Yesterday, I finally realised that I am a moron. A footballing moron.
A bit of background to my realisation - due to unforeseen circumstances, my life seems to have got in the way of the World Cup. My fiance's parents and my own, have called a 'meet' of the Five Families for Sunday 27th June, 2010.
I know. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as the second half started in the England v Algeria game. After a few days of convincing myself that a 2-0 win wasn't entirely beyond England (against Slovenia - this is how far we've come as England fans), I was beginning to believe the hype throughout the Slovenia match.
What a great comeback to form. The best game Steven Gerrard has ever had for England. Defoe making us look like all those years crossing the ball between defender and goalkeeper were worth it. Lampard getting into the box, even if it took the team fifteen minutes of awfullness to get him there. My god, even the ramshackle display by Upson (okay, apart from that tackle) had not taken the shine off the result.
But then Rooney hits the post. Defoe misses a great chance. Joe Cole comes on to no effect. Terry leaps like a limp fish out of water for a lost ball.
Yes, my worst nightmare (my worst one, yeah) has come true. I am now going to miss the first competitive England match in my lifetime. And it's against Germany. I'm sure there's plenty of fathers and 'professionals' out there who've missed a few. But this is my first, and as they say - 'the first cut shall be deepest'.
So, as we missed our chance to top the group and give ourselves the chance of the easiest route to a World Cup final in twenty odd years, I felt my manhood slip away throughout the ninety minutes. For an awful, selfish second of my life, I thought;
"Well, if I can't watch it, nobody should."
And I thought of a loss for England making my life that little bit easier. Yes, I am thinking exactly what you're thinking, and hate mail can be directed to my comments box below the post.
But, as I said; I am a moron.
I'm sort of like the people who have houses like these:
Or get in the local paper doing things like this:
Or simply, be like people who will England to lose, just so that they don't have to sit with a cold cup of tea in their hands, wearing a fixed-on smile and having their alien wedding ceremonies dictated to them from families that are doing it because they 'love' their kids (when really, they're doing it to grasp hold of some power and tradition over the life of a child who seems to have inexplicably moved on).
Yes, I am still bitter. And for that reason I will bullet point anything I thought was interesting since I've been away.
1) North Korea are well shit. And Portugal to win it. No, but to be absolutely fair, isn't this what happens when 'weaker' teams don't park the bus in front of goal? Who needs a 7-0 defeat to take back to Dear Leader?
2) Is Kleberson really a better addition to the Brazil squad than Ganso, or even Neymar? Now that Kaka is out for a game (not to say off form) and Elano not looking like he can carry the weight with that Cirque de Robinho, surely another attacking midfielder would have been a good shout?
3) Italy are like the latter day career of Chris Nolan. With a surprising re-boot of an old franchise in the last World Cup, it seems that they're going to flatter to deceive, like Nolan's latest movie.
4) I really hope Fabio Coentrao isn't another another Paulo Ferreira or Paul Parker, I want this lad to play left wing for Everton for a season and then move to Man City, where he can make a lethal combination with Andy Johnson.
5) Stuff like this gives me hope for football discussions worldwide.
6) I think someone like Regi Blinker would be a a better winger in the World Cup, than in the Premier League of the 1990's. This is the same Regi, who is now a magazine publisher - weird huh?
7) I've always had a pop at a centre back choosing to pass sixty yards rather than set up play from the back, but that comes from watching England too much. I do fancy that Kjaer to carry on the tradition though, and hopefully make me love those diagonal passes.
8) Is Marcelo Bielsa really the most attacking coach in world and, as the BBC would have it, does he really "scrutinize every possible football game he can"? I'm not sure if that's possible to prove, although Chile still look pretty to look at.
9) My favourite quote in ages, adding to my already large respect for Zlatan:
(To a female reporter, after being asked if he's 'well gay' with Gerard Pique)
"Come to my house and you'll see if I'm gay. And bring your sister."
10) Kun Aguero loves to grind an angle toward goal. He'd be the perfect proto-type for Pro Evolution 3D.
11) Val Kilmer is opening a B&B. Wow.
12) Gabby does it once more with a great piece on wha' gwanin' in this World Cup.
13) Martin Demichelis is an amazing centre-back to watch. If you stare at him for around five minutes, it seems that he feels the pressure of you looking at him constantly, and then always kiffs up on the pitch. Brilliant.
14) Andre Ayew has been a rock for Ghana in every group game of this tournament. An industrious, skillful rock that wears bright red boots, that is.
15) Javier Pastore looking like a eventful young fellow when he came on for the Argies. New Kaka anyone?
16) Georgie Thompson murks her co-presenter. "You, horror." Urgh.
17) It seems that Lionel has a passion for Noel and Liam. But in the right way.
18) Man City's new lad, Jerome Boateng, looked up for it in the Germany v Ghana game. But for me, he didn't 'let his feet do the talking'. Nice beef with his brother though.
19) One for all you ball geeks out there, I know you love it. Sod the Jubalani.
20) Oh, and isn't Cacau simply a good Carlton Cole?
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