutely love it.

Oh, hold on, apparently it was all actually a misquote, and what he said was:

"Dummerweise haben die Englander ein bissel gepatzt" which means "England messed up a little."

Cheers English Media, now I have to go back on my excellent 'Love It' speech. And put away my Spitfire.

"That Emile Heskey Is Assed Out!"

As Emile came on in the last minutes of the Slovenia game, the pub I was in became divided - with a bunch of Sixth Formers screaming in anguish, and a load of us older lot praising Fabio's nouse. All of a sudden, it reminded me of all those arguments I've had over Emile being in the England squad (not first eleven, squad) - especially one at a party I went to a few years back, in London.

Now, the lads I was gabbing to were typical Bobby's (aka a British Asian equivalent to a Barry, or a chav if you like). After deriding me for not following either Arsenal, Liverpool or Man United (yes, these are the only teams you're allowed to support if you're a British Asian), we somehow moved onto the topic of Heskey for England.

It didn't take long for the argument to descend into one similar to that one in Clockers, where a bunch of hoppers discuss the merits of Chuck D and hard rap. It seems that Emile will always be looked upon for "not scoring enough" for England, which is a fair point if that was what he's in the team for in the first place.

As they hounded at me like a pack of spikey-haired wolves, laughing at my points and generally making me out to be a tit, I had no option but to leave the pack and sulk in a corner with my Southern Comfort and lemonade - thinking that only me, Capello, Eriksson and Martin O' Neill knew what we were on about.

Really, In A World Cup Semi?

Yes, this time round we will be witnessing a semi final featuring either Uruguay, U.S.A., South Korea or Ghana. I've been partial to Underdog Syndrome many times before (Iran and England, come on), but this is just silly. One of these teams winning the World Cup would just be a re-enactment of Euro 2004, and nobody really remembers owt that went on that year.

Do we all want to be in the pub in 2016, mulling over our pints at what great passages of play the Yanks produced, or how dramatic the South Koreans made the 2010 World Cup? Do we, really? I honestly don't think anybody I know has taken the slightest interest in the teams mentioned, up until now, whereas we all know how good the Spanish, Argies and Brazil are. Jesus wept.

And just because France and Italy have crashed out, whilst Japan, South Korea and the Yanks have progressed, this does not mean there is a New World Order in football. It's like the Magic Of The FA Cup, with a top team going on to win it in the end anyway - these guys are just filling up our time until the proper teams come along.

Best React Quote.

This has got to go to 'The English Nassir Jones' - Klashnekoff.

Yes, the man behind those gentile lyrics "K, lash ya rasclat neck off...stab the beat with a dagger, the Hackney hack attacker."

After the Italy game, as those chiseled footballers let it all out on the pitch and begged for the football Gods to strike them down after a humiliating campaign, the London MC summed it all up brilliantly in one short, but sweet, sentence.

"1 mans crying with hes hands on hes face. Vexed."

He's right, I'd be vexed if England had only really started playing how they can play for the last twenty minutes of our last group game. Okay, we weren't that far off in the end, but still.

As a side note, why were the Italians and the English the most scared players at this World Cup? You could actually feel their nerves through the tele - let's just blame it on The Media.

Female Journo Has A Cry.

I have to say, I'm with Rafik Saifi on this one. You've just been knocked out of the World Cup with a 91st minute goal from a guy with a forehead the size of a football. All you can think about is how disappointed you are, how you've let your family, friends and country down (how many of us truly know how that feels?!) and the amount of stick you're going to get when you get in. Then some journo, who really has no idea how you're feeling at this time, comes poking their Algerian nose into your personal space. I think a dismissive hand gesture isn't the worst thing you could do there, and if it takes the form of a slap, well that's just your own fault for getting too near me in the first place.

Best Non-Footballing Poster.

Let's not forget the old Tory poster from this past campaign:

And now I'm going to have ten year old kids having a pop at me because their Chewits have gone up in price. Cheers politics.

Last Great Dane.

As the Danes pack up their bacon sarnies and head home, I can't help but wonder when the last great Danish player had come about. We all know the Laudrup's were the a little bit, but the country has been churning out a host of mediocre players for the best part of twenty years.

Poulsen. Rommedahl. Gronkjaer. Helveg. Jorgensen.

And that's only the start. Possibly their best player has been their goalie, Schmeichel.

Let's just hope that the likes of Eriksen and Kjaer can bring some much needed light to this dark doldrum of a once great footballing nation.

Okay, I May Have Been A Bit Harsh.

Yes, Keisuke Honda seems to have stepped it up in the last two games, and in turn as made me look like a right mug. Just as I had tipped the Italians to get to the final this year (them and the Argies, so I'm not a complete fool), I had called this lad over-rated.

(Come on, I couldn't resist putting this pic up in a Honda-themed post)

So, it seems I can add Honda to the list of Things I've Got Wrong. He's up there with my predictions on the career of the Spice Girls ("be around for a month, max"), Lil' Wayne's hip hop credentials (I'm told he's been the main 'player' in the 'game' for a while now), the movie The Descent (yes, it is very good after watching it the second time) and Danny Baker (who, in real life, is very funny and generally nice).

Dream Team For Next Season?

Well, it won't be Valencia, that's for sure. After losing Villa, and Silva looking on his way, old Barca have sneaked underneath the radar to add yet another up-and-coming star to their ranks - Juan Mata. Yes, their team will be playing like silly buggers next season - especially when this young lad can do this in front of the whole Spanish squad in warm up, leaving them all with their heads in their hands.

World Cup 2010: An Industrious Rock.

Yesterday, I finally realised that I am a moron. A footballing moron.

A bit of background to my realisation - due to unforeseen circumstances, my life seems to have got in the way of the World Cup. My fiance's parents and my own, have called a 'meet' of the Five Families for Sunday 27th June, 2010.

I know. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as the second half started in the England v Algeria game. After a few days of convincing myself that a 2-0 win wasn't entirely beyond England (against Slovenia - this is how far we've come as England fans), I was beginning to believe the hype throughout the Slovenia match.

What a great comeback to form. The best game Steven Gerrard has ever had for England. Defoe making us look like all those years crossing the ball between defender and goalkeeper were worth it. Lampard getting into the box, even if it took the team fifteen minutes of awfullness to get him there. My god, even the ramshackle display by Upson (okay, apart from that tackle) had not taken the shine off the result.

But then Rooney hits the post. Defoe misses a great chance. Joe Cole comes on to no effect. Terry leaps like a limp fish out of water for a lost ball.

Yes, my worst nightmare (my worst one, yeah) has come true. I am now going to miss the first competitive England match in my lifetime. And it's against Germany. I'm sure there's plenty of fathers and 'professionals' out there who've missed a few. But this is my first, and as they say - 'the first cut shall be deepest'.

So, as we missed our chance to top the group and give ourselves the chance of the easiest route to a World Cup final in twenty odd years, I felt my manhood slip away throughout the ninety minutes. For an awful, selfish second of my life, I thought;

"Well, if I can't watch it, nobody should."

And I thought of a loss for England making my life that little bit easier. Yes, I am thinking exactly what you're thinking, and hate mail can be directed to my comments box below the post.

But, as I said; I am a moron.

I'm sort of like the people who have houses like these:

Or get in the local paper doing things like this:

Or simply, be like people who will England to lose, just so that they don't have to sit with a cold cup of tea in their hands, wearing a fixed-on smile and having their alien wedding ceremonies dictated to them from families that are doing it because they 'love' their kids (when really, they're doing it to grasp hold of some power and tradition over the life of a child who seems to have inexplicably moved on).

Yes, I am still bitter. And for that reason I will bullet point anything I thought was interesting since I've been away.

1) North Korea are well shit. And Portugal to win it. No, but to be absolutely fair, isn't this what happens when 'weaker' teams don't park the bus in front of goal? Who needs a 7-0 defeat to take back to Dear Leader?

2) Is Kleberson really a better addition to the Brazil squad than Ganso, or even Neymar? Now that Kaka is out for a game (not to say off form) and Elano not looking like he can carry the weight with that Cirque de Robinho, surely another attacking midfielder would have been a good shout?

3) Italy are like the latter day career of Chris Nolan. With a surprising re-boot of an old franchise in the last World Cup, it seems that they're going to flatter to deceive, like Nolan's latest movie.

4) I really hope Fabio Coentrao isn't another another Paulo Ferreira or Paul Parker, I want this lad to play left wing for Everton for a season and then move to Man City, where he can make a lethal combination with Andy Johnson.

5) Stuff like this gives me hope for football discussions worldwide.

6) I think someone like Regi Blinker would be a a better winger in the World Cup, than in the Premier League of the 1990's. This is the same Regi, who is now a magazine publisher - weird huh?

7) I've always had a pop at a centre back choosing to pass sixty yards rather than set up play from the back, but that comes from watching England too much. I do fancy that Kjaer to carry on the tradition though, and hopefully make me love those diagonal passes.

8) Is Marcelo Bielsa really the most attacking coach in world and, as the BBC would have it, does he really "scrutinize every possible football game he can"? I'm not sure if that's possible to prove, although Chile still look pretty to look at.

9) My favourite quote in ages, adding to my already large respect for Zlatan:

(To a female reporter, after being asked if he's 'well gay' with Gerard Pique)

"Come to my house and you'll see if I'm gay. And bring your sister."

10) Kun Aguero loves to grind an angle toward goal. He'd be the perfect proto-type for Pro Evolution 3D.

11) Val Kilmer is opening a B&B. Wow.

12) Gabby does it once more with a great piece on wha' gwanin' in this World Cup.

13) Martin Demichelis is an amazing centre-back to watch. If you stare at him for around five minutes, it seems that he feels the pressure of you looking at him constantly, and then always kiffs up on the pitch. Brilliant.

14) Andre Ayew has been a rock for Ghana in every group game of this tournament. An industrious, skillful rock that wears bright red boots, that is.

15) Javier Pastore looking like a eventful young fellow when he came on for the Argies. New Kaka anyone?

16) Georgie Thompson murks her co-presenter. "You, horror." Urgh.

17) It seems that Lionel has a passion for Noel and Liam. But in the right way.

18) Man City's new lad, Jerome Boateng, looked up for it in the Germany v Ghana game. But for me, he didn't 'let his feet do the talking'. Nice beef with his brother though.

19) One for all you ball geeks out there, I know you love it. Sod the Jubalani.

20) Oh, and isn't Cacau simply a good Carlton Cole?