World Cup 2010: The Devil Is A Liar, God Is Great.

After peeling my face from my pillow on Sunday morning, I got out of bed only to stumble upon something at the foot of it. It seems that, in a drunken haze, I had invented a sort of 'ritual of defiance' towards the English national team.

Bumbling into my room after the game, I must have proceeded to lay out all of my various England shirts and training tops, fold them ever so very neatly into a pile (surprising, considering the state I was in) and then place them into a white carrier bag at the foot of my bed.

What is that meant to say exactly? I know white signifies death in Hindu culture, is that what my warped and peculiar mind was thinking about? Or was I merely reminding myself that I need to sort out my vast and pointless football shirt collection? Either way, what a melodramatic twat I am - all these sombre and ritualistic actions coming after just one game.

Like any self-serving England fan, I made myself feel better listening to Three Lions and England's Irie, whilst having my toast and Anadin Extra.

Gypo Green.

With the onslaught of footballing media today, I find it slightly strange that people are dissecting Rob Green's blunder to such an extent - why did he do it? how did he manage it? has he a past history of doing similarly terrible things? To me, all these questions liken him to someone like Rose West, but to be fair the only thing he's really done wrong in my eyes is look like a traveling gypsy who's been taken in by a family of farmers and now works with the pigs for some extra cash. Well, that's what I think of him, anyway.

Things I Need To Grow Out Of Doing In Public.

Over the years, I seem to have acquired a knack of marching ten yards towards the big screen in the pub whenever England advance on the opposition goal. Not only is this annoying for others, it also gives the impression that I'm going to lamp the screen if we score. I'm not, I'm just an idiot.

Text Timeline.

Looking back at the texts I was getting during the England game, it's obvious that they provide a better insight into the mind of an England fan than any punditry you'll find on the tele.

7.17pm

Jambo: I want to see some hooting fratboy shermans getting trounced.

7.36pm (England 1 USA 0)

Jambo: Right, shut up shop now.

8.05pm

Pete: I've come to the conclusion that Frank Lampard is an extremely average footballer who survives off the fact that he's surrounded by world class players at club level. Why has no one ever noticed this?

8.11pm (England 1 USA 1)

Patch: F**k me.

Jambo: Is it a rule that we have to have keepers who do that?

9.14pm

Pete: Frank Lampard, take a bow. You are shit.

Jambo: Tell me it's going to be okay mate.

9.37pm

Jambo: Heskey playing well, our right back marauding, there's a lot of good there. Although to that the keeper having a howler and you realise how these things happened under McLaren.

Most Optimistic Fans.

Pete also happens to be my Greek football correspondent (where would I be without one of those), and he tells me that Greek fans still believe that the team can go through to the next round of the World Cup - despite a performance that inspired many a 'tragedy' and 'Greeks bearing gifts' headline.

Some Good News.

My phase of becoming 'cheered up' was complete when I heard that Danny Dyer's new film, Pimp (amazing), drew a crowd of just twenty four people this weekend, tallying up a intake of just £205. God is great.

Things Footballers Should Never Do.

Watching the interviews after the England match, it's imperative that players should never, ever look right into the camera and address the viewers. It's like being George Orwell's 1984 novel. I mean, look at this:

He was supposed to reassure us about Robert Green's goalkeeping credentials, instead what went through my mind was:

"Oh good God, he's looking right at me! Why? Terry, look at the man with the microphone! This isn't normal, stop doing that Terry! Stop it!"

And all he really ended up doing is looking helpless and dopey at the same time, with his head full of baby hair and dead eyes.

Wild Claim(s) Of The Day.

That this World Cup will have more extra-time matches than any other World Cup, and will become the dirtiest one that people my age have ever seen (as you know, we all missed those Argentinian 'animals').

Revelation Of The Day (apart from The New Germany).

As I sat down to watch the Real Axis Of Evil game (yes, yes, the Germany v Australia match - I am that petty), I was surprised with my mum popping up with football questions. Thrown by her curiosity, I thought I'd relish the moment and see if I could teach her a thing or two.

Oh how wrong I was.

She asked why there is a man placed in-between the goal posts with gloves on, so I gave her a neat run down on the purpose of a goalkeeper. Yet, she insisted it was hard enough to place the ball in there, without having some able-bodied young fella trying to stop you. Laughing at this, I said it was necessary to make it difficult.

After fifteen minutes of her not seeing the point of the position, I realised that she was actually beating me into submission and proving me wrong. So now I have commissioned a line of T-Shirts to come out (designed by the local grannies in Langold) that state KEEPERS KEEP BACK on the front, and YOU ARE WACK on the back.

Let's look at the positives - the games would be a lot more entertaining, with centre backs crashing over each other in order to clear the ball off the line (I understand this would then quickly turn into a complete joke) and we'd be able to get John Legend and the rest of the U.S.A. on board. Great, hoorah!

Enjoyable Things Of The Day.

1) Again, Clarence Seedorf. Can he be the next James Bond please?

2) Wacky fans, being extra wacky for the sake of being wacky - but almost becoming wanky whilst they're doing it...

The guy has flags for eyes for god's sake. That's some Ju-Ju shit right there.

3) The Serbian and Ghanian keepers having a sweet laugh in the warm up to their first group game. That's what footy's about int it, having a laugh? Well, it should be.

4) FIFA simply being FIFA. No World Cup should have empty seats, and blaming it on the transport doesn't get you off the hook lads. I think most people would've guessed transport would be a major issue in South Africa, so pull your fingers out you mongs.

5) Kwadwo Asamoah. I want the Black Stars to stay in the competition for as long as possible, because I want to keep watching this lad play. He wouldn't look out of place in the Spain midfield (another wild claim, I know), and he's the type of squatty footballer I'd like to see running the midfield at Fulham or Aston Villa. My favourite moment was when he did Lukovic, a little bit like when Stevie G did Didi Hamman in 2001. But not as good.

6) Serbia's cheeky set-pieces, they've obviously been watching Sheffield United tapes from a few years back.

7) Faouzi Chaouchi's hairstyle and general attitude. Apparently the Algerian keeper nutted a referee and got away with a three match ban. It seems that if you look like Paddy Considine in A Room For Romeo Brass you can get away with anything at FIFA.

8) Kevin-Prince Boateng's arrogance on the field. He'll come unstuck, just watch - heed the words of the German Under 19's coach:

"At senior level, Kevin will have to wean himself off the world of fantasy football."

Instead he got a tattoo of a crown on his neck. Yes, well done, we get it - you have a royally-themed name. Now kick the ball into a bloody goal you twit.

9) Nadir Belhadj bringing back low socks. But you've got to be some player to really pull that look off.

10) ITV maintaining their consistent form of awful broadcasting, as they showed no formation line-ups for the Germany game. Not everyone has a football-shaped brain Mr. ITV Man, so please can you tell us how the teams will play - even if, according to you, it is 4-4-2 no matter what. I never knew that the Pig Climber was to be playing centre midfield.

11) Dejan Stankovic having the shiftiest eyes in world football. He looks like the shifty-eyed dog in The Simpsons every time he takes a free kick.

12) Gabriel Clarke's squinting eyes finally disappearing into his rat face, as he corresponds from the England camp. At last.

Tweet Of The Day.

"The devil is a LIAR!!! GOD IS THE GREATEST!!!! Spread the word." - Puff Daddy.

I think people got the jist of that comparison a few hundred years ago Puffy, but you should really talk to Lee Young-Pyo. You'd get on.

Only kidding, the real best Tweet was from my man Marcotti:

"I swear Udinese is the supermarket at this World Cup, including Sanchez, Inler, Asamoah, Pepe, Handanovic, Isla, Badu, Lukovic."

Kit Talk.

Have Slovenia bought Charlie Brown in to consult them on their kit design? It's awful I tell you, awful.

A Day For Pro Evo Memories.

All the memories of lost finals, doomed promotion bids and securing key transfers in mine and Si's Master League history came rushing back to me today, for two key reasons:

a) Valter Birsa. Cheap as chips and able to play anywhere in midfield or upfront, this lad was a First Season Must Buy - I loved it when he let a bosher go against Algeria, pity old doofus brain saved it.

b) Per 'The Sack Man' Mertesacker. Young and absolutely massive. The two things we always looked for in a defender. He always paired up with Lucio and one other in the back three. Oh yes, we played a back three.

I would also add Lukas Podolski to this list, but I personally think he didn't perform to the best of his ability. A bit like his actual real life club career, weird huh?

A Referee Ruining The Game.

The referee ruling over the Serbia v Ghana game thinks he's too nice. Before the teams are even out on the pitch he's looking so smug you want to smack him, and then he goes and picks up the game ball and kisses it - who are you mate?! Apparently, it's his last appearance as referee at a World Cup, so I suppose he's making the best of it. Still shouldn't be done though.

And a special mention goes to the referee of the Germany v Australia game, who looks like an extra in La Bamba - all he needs is a ponytail. Watch out for his cameo in that new film, Machete.

Warning.

In the next three days the high-scoring cowboys of world football are upon us, with Holland, Brazil and Spain 'hitting the field'. Germany have simply opened the flood gates people.

And Last But Not Least...The New Germany.

Yes, I've left them last because I'm English and I'm allowed to do that, you bloody fascists.

The evening started off with me hoping that both Germany and Australia would lose, and football being the only winner. I sort of got that right, as it seems Germany have peaked too early and will crash out in the next round, a la Bulgaria '94, and the Aussies will now be redundant without Tim 'No Really, I'm A Boxer' Cahill to head goals in for them.

Also, Lahm looks like he should be starring in the Inbetweeners, Marko Marin is actually twelve years old, and Ozil looks like Wednesday from the Addams Family. Ha!

My Podolski Issue.

Since the last World Cup I have been banging on about how this little upstart is over-rated so much that it makes my teeth itch. He's then decided to play really, really well for the national side, but I'm still sticking to my guns. He's a meany young twat who is too big for his boots, and should feel very sorry for himself before he gets too big for his britches.

Okay, now for:

The New Germany (Without My England 'Hat' On).

This is no longer the muscular, efficent and heartless Germany that we've all grown up on. This is the New Germany.

It's characteristics will be hard to get used to, but we have time to do so. They are incredibly technically gifted, and possess pace in both their passing and running. Their team is powerful and their football is fluid, with an adaptable formation and confidence that shouldn't come so easily to such an inexperienced group of players.

This isn't merely judged over their last group game, I've been watching them and the transformation has been a slow one. But it is finally here.

This isn't to say that they had it all their own way against the Aussies, and they definitely got a bit of luck in the game (but aren't the Germans always oh so very lucky?). First half the Aussies made the Germans look good, with defending so bad that it even gave an England fan some heart. Start of the second half, the Aussies put on Bret Holman and ended up playing like me and Si do with our Master League team, and Germany were chasing them for ten minutes.

But in the end, the Germans showed that thing missing from this World Cup so far. Hunger. Not just any old hunger, but one for goals and football - the best type of hunger a man can get.

Mesut Ozil will be world class within a year, if he isn't already, Klose is....well, Klose, and it seems that Lahm has finally learnt how to be a leader on the field. Great, I can sleep safe and sound now knowing that England, despite having a similar team, will always find it a task to play the way Germany did tonight.

I'll leave you with the answers I received from my fellow football brainiacs, to the question "why can't England play like this, even just a little bit?"

- Because then we'd be German, and no one wants that.

- Don't worry, they've peaked too early.

- Mentality (that was from a German actually, typically frosty response).

- Clinical bastards, ain't they?

- I feel jealous.

- Anyway, I don't care how we play, we're the best and we invented football, and we are going to win the final 10-0.