World Cup 2010: A Personality Keeper.

I do agree with Adrian Chiles, in that the World Cup is 'glorious madness', but that baby-faced prick made me re-make a tea for him with a minute to go before our radio show went live on air, so up yours Chiles!

Anyway, glorious madness, that's what I love about these tournaments. And on day one, there's been plenty of things to get me going, good and bad. Here are just a few.

Demanding News Anchor.

As it became evident that Nelson Mandela wouldn't display his wirey frame to the whole world to see at the opening ceremony, the news went mad. What's going to happen if the public out there don't recognise one single person at this ceremony and switch over to the Jeremy Kyle Show? They needn't have worried, R.Kelly was on hand to see over things, a close second to Mandela really, if you think about it. Even so, the news went bonkers over it, so much so that one Sky Sports News presenter demanded something be done. Whilst talking to a South African correspondent in London, he said:

"As Nelson Mandela won't be making it to the opening ceremony, just pay tribute to the man for what he's bought to the World Cup."

Hold on, should anyone really be told to pay tribute to someone else? I always thought it was best coming from the heart. Anyway, the bloke just decided to speak in South African for a bit, completely bemusing the presenter and making him look like the dickhead that he is.

The South African Surprise.

That would have to be Siboniso Gaxa, the right back. Some very nice one touch volleyed passes in the game, my favourite - look out for him going to somewhere like Spurs where he can maraud forward with no care for Dawson and King. Also, turns out the lad can have one as well, scoring the goals of the season in 07-08.

A special mention has to go to Siphiwe Tshabalala, for having easily the most enjoyable name to sing in the shower to. I personally recommend singing his name along to Saturday Night by Whigfield, replacing all those other lyrics of nonsense.

Most disturbing thing so far in this World Cup.

Weirdo's around the World Cup are going to be hard-pressed to beat this video I took from Sky Sports (yes, I know what you're thinking - is this all I do? Sit around watching Sky Sports till something relatively strange/funny happens? And the answer is yes. This is all I do). Please try to ignore the watermark labelling this an 'Evaluation Copy' - this is mainly down to my own skinflint ways and not shelling out for a proper AVI convertor.

A few things to look out for, bar the absolutely awful manner in which the soldiers attempt to act and how the camera man thinks up some of the ludicrous shots.

1) "Just like you, we have to hit the target under pressure." That's the first time I've heard a shot on goal being compared to a strike on a weapons factory in the middle of a nursery in Iraq, or somewhere with a lot of sand.

2) The theme-tune rendering this 'Message To The Boys' into some sort of badly-themed Forces Training Video.

3) The soldier being so easily distracted by a football when mounting or dismounting a high-powered weapon of some sort. No wonder there's friendly fire over there, half the time his mates are pissing about in the back of the tank playing footy.

4) The desperation on the dog-handler's face whilst being mauled. Was it worth it mate? Really, was it?

5) The northern bloke who somehow feels it necessary to explain what medium they'll be following the England games on. We get it, you're at war and the footy's on - ask your Sarge to ship over some radios or summit.

6) The final insult of a Scotsman backing England. Is that what our forces are made up of? A bunch of shape-shifting Benedict Arnold's who would dob their own countries footy team in for a chance to appear on a twenty four hour sports new channel owned by an Aussie?

ITV Coverage.

I'm guessing this will be a running theme on this blog, as they do ask for it sometimes. I'll just bullet point them, it's easier that way.

1) Why is Gabriel Clarke constantly resembling a squinting rat?

2) Does Jim Rosenthal have to make that over-the-top disgusted face every time Lucas Radebe blows a vuvuzela down his lug hole? He could at least tone it down to the squinting rat act, instead of a petrified elf.

3) Clive Tyldesley came up with a cracker, after referring to the South African number one as a 'personality goalkeeper'. Wow, what is one of those Clive? To me, the keeper was constantly on the verge of being typically African and erratic, but somehow managed to pull it off and appear quite solid. A hard trick to master.

BBC Coverage.

Inspired choice to put Daddy-bayor on the pundit's round table. Let's hope for some outlandish remarks that do little to disguise his disappointment at not playing. And I have some sort of strange love for Seedorf, he reminds me of Football Italia and just how good that Sampdoria team was.

Also, I agree with Lawro's comments that all we'd seen in the first half of the France v Uruguay game were replays, and that's how I think football will turn out in the end. The game will just become one massive montage of replays, from an actual match that was played a few hours beforehand behind closed doors to a soundtrack of vuvuzelas. Every match, that's right.

Things I Thunk About Mexico And That.

1) Any team that leaves three at the back shouldn't employ Rafael Marquez as one of those three. Not unless you want to get caught on the break, anyway.

2) Franco is awful, he's like a big burly hinderance to the whole team.

3) Oscar Perez, the Mexico keeper, is yet another look-a-like of me. I should start a tally.

4) The whole Mexican side reminds me of the Eredivisie. Full of young talent, not yet the finished article but always liking a good jink about the field, not scared of a bosh at goal, always trying to pass it with the inside of their strong foot, but culminating in a lack of conviction up front.

5) Giovani looks good, but it seems like he's scared of imploding if he holds the ball for longer than ten seconds.

A Note About Americans.

Another thing to annoy me, as if I needed that. Saw a Tweet by John Legend at half time in the South Africa match saying:

"0-0 at half time, that's why this sport isn't so popular in the US. Americans need instant gratification."

Has he never heard of a 'thrilling nil nil'? Or did that just come about once Sky had taken over football, and every televised game since that day has been described as 'amazing' or 'spectacular'?

Best Quote.

"Other countries have their history, Uruguay has its football."

Things I Thunk About The France Match And That.

How much more typically French can Domenech's team get? William Gallas is crying like a little baby and not talking to the media for the whole tournament. Florence And The Machine Malouda manages to upset Raymond beforehand and gets a seat on the bench. Jezzy Toulalan keeps the Ginola thing going, by looking good with greying hair.

Also, I can't believe how sweaty Diego Lugano's top lip was during the national anthem. Now that's passion. And I love the directness of Uruguay - no messing about, just give it the front two and let them get on with it.

Most Dismal Sixty Minutes On The Pitch.

Yoan Gourcuff actually looked like his mind stopped working.

Players And That.

That Diego Perez narrowly misses out on the man of the match trophy from that dismal second game, to the Player Of The World Cup Who Plays In London And Is French With No Hair - Vassiriki Abou Diaby. As Steve Wilson describes him, "he's vast."

Tomorrow's Headline.

BORE-AGUAY!