World Cup 2010: Half-Time With ED-209.

They say that the city is full of a million stories. Well, Langold may not be a city, but boy does it have stories?

Yes, yes it does. As I watched a father and son picking out sweets after home-time, my ears pricked up when the young lad asked his dad about when England last won the World Cup. The dad, dressed in a sharp suit and with overly-slick hair posed a question to his son - "when do you think we won it?"

The boy, tilting his head to one side and smiling, said "five years ago?" Grinning, the father kept up the act. However, after three or so fruitless attempts to get the answer on his own, the father helped his son the best way he thought possible.

"If I say we won it forty four years ago, what year would that be?"

Right, now I was fully enthralled in this interaction - the dad seemed to have turned such a sweet and innocent football conversation into some sort of impromptu maths lesson. Needless to say, his son went all the way through the '60's and '70's - except for the date in question.

The only redeeming feature for me was the frustration building up in the dad's voice. I could imagine him being the same in the office, so I stared at him intently to see if he'd break. He'd made this rod for his own back, but seemed to have too much pride to back down - and now he was squirming with angst. Brilliant.

Eventually he told his son the date, not noticing that the boy's initial childish curiosity had now been replaced with a frustrating lack of sweets and a hot head. I think he knows it would've been better off just telling him it was 1966 from the off.

Media Watch.

Another reason to like Diego - he hates the French as much as we do. I mean 'we' in the 'caught up in the World Cup stereotype hysteria' sense, of course. But I reckon Platini deserved a good verbal kicking, he thinks he's too nice blad. And using the insult "go back to the museum" is so gangsta in it's own way, but it adds a little spice when saying it to Pele.

Also, Sol Campbell's got some balls hasn't he? Having a pop at Fabio are we son? Well, the only good thing about you is the excitement you bring to crowds at every half-time nowadays, as we all can't wait for that moment when you get a cab home again.

Oh, and Guillem does it again. Brilliant article on how Spain will react to the Swiss loss.

Finally, even though it's been done a million times, I still find stuff like this funny. Sorry.

Nigeria Press The Red Button.

Not the one to go all 'interactive', the one to implode on a football field. Although it became easily the most dramatic game of the World Cup so far, I don't think I've seen a team kick itself so hard as Nigeria managed to do. What a bunch of wally's.

With a 1-0 lead, that seemed to come from a Odemwingie dummyed header (first time for everything I suppose) they had full control of the match. Yes, both sides had the most static midfields I've ever seen play, with nobody running for a forward pass, but Nigeria had control of the game.

At this point, the only entertaining thing was remembering that Nigerian player losing control of his left eye as he tried to wink at the camera during the national anthem, but all he managed to do was leave me thinking that he had some sort of tragic facial tick.

Then along comes Sani Kaita.

The thing about the kick he gave to Torosidis was how quickly and naturally it came to Kaita. To him, it seemed such normal response to being mildly pushed, that he re-enacted his exact leg action to the ref. That's not going to get you off mate, you'd be very, very lucky if the ref has the same warped approach to casual violence as you have Sani.

Anywho, the game was all the better for it. Shots galore, another keeping blunder (that damn Jubalani) and end to end footer made for a quick day at work.

Keeganville.

Well, it seems that the Argies are taking no time at all to bed now in South Africa. True, they needed an own goal from a South Korean player with an IQ of 150 (which had shades of my own O.G. in a house tournament at Wales High School - but like Chu Yung Park, I was very unlucky) - but they look delicious going forward. So much so, that all those memories of that 1995-1996 Premiership season came flooding back.

What a great football season for any boy of fifteen to witness. I mean, Asprilla is the only reason I wore gloves on the pitch that winter. El Diego's team shares a lot of likeness' to that of Keegan's Barmy Bloody Army, including full backs of the same quality (Gutierrez and John Beresford...they're the same defensively, anyway) and a splattering of 'tricky' players (Ginola and Di Maria).

But did Keegan win the league? No.

But then, he didn't have Leo Messi and Carlos Tevez. He had a temperamental (okay, simply mental) Asprilla, an ageing Beardsley and Big Les upfront. Not the same really, is it?

Bar the standard 'I hate the Argies, the cheating, filthy, greasy bastards' attitude that I've bought into, being an England fan and all that, I would absolutely love to see football like this winning something on the international stage in my lifetime. I think someone like Sly Stallone would call it 'no holds barred' football, I call it 'make me scream a little bit louder' football. Let's be honest, the Argies have yet again scored one of the most memorable goals of a World Cup with their fourth (Messi's dink = wow wee), and El Pipita's hattrick probably made Jose put the cheque book down. For a second, at least.

World Cup Controversy.

Or so the U.S.A. thinks so, anyway. It seems that whilst we were all sleeping, two continents swapped places. Probably cus they was bored or summit.

That's more than controversy my Yankee friend - that's a seismic shift in the Earth. Surely a news item worthy of going in at 8am, not 8.05am.

The France Match, Ya Get Me?

1) More important than anything else, the atmosphere was quality. The ebbing and flowing of the crowd, with a dash of vuvu-violence sounds great after all this time.

2) Well, what do you expect when you get a Saudi ref? He was stupidly restrictive to the match, even 'taking the biscuit' when making a player roll down his sleeves. I'd like to see him tell Jairzinho to pull up his socks. VIVA IRAN!

3) The announcer at half time made me spit out my Vienetta, with his bellowing robotic voice swarming the living room. Instantly I thought of ED-209, and how I'd always wondered what those spare machines were used for now. It was this, and voicing all the bad guys in Red Dwarf (i.e. a funny looking, but militant, polymorph sentinal, with a red eye, boards Star Bug and eventually gets killed with a Bazookoid).

4) It looks as if William Gallas is slowly retreating into his shell of retirement and Middle Eastern football. It seems as there's not much left of that pacey defender, who had great balance and timing. In short, Gallas is no more.

5) Spotted Wenger at the match as he commentated in a funny language. He looked like he'd gone all Clockwork Orange on a South African tramp, and was now wearing his entire wardrobe - all with an air of Hogwarts about him.

6) Mark Bright. Brighty. Brightside. Bright-O. All through his career, the man has been riding an Irish horse named Lucky, whilst popping in on a Ms. Lady Luck in a town called Luckville, where they all support Lucky United. He just consists of unbelievably limited knowledge, blinkered insight into anything outside the British game of football, and an overall weird, minstrel charm that smells like the BBC.

But, to me, he stills looks like a younger version of Ice Cube's dad in Friday.

7) That Mexican left back, Salcido, was a 'triumph' in this match, an incisive type of fellow, he even gave us an over-head bicycle kicked clearance. Lovely stuff.

8) France lost. Domenech was so moody he wouldn't put another attacker on. My pre-tournament prediction of Mexico topping Group A still looks on. Good times.

NB - If Uruguay meet Argentina in the next round, then shit is on people.