Don't Try

World Cup 2010: Big Balls & A Kind Face.

2010-07-08T00:04:00.001-07:00

Now, how am I going to approach this and not sound anti-German? Was I happy that they lost to Spain? Yes. Did they deserve to? Yes. Did I wish for a hammering so severe that it would set the German game back ten years? Maybe.

But, this isn't about my personal feelings about the German national side (note 'national': I actually love the Bundesliga for it's strong grip on football ethics, as well as my brilliant experiences at the 2006 World Cup) - it's bigger than that.

Since seeing how Milan took Barca apart in the 1994 European Cup final, I have been able to distinguish the football I like, from the football that leaves me totally engrossed. Yes, it's the type of football that creates it's own ode to that one technical aspect of the game that renders England useless: the pass.

To give credit where it's due, Germany this summer have passed the ball beautifully, and you can see the melting pot of German football at work there (they keep this up, 2012 will be lop-sided). But they have relied far too much on their ability to counter-attack, just like Spain rely far too much on their passing ideology. Both need to use, and I hate these words I'm about to type, a 'Plan B'. I'm not sure if the German's had one, apart from sticking Gomez on and hoping for something to go in off him, but Spain have Llorente, Navas, Fabregas and Mata on the bench - all players that can be the 'Plan B', if only used.

Instead, Spain's came in the form of the beautifully wonderous image of Puyol connecting that header on the run (how good do those feel? Side issue - what's better, that or connecting with a volley?). That mental picture is up there with Ruud, when he scored that magnificent header in the European Championships.

Was it sweeter against the Germans? Of course. But, I would have celebrated a lot more if it wasn't for my German friend calling me just before the game, from a heaving German bar in London. Boy, that singing was inspiring, and even snatched some grudging respect out of me. Never again, mind you.

But then I hear all this bollocks about something called 'ticky tacky' football. Isn't this the same term I've heard as a kid meaning 'shoddy'? How, exactly, is that related to Spanish football?

Delving into this a little deeper, it seems that the argument can be boiled down to two Tweets. The first, from Hip Hop Connection:

"Lordy, Spain's touchy-feely approach is sleep-inducing. Worse than Arsenal."

The opposing, from Honigstein himself:

"Spain absolutely brilliant in midfield, a pleasure to watch. If you find that boring, you don't understand football."

Now, I'm not going to be entirely as childish as Honigstein, but I do agree. Yes, Spain need to be more incisive sooner, but f**k ticky tacky, really? So I'm guessing that that Brazil goal and that Argentinian goal were both born out of a rubbish style of football? If you change your mind, don't be ashamed - I used to think that Thomas Brolin was footballing great.

I just hope that the same people that say the Spanish are boring, aren't the same people moaning about England not being able to keep the ball. I think the best argument you can get against their style of Coldplay Football is in this article, but that fact is that I happen to not mind Coldplay. So there.

Another quick point, why is David Silva not being picked to start? Does anybody know? I honestly think he's on the same level as Pedro, if a little less selfish. All I'm saying is, if I was a Man City fan, I'd be raising the same question.

Anyway, in a semi-final where it was nice to see all of the starting twenty two players playing in their own nation's domestic league (including Toni Kroos, who's a cert for a speaking role in the next season of the O.C.), I think that Germany looked a lot more threatening. Even if it was on the break. But their major problem was losing the ball too quickly after gaining possession. Not a major no-no against most sides, but this is Spain - they really should have known better.

Play On, Playa.

During one of the heavy texting sessions I like to conduct throughout a game nowadays, I picked the brains of me colleagues on their favourite player at the moment. It being the World Cup an all, I can see why most opted for players in this particular tournament. The survey says:

David Villa: For being one the few players that has lived up to his billing this summer, even though he can't do a decent defender in a one-on-one situation.

Van Bommel: He gets the job done. Imagine having your career summarised in such a succinct way. Is this another way of saying he's looks pretty rubbish, but still gets picked by strong European teams?

Gyan: For his Eto'o-esque work rate, his big balls on taking that penalty in the shoot out, and for the fact that he has a kind face.

The Pig Climber: For keeping the ball like nobody else can, and for fooling us all into thinking he was a mid-level winger all this time - one that, if he came to England, would probably come to someone like Chelsea, have an average season, and then move to Everton and become the new Arteta.

Crissy Ronaldo: For his arrogant tricks and imaginative ways of naming his first born. Oh, and he can head a ball.

Ian Esta: Adaptable, and effortlessly brilliant at it.

Messi: Best player of our lifetime, and we get the privilege of seeing how he goes about it. Not a bad shout, really.

Or does it go to The Other Diego (you know, Forlan)? Not only has he proved his worth (to us Englanders), but I think he might just edge it with his Tweets giving us a very un-England insight into the Uruguay camp during this summer - including team BBQ's, table tennis competitions, and general boozed-upness. Bored my arse.

Non-Football Giggles.

I'm a bit of a headline follower, and these are just two that I got my rocks off to recently. I know, nothing to do with the football whatsoever - but I can't bring myself to talk about how Borja Valero has somehow become a rising star in Spanish football. So, to my first masterpiece:

Who doesn't have a local rapist? I see mine come into the shop every Tuesday to get his Happy Shopper orange juice and scotch egg - and he seems happy as pie at the moment. Business must be good. Also, the beady-eyed amongst you may have spotted the bottom-right story, which I think is worth the 68p itself.

And for my encore:

No doubt this has been viewed by many of you, but have you thought just how well matched the headline is with Moat's dead kid eyes? It's like he's telling us "I will take steriods, and there's nothing you can do about it." Well, I'm not buying the rumour that the reason he's been playing Rambo up to now, is because of some repressed-ginger anger. Look at how Paul Scholes turned out, so that's no excuse.

Ronaldo v Klose.

So, the squirrel-faced old man looks set on taking the Real Ronaldo's World Cup scoring record hey? Well, a thought to mull over whilst the debate rages on (trust me, it will rage if Klose nabs the record).

Some might say that the image of a fat footballer is the height of arrogance, and this may be true in Ronnie's case. Yes, he was arrogant throughout his career, and Klose has built a reputation for being a team player. But, when you think of the young lads playing football on the local wreck or playground, do you seriously want them to be shouting "baggsy Klose"?

They are young and carefree, so the hero these lads need isn't going to come from a player who has notched up just three years of European-class club football (his Werder days aren't going to launch him into any history books outside of Bremen).

What they need is exactly that type of arrogance that comes with proving yourself on every stage of football (okay, bar the Champions League...but I didn't say Ronaldo was better than Zizou). I think we all know that when we look on our own football stories in the nursing home, we'll be discussing Ronaldo quotes like "I don't run, I score goals" rather than a player, when he retires, will be as dull as Boring, Boring Bergkamp.

Ah, so this also leads us to the off-shoot debate: does having an average club career but a superb international career make you world class? And if it does, do we need to re-align our Five Mics policy - or is football going to end up like Source magazine?

Back To The Future.

I already have a faint idea that what I'm about to say may strike many people as a waste of time, and have them questioning just why on Earth I'd put this shit on my blog.

Well, to those guys - I apologise. Now f**k off suit, as it is my blog and I'm coming on all Billy Walsh.

Since I've been feeling good about footy again (we have an 'on-and-off' relationship, but we're working on it) due to the distinct smell of a World Cup in the Langold air, I've decided to brush off my Xbox 360 pad (literally) and get back 'in to' footy games. So I slang in the FIFA 09 disc and settle down with me little bro to do battle (yes, that's how we get down in Thandi House, forget any pussy-footing around).

My droning on about how football games felt so much better when I was a kid was a load of cods-wallop, and was working more as mind game technique I'd mastered whilst playing the youngsters in my family. That, and the phrases "you're just pressing the same button" and "that would never happen in tennis/football/basketball" are my personal favourites.

Then it hit me.

These youngsters weren't around for the original FIFA game on the Mega Drive. Therefore, they were never around for the 'stand in front of the keeper before he launches it' trick. So simple, yet so beautiful.

A bit like Matt Le Tissier.

And guess what? Yes my loyal readers, I'm chalking it up as a win for the '80's/'90's kids out there. Screw all you fancy game engines, I'm keeping it old skool. Therefore 'real'.

World Cup 2010: Cheers Maxi...Twat.

2010-07-05T13:36:00.001-07:00

Maxi Pereira. Maxi bloody Pereira.

That boy cost me £21, as I had the game down as a thrilling 3-1 showing from the Dutch. Well, they've yet to truly thrill me as yet, so I expected them to systematically take apart a severely weakened Uruguay side.

But no, they relied on a wonder strike comparable to that by Maniche (against the Dutch, actually), pretty poor Uruguayan defending and ultimately got done at a set piece in injury time. Yes yes, they still won - but who cares?!

I know, I know - if you play in the dirt, expect to get dirty. Get lost McNulty, do I look like Officer Walker?

And how gutted are you if you're a Uruguayan? Not only did you have to call upon the other El Diego when Silly Muntari boshed one in, but then you had to do it again when Gio popped up with what I claim is the best goal of the World Cup (so far, obviously). There didn't seem to be too much movement, and Gio showed some balls by not disguising his shot as a cross (yeah, i see you Maicon). Anyway, I think they have a good side for the future (Under 20's side looks decent), and I'm growing a liking for that Gargano - he's like a little, squatty engine running up and down the pitch.

Okay, moving on. So this is the first time a European team will win the World Cup outside of its continent - but all I ask is that team be Spain.

Hold it, don't expect any anti-German sentiment from me. I'm only saying this for the good of the game itself, we need Spain to win this World Cup for many reasons.

The Reasons.

1) I truly believe this Spanish side is the best the country will have for at least another forty years. Similar to France in 1998, this side has been blessed with timing. But more so, it has been blessed with the resurgence of Barca in the last five years, and the strength of it's league teams in European competition. It's effect on the global football community is comparable to that of the Best International Side Of All Time - the 1970 Brazil squad.

Now, I know this doesn't give them a divine right to win the thing - especially as they haven't fulfilled their potential in this tournament (thanks to Hitzfeld, Chile and the manager persisting with Sergio Buckets alongside Alonso and Xavi). But, they have played the best football us lot are going to see for a very long time, and have been doing it for years. Not just this summer - years.

2) They show us English people how integral the role of mentality is within a team. This is the same nation that under-achieved more than England, and within the course of around six years has learnt to let go of that, and are re-writing their own history books. For that, they deserve something...but maybe that something is just a pat on the back.

3) A World Cup isn't like other competitions where outsiders merely show up one summer and win the hallowed trophy. It's not the Euro's, the Olympics or the Champions League. Teams have to be great to win this thing, great in the sense that they are either going to, or already have, effected football dramatically for the four years leading up to the tournament. Spain fit the bill, and if another side had played truly great football throughout this summer, I would take my hat off to them. But they haven't.

So, let's all be honest with ourselves shall we? The Dutch team isn't actually better than the one they had in 2008. Or 2006. Maybe even 2004. They play a direct and wide style that is so similar to the Premier League that it makes me want to puke. And this German side will only deserve the trophy if they go on to dominate for the next four years, so can't they just wait their turn? Hello, look at your trophy cabinet - it's pretty full already you greedy gits.

4) If we all look within the football department inside our hearts, we know Spain are the best side left. Even if they show up at 60%, they are better than the others - but it's the 'if' that is the problem. If the mentality issues come back to roost, if they play without width for longer than sixty minutes, and if the Germans/Dutch capitalise - they will have failed at the final hurdle. Their greatness will be lost in the ether, and our kids will scratch their heads at what we're banging on about when we say that this Spanish side was the best team of our generation.

And who wants to put up with that?

5) Spain have David Villa, a permanent resident in my Top Three Strikers chart. He deserves the trophy above most of the 'great' players left, don't you think?

Speechless.

As the Argentines played out their traditional exit from another World Cup, I was overcome with sadness. I couldn't even write any notes on the match, all I got was:

Pathetic, I know. But who won't miss things like this?

The tragic clown has left the building, so has any divine comedy that I wished for in the final. Now we'll just have the self-combustible Dutch and the incessantly counter-attacking Germans just being bitter to each other, and Cruyff coming out moaning again about Berti Vogts' man-marking in 1974. Oh well, at least I won't have to be nervous as f**k, unlike my German mates.

Biggest Summer Disappointment.

No, not the scandalously short playing given to Jesus Navas, nor is it Wayne Rooney.

It's this:

I should actually relate (yes, my figure is 'adapting' to home life), but I've not felt this bad since Lauryn Hill fell off. Oh well, we'll still have 2002-2007 Ronnie.

Something For The Pub.

Did you know that Forlan is the first player since Lothar Matthaus, to score three goals outside the box in a single World Cup?

Well, you do now. (Yes, it's been a slow 'story' day - roll on Germany v Spain).

Will This Last?

Well, well, well - has the British media grown up? This is what I saw on the back page the other day:

I think it's the first act of actual sports journalism that I've seen on the back page. Where's the gossip in this - a story about the Under 19 England squad? That's astonishing, does this mean people will be watching the competition later this July? Wow, I'm going to the local to watch it - we're certain to screen it in pubs now that we all know England has to build from the ground up.

Oh, hold on - I think Spurs are playing Hamburg in a pre-season friendly on the day of that England match....go Spurs! England Shmingland, let's get the Premier League hoopla on the go!

Yes, I'm not fooled. We'll lose interest, and I'll be back to trying to talk to England fans about football below the senior level - only for it to culminate in a conversation similar to this.

Oh well, when the World Cup does finish, I'm going back to moaning about films, music and girls.

World Cup 2010: Now Bring On The Drama.

2010-07-03T00:44:00.001-07:00

All shocks, no drama. That was my rushed review of the 2010 World Cup. 'Was' being the operative word.

Let's think about it, not a lot of the football would have got you jumping out of your seats screaming at the tele or to the gods above. Even with once-great nations crashing out willy nilly, I could only really summon up the Italy v Slovakia game as one that got me 'going'. Okay, maybe John Terry got me 'going' as well, but that was through his stupidity forging dramatic license. It doesn't count.

But then, on Friday 2nd July 2010, things changed.

God Lends Out His Hand. Again.

It seems, if I wanted to drama, I'd have to wait for Ghana. A nation which I have held some subdued love for ever since this man turned up:

And when this goal showed it's beautiful face to me, I knew that the nation of Ghana was one that I would try to follow in football. Yes, this may also be down to the fact that they would never really pose a threat to England (bar 2010), and because they thought up kits like this:

Brilliant. Add to that my friendships with people from Ghanaian heritage at university, it seemed natural to adopt them as my second team this summer. Thinking about it, I've been banging on for seven years now how much I want a Ghana shirt, but will anybody listen? Will they f**k.

So, to the game. Wow plus wee. Any game that forces Clive Tyldesley to come up with household Ghanaian names before the match, and him citing Tinie Tempah and Dizzee Rascal, is a 'must watch' for me. So...

Things I Thunk About The Ghana Match.

1) Gyan. That name on it's own will be used on the football field from now on, to either (a) show a player who blows it in the last minute or (b) show a player who has the biggest balls on the pitch. Since Maradona, has one player's name encompassed such opposing meanings? Well, 'Gyan' will do for now.

2) The amount of debate surrounding the Suarez 'save' on the line is ridiculous. Anyone who's played the game or watched it for longer than ten years will understand that any footballer would do the same. And if they didn't, they should be hung out to dry by fans, friends and family. In the words of one Sid Lowe:

"Is what Henry did against Ireland, really any worse than what Suarez did against Ghana?"

Hmmm. Food for thought. But Suarez making himself out to be someone special is just the behaviour of a knob-head. Quote:

"The Hand Of God now belongs to me. I made the best save of the tournament."

No, Luis, you just did what anybody else would do in that situation, so stop trying to raise your own stock market value and shut up.

3) Should we really be that surprised about Abreu's penalty? I'm more surprised about how badly he's let himself go over the years, he looks like he should be in the Motorhead entourage.

4) Silly Muntari's goal was stupendous, and was the first to literally get me out of my seat. That's all I have to say about it. Oh, yes - I will be calling him 'Silly' from now on.

5) I couldn't have got more annoying, as every time the commentator mentioned Scotti, something repulsive inside of me had to keep adding '2 Hotty' at the end of it. Sorry.

5) Please don't tell me that Pantsil wearing one short sleeve and one long, is a calling for all the early 2000's stupid hip hop fashion sense to re-emerge. The last thing I need, when I'm desperately trying to hang on to hip hop, is more people thinking they're Jay Z at the end of the 'Girls, Girls, Girls' video, or LL Cool J with one leg of his jeans rolled up. What does it mean LL? It means you're bored, and you're trying to be different.

6) Kevin Prince Boateng has no footballing brain. I know, nor have I, but I can still say it. Ghana shouldn't blame Suarez for cheating, they should blame this lad for continuously being selfish and stupid - he could have set up three Ghana goals in this match, if he'd just looked beyond the new tattoo he's going to get when he single-handedly united Africa after winning the World Cup with a scissor-kicked goal in the last minute against Germany.

7) I'm sorry, Cavani is just like having Zlatan on the wing. What's the point? (God, I wish Zlatan was at this tournament).

Quote Of The Day.

Got to go to Paul MacInnes. Not the stabbed footballer, but the Guardian writer. When Forlan scored The Most Unskillful Freekick Of The World Cup, Paul stated:

"That ball is a colonial supremacist."

Which brings me on nicely too...

I Have A Feeling That Eusebio Is Right.

Ah, the Jabulani ball. The joker in the pack. Look at it, as it flows around the air streams of South Africa, pretty much doing what it wants.

What an absolute joke.

Diego Forlan said after the match, that "you just have to hit it really hard, because it moves."

So that's the secret we'll have to teach our kids when they're growing up, not to try to add skill and technique into your set-pieces, but to just hit it really hard. Well, sounds quite English to me, so not much change there then. But seriously, this ball is just detracting from any skill the player may have, and in turn is tainting my World Cup experience. I demand a refund!

And this in turn, may have been reflected in Eusebio's recent statements that there are a lack of great players around today. I know, it could just be old age kicking in, and the need to say "in my day" in every other sentence, but with balls like this, it can't really help, can it?

Great German Insight.

Had to flag up this story, about how the German's CIA-ed us into losing, with their agents dressed up like students from Cologne. We'd have won it, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.

Brazil Summary.

This pretty much says it all:

What an implosion. How can Felipe Melo think that he's not to blame? You're right Felipe, no need to apologise - that stamp and own goal were both truly justified by your assist in the first half. What a wally.

Anytime you bring on a full back that Spurs rejected (aka Gilberto) and have a Kaka that, frankly, looks fat - you need to revamp the squad. Yes, I thought Brazil had enough there to go and win it, but a weak group and easy run-in before this game left them without any battle-hardening.

As for the Dutch, I still believe that they actually don't look that good. Wesley has been great, and I'm still a fan of Elia, but how hard is it to figure out that Robben will never again in his career, go on the outside of a defender?

Organised? Yes. Good to watch? Not really.

Will Berti Vogts come out of the woodwork now, in line for a Germany v Holland final? I personally would have loved a Brazil v Argentina final, but the Germans going at it with their neighbours is the second best tie. Spain will go and ruin things, watch.

Quickly...

Just have to say, Sheffield Wednesday bringing in this guy:

Is the best decision since making the new Spiderman, this guy:

What a great head of hair, like Larry David says - "he's blessed."

World Cup 2010: Yes, Another Inquiry.

2010-06-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

As the texts flooded into my phone that it was now 4-1 to Germany, I sat there in the gurdwara and knew this was an altogether different type of English exit from a major tournament.

Traveling back up north I heard it was woeful and embarrassing, with England being outplayed, outclassed and out-thought. So it came as a bit of a surprise when I settled down in the middle of the night to see the ITV highlights, and we didn't look that bad when we had the ball. It seemed we were caught out due to woeful and embarrassing defending more than anything. Putting this down to biased editing, I went on with my life.

So, with a confused brain, I decided it best that all my England points of view should conform to the national consensus - moronic arguments about pay packages (which I'll come to later) and a team that all seems to like drinking it's own Kool Aid (aka believe themselves to be better than they actually are). Until I watched the full ninety minutes yesterday.

People really have no idea what they're banging on about, do they? Just because the papers all adhere to the newest English Football Doomsday protocol (we've had so many), doesn't mean people should dismiss how the match actually panned out.

What We All Know.

That the way England defended was beyond any explanation outside of the England set-up. There's no point listening to us all gabbing about how reckless and indisciplined it was (both being very English traits anyway). We all saw John Terry go up for the free kick at 2-1 down, and then play 'tricky winger' for the throw-in at 3-1 - no defender would do this. But a baby-haired tosser with a Leader Complex would, being a twat that has been overrated from Jump Street (I've said this for ages by the way, but nobody listened, tut).

But what we should be asking is who trained the team to defend like it did, and what explanations have they got for us. And if we're going there, I'd like to know the honest thoughts of the players and manager on the whole campaign - not just one game.

What We All Should Know.

The 2-2 disallowed goal was a major 'game changer'. There, I said it, and I enjoyed it too.

Yes, we may have gone on to lose 6-2, but that's not the point. The point is that at this stage we may have scraped a win on penalties, Rooney could have scored the goal of the tournament, Capello could have slapped Joachim, and we would not have had Germany just sit back for the whole second half. Basically, anything could have happened.

A mate of mine who's against technology in football insists it takes the purity out of the game, detracts from the drama, undermines the ref's authority and can't be in place at all levels of the sport.

To him, and anyone who says the same, I just want to say:

1) That if a sport is relying on refereeing mistakes to add drama and purity to it, then there's something seriously wrong with that sport. Football has so much drama anyway, it doesn't need to stake fairness to add more.

2) So what if technology can't be in place at all levels of the game? Just because the Langold Boys team doesn't get the same treatment as countries at the 2010 World Cup, it doesn't mean nations should be unfairly kicked out of a tournament that only rolls around every four years.

3) Technology isn't the be all and end all, you dicks, it's an AID for the ref. He chooses to use it or not, in order to correct any human errors. Simple.

4) I don't know the exact reasoning why FIFA don't want to use technology in football, but to not use it is the equivalent of you being told by your Geography teacher that you can't use the internet to research your GCSE project on silt.

Other than that, I just want to address my confusion at the start - about us being outclassed. I opt to think that we were out-thought, as Germany played tidy and precise football - but in the large part it was ineffectual. They let us keep the ball for long periods, probably because they knew we'd lose it from a hopeful sixty yard pass from the back. Honigstein says it best:

"The German's were better on the ball, had a better game plan and they had individuals who surprised themselves by reaching new heights."

England lacked courage in their football, had a minimal number of decisive attacks, and simply weren't good enough. This is true. But to say the Germans outclassed England totally by running rings round us, is simply uneducated.

Outclassed is Italy in the 1970 World Cup Final. Look it up you Premier League-supporting muppets.

It is the score-line and the team's defending that is humiliating. Not the ambition of the England team, that's just under the tag of 'not good enough'. For me, Algeria was a far worse performance as we really lacked any attacking threat, invention or general football demeanour in that one (yes, I know Hansen said the Germany game was four levels below the Algeria one, but he's still Scottish). Hey, we may as well go on and lose 4-1 if we're 2-1 down and chasing it, that's what I was taught in P.E. anyway.

Quickly - England Fans.

Please stopping being stupid. That's all I ask of you. I've lost count the amount of times I've heard fans recite word for word what the papers are saying - grow your own opinions in that thing above your eyes.

Listening to 5Live and Talksport I heard the phrase 'technical ability' (and England's lack of it) more than fifty times in fifteen minutes. Do these people even know what this phrase means? To me, it just seems a buzz word for idiocy, and highlights the fact that you really have nothing new to say.

Also, if you made a mistake then own up to it. There's so many people I personally know who agreed with Phil Thompson that Rooney was "streets ahead" of Messi. But now, they've changed their mind, but not in admitting that they were wrong, but because Rooney didn't turn up this summer. This kind of thinking is exactly why fans are the worst people to listen to when it comes to our national side - they just personify the island mentality we have of a 'divine right' to be better than everyone else at football.

We are not. And as for moaning about the wages of these players and how that makes them rubbish...who the f**k do you think funds the Premier League circus you mong? It's an entertainment industry that we all pay into, so don't moan about the wages - stop paying and get off the ride. Now.

Quote Of The Week.

When throwing a hissy fit on BBC radio about the behaviour of the England players, this fan attempted to back Fabio - only to make me realise this is why fans know Sweet FA really.

"We could have had Mickey Mouse in charge of the England team, and we still wouldn't have done better."

A Word On Capello.

We need to break this English trend of expecting, failing and repeating again, and for that reason I think we should keep Don Fabio in charge. That, and the fact that if Redknapp takes charge of England then I truly will stop watching football.

In this country, the Premier League is a foreign league. Nobody outside of it can relate to it, but really want to be in it. It's a bit like London. With the silly amount of foreign influence in the league, why then do you want an Englishmen to be in charge of the players who ply their trade here? Plus, the seal has been broken since Sven, so we're way past this argument now.

If a lot of our English players played abroad, and the England team had a uniform style and formation that they could adapt to (a la Brazil or Argentina) then yes, get an Englishmen in charge. But I'd rather have miscommunication from my manager if he can then bring something new to the set up. Yes, I know, Don Fabio is yet to do this - but he does need time, and at his age the question is if he's really up for it. I don't think anybody has a good replacement in mind, and remember - this is not simply a case of bad team management, so let's not repeat our mistakes.

And if that's not convincing you, well read this then. Ha!

Alright Then Billy Big Bollocks, What Do You Suggest?

First, let's just admit that the national side is not a major priority in this country, and the club game is. Done? Good, now we can move on.

The Premier League is our greatest strength, as well as our greatest weakness. A player like Connor Wickham is being praised to the high heavens within the sport, but have we noticed? Well, he's not playing in the Premier League, so of course not.

Look, Trevor Brooking believes that the current England Under 17's side is the best passing group we've ever had, and I for one take his word on it (he's not one for hyperbole). But do we have a bridge from where these young players can break into the top flight football here? Not so much, so who do we call?

The F Bloody A.

I have to agree with Crissy Waddle on how the FA approach the national side, and our stance with adopting foreign systems. Taking into account this brilliant article showing just how hard it is to change anything in English football, we still have to look to the future.

No matter how long it takes us to adapt and change for the good of our national game, we can't keep trudging out these old promises of 'inquiries into the English game', 'not enough coaches' and 'root and branch reviews' - these arguments are simply echoes from a post-Graham Taylor era. Yet, at the moment, we're doing it again. So sad.

If we should look at anyone for tips, it should be the Germans. From the year 2000, they knew their national game needed to change if it was to compete. After looking at French academies, they decided to take a massive step and get the DFB to work with the Bundesliga for the benefit of the national side (making sure every time had an academy and such like).

So, instead of the Premier League taking over the England team, why not work with the FA? Learn from this failed experiment by giving our youth policies a common goal, by building Burton to create an influx of English coaches, by aiming to provide our national manager with a massive menu of different players to pick from (so players can fill in, like Khedira for Ballack) and basically by seeing just how this relationship benefitted the Germans.

To come back to the start of this post, this was an altogether different exit for England, because this time even our best excuse and scapegoat can't hide the fact that there is something dangerously wrong within the English game. But it can change, if the right people make the right decisions and earn their pay packets.

I still believe that this New Age of English football that I hang on to, can be born out of this 4-1 result. Maybe, years later we can look back on the 2010 World Cup as a turning point in our footballing history, when we started to wrong all the rights about our national game. Maybe, just maybe.

World Cup 2010: Please Give Me Five.

2010-06-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

As you will undoubtedly understand, I am still re-wiring my brain from the England result against Germany. Therefore, please give me 'five minutes' to gather my thoughts, so that I may write some bullshit or another on my meaningless views on English football.

Yours apologetically,

Chikayne.

World Cup 2010: 'England Only' Post.

2010-06-26T01:14:00.001-07:00

I was going to start this blog off with a review of Luis 'El Pistolero' Suarez - his life and times, his career going forward from that winner against South Korea, that sort of thing.

But then I thought, if I was a reader of this powerfully average blog, I wouldn't care less if Luis was curling them in beautifully from the edge of the box - it's England versus Germany, you dick.

And you'd be right.

So, I'm allowing myself to let patriotism take over. And boy it feels good. I realised that last year I'd made an utterly wild statement that England will win the World Cup in 2010. Now, I'm not the type to predict such things, I'm always hedging me bets - so this was particularly peculiar behaviour.

But look at the side. Look at our World Cup Group. Look at Don Fabio in charge.

It was a New Age wrapped up in Old Age toilet paper (aka people like Frank 'Fatty' Lampard, David 'Gay?' James, Michael 'The Welsh Wizard' Owen), and I honestly thought this England set-up could finally deliver. But then it gets to six weeks before the tournament starts, and I start questioning myself.

Then we played the U.S.A. and looked terrible. Then it got worse. How was this possible? A year ago this was a side that could challenge the likes of Argentina and Brazil. So by the Slovenia game, I'd already descended into a pit of mardyness about the 2010 World Cup.

"Aren't the South Africans great?"

"No, they're shit and will be lucky to finish third in their group."

"My bets are on Brazil, if not Spain."

"Really? Did you read that in Take A Break? Why don't you grow some balls and make a decision for yourself - like bet on Japan?"

"Those horns are so much fun."

"What? You're serious, aren't you? Sorry, I think my brain is too large for this conversation."

That's pretty much how I approached people in the shop, anyway.

But now we're here, and things are looking rosy (apart from my predicament about actually getting to watch the match). And I'm starting to believe again.

This may have something to do with how the papers are always loving a good 'stoke up' of old racist fires. Or it could be something to do with how clips of Fabio on the touchline (and bullying Psycho) make me glad to have a foreign manager in charge.

Could it be this brilliant article from Honigstein, that maps out how England can be victorious on Sunday?

Or maybe it's for my belief that Fabio has no chip on his shoulder in the shape of Germany, and so our players will see them for what they are. Simply eleven other players on the pitch. Not a massive, smug and efficient machine that creates new nightmares for us every time we face them.

Remember 5-1 people. Remember Stevie Gee teaching Didi Hamman a lesson in the middle of the field. Remember how good Gazza actually was. Remember John Barnes coming on against Argentina in '86, and almost winning the game for us. Remember Barry Davies screaming "Go on! Run at them!" when he did come on.

Remember 1990. Remember England Irie. Remember that Owen goal in 1998. Remember Punk, Ska, British Blues and Trance Nation. Remember Coogan, Cleese, Morris, Sellars and Palin.

Then think of this side we have, and how we can beat the Germans. And the Argies. And we'll see what happens when it comes to Brazil. Then think of me, furiously checking my phone for updates, and biting my tongue when we score.

And if that doesn't get you up for it, then you have a heart wrapped in sellotape, that's slowly pruning up into a pea-sized ball, resembling a week-old chewed piece of gum. You fascist.

World Cup 2010: Mick's Parasite Football.

2010-06-25T12:26:00.001-07:00

Now, I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, but - why are we thinking, let alone talking, about penalty shootouts four days before an England match?

That says a lot about our mind-sets, doesn't it? I know the brainless issue of shootouts might appeal to a numbskulled troglodyte Sun-ite, but does it seriously merit this front page?

Ignore the awful headline (it's not even clever), and the fact that this front page story is based on a Sun Survey (so, that's some guy with a whippet in a pub in Essex that has gathered the statistics) which proves the Germans are 'wurst' at pens than us, but look at the six-inches long story on the far left hand side (yes, zoom in).

There's something wrong in this country if the death of four British servicemen is nudged to the corner of the front page of the Nation's Best-Selling Newspaper, by a story about the England team's history in penalty shootouts.

Get over it lads, we're not very good at pens and that's that. Brazil aren't very good at defending, but you don't see them banging on about it constantly.

A Glitch In The Matrix.

That's what David James is. He's an anomaly. An aberration.

I mean, look at this pic:

It says everything. The guy is obviously intelligent, very articulate, confident and sensible. In fact, I'd have him speak at my first child's birthday party. But on the pitch, he becomes a right silly twat - a bit like how he gets in a studio to do shoots like the one above.

What happens to him? Which group of us is he fooling exactly - his supporters, or his critics? I'm not sure, but I think if you figure that out, you figure the streets out.

Funny, Small French Man.

So, Patrice Evra has decided to blame the vuvuzela's for the French World Cup campaign. All I'm going to say is, he was there, we weren't - so who knows?

Oh, and I honestly think Patrice would be a great shout to play Napoleon in any upcoming movie - he has that aura about him. Or is that just me thinking that he probably has a Napoleon Complex?

Mick's Parasite Football.

Mick McCarthy was a punditry revelation during the Brazil v Portugal match. The game was so annoying, he at one point even said that he hoped for an elbowing incident, just so that they had something to talk about. Now that's dedication to the cause.

But his Tour De Force was when he described the Portuguese team as playing 'parasite football' - they were merely feeding off any mistakes that Brazil made.

He's absolutely right, and seems to have coined a phrase that describes that type of football brilliantly. I now intend to use this phrase throughout my life, and may even bend the rules and use it for other things such as 'parasite music' or 'parasite filming'.

Moving onto the parasitic team itself, I'm left feeling a little strange that Portugal have got through to the next round due to one freak result. I know, England are similar, but at least we didn't get our own hopes up by winning 7-0. At this moment in time, Portugal remind me of a Big Sam Allardyce team, but instead of Jay Jay they have Ronaldo.

The fact that the BBC decided to have an opening package for this game, consisting of heavily edited sequences of balls being dribbled every three minutes, only made me doubt the fact that this match would be any good. Oh, and I also agree with Seedorf that Ronaldo is not yet an all-time great (due to the fact he hasn't carried a team at the top level - a bit like Messi is doing in this tournament). So, to all you Premiership fans: HA, IN YOUR FACE! Even Drogba's a better leader than Crissy Ronaldo!

As For Those Brazilians.

I told you they needed another creative force behind the striker(s). Baptista was such a waste of space, and bar some nice passes here and there, he was like Duncan Ferguson in the middle of the park. Okay, not as tall, but having the same effect in that position.

And you have to question a striker who describes a goal that he hand-balled twice, as "one of the most beautiful I have ever scored." Yes, Luis Fabiano, I'm on about you.

Golden Bench Prize Winner.

No matter how nice Leonardo is outside of football (ahem, that elbow in '94 anyone?), it seems the job at AC Meelan was beyond him. So, Massimiliano Allegri (what a great first name) is the man in charge of Ronnie & Co.

Looking at his CV, his attacking style lead Cagliari to ninth and twelfth place within two seasons in Serie A, bagging him the Golden Bench Prize on the way. But is the Meelan job a step too far for him? I happen to think so. I mean, it's like Roy Hodgson being appointed as Liverpool manager.

Oh.

Feelings For Chile.

Before I harp on about how bad I felt for Chile during the Spain match, let me just say:

1) I love their training top. I want one...it's my 30th this year, so I've dropped the first big hint.

2) ITV's lurid ninety seconds of television is just not on. Before an advert break, Adrian Chiles piped up with "before we go, we're just going to leave you with a decision to make" and we were presented with these two ladies:

Disgusting. ITV, you are a big, fat, pompously chauvinistic pig. As the shot lingered on the women for all ninety seconds, not one person in the studio said a word ( I think Edgar was still stoned though, so that's his excuse). You could almost hear Chiles lathering up and getting ready to release his man-fat. Somebody should write a letter....even so, send your answers on which one on a postcard, or in the comments section below.

3) Yes, Another 'Most Disturbing Thing This World Cup' Addition:

Ignore the uncomfortable feeling you get whilst you're watching this, as well the desperate aspect of ITV trying to 'capture the World Cup atmosphere', and ask yourself - what insight does this interview bring to me about being a Spanish fan?

Okay, so your team is brilliant - we get that. What's that, you have to win? I think we gathered that by looking at the group table. Ah, you say you have a great side? That's a bit like your first point really, isn't it? Oh, I see, so now you're going to just continue speaking gobbledygook so that we all laugh at the funny foreigners on our screens.

No thanks, piss off to the game, where you'll no doubt ruin some poor bastards match experience by blowing on your ruddy vuvuzelas.

Now, onto the match itself. I was buoyed by the news that Chile had warmed up with a full fifteen minute keepy-uppy session before the game, so I was hoping for a nice fair game of football.

But football is far from fair.

I was amazed at how fluid the Chilean formation was, even more so than their first group game. At some points, their right backs were playing attacking midfield, and the way they kept possession from Spain was mind-bottling. Even how they harried the Spanish off the ball constantly made me yearn for England to play like this on Sunday.

But then it all went pear shaped, coming from something sublime and cocky from David Villa, accompanied by a harsh sending off. At least they're through now though, and they even bought on Rodrigo Millar - who I only mention as he's know as the 'Little Clown' at Colo Colo, and celebrates his goals there by donning a comedy red nose. That's classic Lenny Henry.

Team Of The Group Stages.

Eneyeama

Maicon Kjaer Tulio Coentrao

Sanchez Ayew Ozil Messi

Forlan Villa

Coach: El Diego

World Cup 2010: A Saifi Slap.

2010-06-24T01:50:00.001-07:00

Well, here we go already - the beef is on people, we're all getting wound up nice and tight for Sunday - and this time, the Germans started it first.

When Franz said what he said when he said it, about footballers like he said about England...I've kept really quiet, but I would love it if we beat them on Sunday, absolutely love it.

Oh, hold on, apparently it was all actually a misquote, and what he said was:

"Dummerweise haben die Englander ein bissel gepatzt" which means "England messed up a little."

Cheers English Media, now I have to go back on my excellent 'Love It' speech. And put away my Spitfire.

"That Emile Heskey Is Assed Out!"

As Emile came on in the last minutes of the Slovenia game, the pub I was in became divided - with a bunch of Sixth Formers screaming in anguish, and a load of us older lot praising Fabio's nouse. All of a sudden, it reminded me of all those arguments I've had over Emile being in the England squad (not first eleven, squad) - especially one at a party I went to a few years back, in London.

Now, the lads I was gabbing to were typical Bobby's (aka a British Asian equivalent to a Barry, or a chav if you like). After deriding me for not following either Arsenal, Liverpool or Man United (yes, these are the only teams you're allowed to support if you're a British Asian), we somehow moved onto the topic of Heskey for England.

It didn't take long for the argument to descend into one similar to that one in Clockers, where a bunch of hoppers discuss the merits of Chuck D and hard rap. It seems that Emile will always be looked upon for "not scoring enough" for England, which is a fair point if that was what he's in the team for in the first place.

As they hounded at me like a pack of spikey-haired wolves, laughing at my points and generally making me out to be a tit, I had no option but to leave the pack and sulk in a corner with my Southern Comfort and lemonade - thinking that only me, Capello, Eriksson and Martin O' Neill knew what we were on about.

Really, In A World Cup Semi?

Yes, this time round we will be witnessing a semi final featuring either Uruguay, U.S.A., South Korea or Ghana. I've been partial to Underdog Syndrome many times before (Iran and England, come on), but this is just silly. One of these teams winning the World Cup would just be a re-enactment of Euro 2004, and nobody really remembers owt that went on that year.

Do we all want to be in the pub in 2016, mulling over our pints at what great passages of play the Yanks produced, or how dramatic the South Koreans made the 2010 World Cup? Do we, really? I honestly don't think anybody I know has taken the slightest interest in the teams mentioned, up until now, whereas we all know how good the Spanish, Argies and Brazil are. Jesus wept.

And just because France and Italy have crashed out, whilst Japan, South Korea and the Yanks have progressed, this does not mean there is a New World Order in football. It's like the Magic Of The FA Cup, with a top team going on to win it in the end anyway - these guys are just filling up our time until the proper teams come along.

Best React Quote.

This has got to go to 'The English Nassir Jones' - Klashnekoff.

Yes, the man behind those gentile lyrics "K, lash ya rasclat neck off...stab the beat with a dagger, the Hackney hack attacker."

After the Italy game, as those chiseled footballers let it all out on the pitch and begged for the football Gods to strike them down after a humiliating campaign, the London MC summed it all up brilliantly in one short, but sweet, sentence.

"1 mans crying with hes hands on hes face. Vexed."

He's right, I'd be vexed if England had only really started playing how they can play for the last twenty minutes of our last group game. Okay, we weren't that far off in the end, but still.

As a side note, why were the Italians and the English the most scared players at this World Cup? You could actually feel their nerves through the tele - let's just blame it on The Media.

Female Journo Has A Cry.

I have to say, I'm with Rafik Saifi on this one. You've just been knocked out of the World Cup with a 91st minute goal from a guy with a forehead the size of a football. All you can think about is how disappointed you are, how you've let your family, friends and country down (how many of us truly know how that feels?!) and the amount of stick you're going to get when you get in. Then some journo, who really has no idea how you're feeling at this time, comes poking their Algerian nose into your personal space. I think a dismissive hand gesture isn't the worst thing you could do there, and if it takes the form of a slap, well that's just your own fault for getting too near me in the first place.

Best Non-Footballing Poster.

Let's not forget the old Tory poster from this past campaign:

And now I'm going to have ten year old kids having a pop at me because their Chewits have gone up in price. Cheers politics.

Last Great Dane.

As the Danes pack up their bacon sarnies and head home, I can't help but wonder when the last great Danish player had come about. We all know the Laudrup's were the a little bit, but the country has been churning out a host of mediocre players for the best part of twenty years.

Poulsen. Rommedahl. Gronkjaer. Helveg. Jorgensen.

And that's only the start. Possibly their best player has been their goalie, Schmeichel.

Let's just hope that the likes of Eriksen and Kjaer can bring some much needed light to this dark doldrum of a once great footballing nation.

Okay, I May Have Been A Bit Harsh.

Yes, Keisuke Honda seems to have stepped it up in the last two games, and in turn as made me look like a right mug. Just as I had tipped the Italians to get to the final this year (them and the Argies, so I'm not a complete fool), I had called this lad over-rated.

(Come on, I couldn't resist putting this pic up in a Honda-themed post)

So, it seems I can add Honda to the list of Things I've Got Wrong. He's up there with my predictions on the career of the Spice Girls ("be around for a month, max"), Lil' Wayne's hip hop credentials (I'm told he's been the main 'player' in the 'game' for a while now), the movie The Descent (yes, it is very good after watching it the second time) and Danny Baker (who, in real life, is very funny and generally nice).

Dream Team For Next Season?

Well, it won't be Valencia, that's for sure. After losing Villa, and Silva looking on his way, old Barca have sneaked underneath the radar to add yet another up-and-coming star to their ranks - Juan Mata. Yes, their team will be playing like silly buggers next season - especially when this young lad can do this in front of the whole Spanish squad in warm up, leaving them all with their heads in their hands.

World Cup 2010: An Industrious Rock.

2010-06-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I finally realised that I am a moron. A footballing moron.

A bit of background to my realisation - due to unforeseen circumstances, my life seems to have got in the way of the World Cup. My fiance's parents and my own, have called a 'meet' of the Five Families for Sunday 27th June, 2010.

I know. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as the second half started in the England v Algeria game. After a few days of convincing myself that a 2-0 win wasn't entirely beyond England (against Slovenia - this is how far we've come as England fans), I was beginning to believe the hype throughout the Slovenia match.

What a great comeback to form. The best game Steven Gerrard has ever had for England. Defoe making us look like all those years crossing the ball between defender and goalkeeper were worth it. Lampard getting into the box, even if it took the team fifteen minutes of awfullness to get him there. My god, even the ramshackle display by Upson (okay, apart from that tackle) had not taken the shine off the result.

But then Rooney hits the post. Defoe misses a great chance. Joe Cole comes on to no effect. Terry leaps like a limp fish out of water for a lost ball.

Yes, my worst nightmare (my worst one, yeah) has come true. I am now going to miss the first competitive England match in my lifetime. And it's against Germany. I'm sure there's plenty of fathers and 'professionals' out there who've missed a few. But this is my first, and as they say - 'the first cut shall be deepest'.

So, as we missed our chance to top the group and give ourselves the chance of the easiest route to a World Cup final in twenty odd years, I felt my manhood slip away throughout the ninety minutes. For an awful, selfish second of my life, I thought;

"Well, if I can't watch it, nobody should."

And I thought of a loss for England making my life that little bit easier. Yes, I am thinking exactly what you're thinking, and hate mail can be directed to my comments box below the post.

But, as I said; I am a moron.

I'm sort of like the people who have houses like these:

Or get in the local paper doing things like this:

Or simply, be like people who will England to lose, just so that they don't have to sit with a cold cup of tea in their hands, wearing a fixed-on smile and having their alien wedding ceremonies dictated to them from families that are doing it because they 'love' their kids (when really, they're doing it to grasp hold of some power and tradition over the life of a child who seems to have inexplicably moved on).

Yes, I am still bitter. And for that reason I will bullet point anything I thought was interesting since I've been away.

1) North Korea are well shit. And Portugal to win it. No, but to be absolutely fair, isn't this what happens when 'weaker' teams don't park the bus in front of goal? Who needs a 7-0 defeat to take back to Dear Leader?

2) Is Kleberson really a better addition to the Brazil squad than Ganso, or even Neymar? Now that Kaka is out for a game (not to say off form) and Elano not looking like he can carry the weight with that Cirque de Robinho, surely another attacking midfielder would have been a good shout?

3) Italy are like the latter day career of Chris Nolan. With a surprising re-boot of an old franchise in the last World Cup, it seems that they're going to flatter to deceive, like Nolan's latest movie.

4) I really hope Fabio Coentrao isn't another another Paulo Ferreira or Paul Parker, I want this lad to play left wing for Everton for a season and then move to Man City, where he can make a lethal combination with Andy Johnson.

5) Stuff like this gives me hope for football discussions worldwide.

6) I think someone like Regi Blinker would be a a better winger in the World Cup, than in the Premier League of the 1990's. This is the same Regi, who is now a magazine publisher - weird huh?

7) I've always had a pop at a centre back choosing to pass sixty yards rather than set up play from the back, but that comes from watching England too much. I do fancy that Kjaer to carry on the tradition though, and hopefully make me love those diagonal passes.

8) Is Marcelo Bielsa really the most attacking coach in world and, as the BBC would have it, does he really "scrutinize every possible football game he can"? I'm not sure if that's possible to prove, although Chile still look pretty to look at.

9) My favourite quote in ages, adding to my already large respect for Zlatan:

(To a female reporter, after being asked if he's 'well gay' with Gerard Pique)

"Come to my house and you'll see if I'm gay. And bring your sister."

10) Kun Aguero loves to grind an angle toward goal. He'd be the perfect proto-type for Pro Evolution 3D.

11) Val Kilmer is opening a B&B. Wow.

12) Gabby does it once more with a great piece on wha' gwanin' in this World Cup.

13) Martin Demichelis is an amazing centre-back to watch. If you stare at him for around five minutes, it seems that he feels the pressure of you looking at him constantly, and then always kiffs up on the pitch. Brilliant.

14) Andre Ayew has been a rock for Ghana in every group game of this tournament. An industrious, skillful rock that wears bright red boots, that is.

15) Javier Pastore looking like a eventful young fellow when he came on for the Argies. New Kaka anyone?

16) Georgie Thompson murks her co-presenter. "You, horror." Urgh.

17) It seems that Lionel has a passion for Noel and Liam. But in the right way.

18) Man City's new lad, Jerome Boateng, looked up for it in the Germany v Ghana game. But for me, he didn't 'let his feet do the talking'. Nice beef with his brother though.

19) One for all you ball geeks out there, I know you love it. Sod the Jubalani.

20) Oh, and isn't Cacau simply a good Carlton Cole?

World Cup 2010: Half-Time With ED-209.

2010-06-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

They say that the city is full of a million stories. Well, Langold may not be a city, but boy does it have stories?

Yes, yes it does. As I watched a father and son picking out sweets after home-time, my ears pricked up when the young lad asked his dad about when England last won the World Cup. The dad, dressed in a sharp suit and with overly-slick hair posed a question to his son - "when do you think we won it?"

The boy, tilting his head to one side and smiling, said "five years ago?" Grinning, the father kept up the act. However, after three or so fruitless attempts to get the answer on his own, the father helped his son the best way he thought possible.

"If I say we won it forty four years ago, what year would that be?"

Right, now I was fully enthralled in this interaction - the dad seemed to have turned such a sweet and innocent football conversation into some sort of impromptu maths lesson. Needless to say, his son went all the way through the '60's and '70's - except for the date in question.

The only redeeming feature for me was the frustration building up in the dad's voice. I could imagine him being the same in the office, so I stared at him intently to see if he'd break. He'd made this rod for his own back, but seemed to have too much pride to back down - and now he was squirming with angst. Brilliant.

Eventually he told his son the date, not noticing that the boy's initial childish curiosity had now been replaced with a frustrating lack of sweets and a hot head. I think he knows it would've been better off just telling him it was 1966 from the off.

Media Watch.

Another reason to like Diego - he hates the French as much as we do. I mean 'we' in the 'caught up in the World Cup stereotype hysteria' sense, of course. But I reckon Platini deserved a good verbal kicking, he thinks he's too nice blad. And using the insult "go back to the museum" is so gangsta in it's own way, but it adds a little spice when saying it to Pele.

Also, Sol Campbell's got some balls hasn't he? Having a pop at Fabio are we son? Well, the only good thing about you is the excitement you bring to crowds at every half-time nowadays, as we all can't wait for that moment when you get a cab home again.

Oh, and Guillem does it again. Brilliant article on how Spain will react to the Swiss loss.

Finally, even though it's been done a million times, I still find stuff like this funny. Sorry.

Nigeria Press The Red Button.

Not the one to go all 'interactive', the one to implode on a football field. Although it became easily the most dramatic game of the World Cup so far, I don't think I've seen a team kick itself so hard as Nigeria managed to do. What a bunch of wally's.

With a 1-0 lead, that seemed to come from a Odemwingie dummyed header (first time for everything I suppose) they had full control of the match. Yes, both sides had the most static midfields I've ever seen play, with nobody running for a forward pass, but Nigeria had control of the game.

At this point, the only entertaining thing was remembering that Nigerian player losing control of his left eye as he tried to wink at the camera during the national anthem, but all he managed to do was leave me thinking that he had some sort of tragic facial tick.

Then along comes Sani Kaita.

The thing about the kick he gave to Torosidis was how quickly and naturally it came to Kaita. To him, it seemed such normal response to being mildly pushed, that he re-enacted his exact leg action to the ref. That's not going to get you off mate, you'd be very, very lucky if the ref has the same warped approach to casual violence as you have Sani.

Anywho, the game was all the better for it. Shots galore, another keeping blunder (that damn Jubalani) and end to end footer made for a quick day at work.

Keeganville.

Well, it seems that the Argies are taking no time at all to bed now in South Africa. True, they needed an own goal from a South Korean player with an IQ of 150 (which had shades of my own O.G. in a house tournament at Wales High School - but like Chu Yung Park, I was very unlucky) - but they look delicious going forward. So much so, that all those memories of that 1995-1996 Premiership season came flooding back.

What a great football season for any boy of fifteen to witness. I mean, Asprilla is the only reason I wore gloves on the pitch that winter. El Diego's team shares a lot of likeness' to that of Keegan's Barmy Bloody Army, including full backs of the same quality (Gutierrez and John Beresford...they're the same defensively, anyway) and a splattering of 'tricky' players (Ginola and Di Maria).

But did Keegan win the league? No.

But then, he didn't have Leo Messi and Carlos Tevez. He had a temperamental (okay, simply mental) Asprilla, an ageing Beardsley and Big Les upfront. Not the same really, is it?

Bar the standard 'I hate the Argies, the cheating, filthy, greasy bastards' attitude that I've bought into, being an England fan and all that, I would absolutely love to see football like this winning something on the international stage in my lifetime. I think someone like Sly Stallone would call it 'no holds barred' football, I call it 'make me scream a little bit louder' football. Let's be honest, the Argies have yet again scored one of the most memorable goals of a World Cup with their fourth (Messi's dink = wow wee), and El Pipita's hattrick probably made Jose put the cheque book down. For a second, at least.

World Cup Controversy.

Or so the U.S.A. thinks so, anyway. It seems that whilst we were all sleeping, two continents swapped places. Probably cus they was bored or summit.

That's more than controversy my Yankee friend - that's a seismic shift in the Earth. Surely a news item worthy of going in at 8am, not 8.05am.

The France Match, Ya Get Me?

1) More important than anything else, the atmosphere was quality. The ebbing and flowing of the crowd, with a dash of vuvu-violence sounds great after all this time.

2) Well, what do you expect when you get a Saudi ref? He was stupidly restrictive to the match, even 'taking the biscuit' when making a player roll down his sleeves. I'd like to see him tell Jairzinho to pull up his socks. VIVA IRAN!

3) The announcer at half time made me spit out my Vienetta, with his bellowing robotic voice swarming the living room. Instantly I thought of ED-209, and how I'd always wondered what those spare machines were used for now. It was this, and voicing all the bad guys in Red Dwarf (i.e. a funny looking, but militant, polymorph sentinal, with a red eye, boards Star Bug and eventually gets killed with a Bazookoid).

4) It looks as if William Gallas is slowly retreating into his shell of retirement and Middle Eastern football. It seems as there's not much left of that pacey defender, who had great balance and timing. In short, Gallas is no more.

5) Spotted Wenger at the match as he commentated in a funny language. He looked like he'd gone all Clockwork Orange on a South African tramp, and was now wearing his entire wardrobe - all with an air of Hogwarts about him.

6) Mark Bright. Brighty. Brightside. Bright-O. All through his career, the man has been riding an Irish horse named Lucky, whilst popping in on a Ms. Lady Luck in a town called Luckville, where they all support Lucky United. He just consists of unbelievably limited knowledge, blinkered insight into anything outside the British game of football, and an overall weird, minstrel charm that smells like the BBC.

But, to me, he stills looks like a younger version of Ice Cube's dad in Friday.

7) That Mexican left back, Salcido, was a 'triumph' in this match, an incisive type of fellow, he even gave us an over-head bicycle kicked clearance. Lovely stuff.

8) France lost. Domenech was so moody he wouldn't put another attacker on. My pre-tournament prediction of Mexico topping Group A still looks on. Good times.

NB - If Uruguay meet Argentina in the next round, then shit is on people.

World Cup 2010: Overmars Lives On.

2010-06-16T02:34:00.000-07:00

First football-related story I heard this morning, was the disturbing news that Puff Daddy (you're momma called you Puffy, I'm gonna call you Puffy) is thinking of venturing into the world of football.

It's a good job there were some cracking games to take my mind off the fact that someone, somewhere in the footballing world, will soon be hearing the whole 'Biggie Remixes' album at half time.

The Spaniards.

I knew I was in for a treat as soon as I heard that Ian Esta was playing, and it was confirmed when I saw Cesc's beard. Not up there will El Diego's just yet, but he has time.

Unfortunately, my initial excitement was pissed upon when I saw that there was one up front. Then, no Jesus Navas. Oh, and Sergio Buckets starting - making it three centre midfielders who all do the same job.

But, rallied on by the Swiss fan banging his groin against a massive cow bell, I continued to watch the game whilst on the till counter in the shop.

How many Barry teenagers and fat lorry drivers I banged on about the importance of Navas to? I lost count.

Turns out, the game somehow became the clone of Arsenal versus Stoke, or more Barca versus Chelsea. Spain, not once launching a single corner into the box, and having Ian Esta battered all over the shop, starting taking it to them once Navas came on. But that doesn't hide the fact that Puyol can be made to look like a mug by any young starlet latching onto a one-two pass. Or a long ball for that matter.

Switzerland's usual neutral stance paid off, with the type of bundled goal I thrive on seeing in the lower leagues. Nice to see there's a place for those types of goals at this World Cup as well, it truly is diverse. And Hakan Yakin still plays?! Who'd have thought the Swiss Rui Costa was still a force in that midfield?

The Spanish will learn their lesson, but the fact that there was some drama at last, just makes me think we've truly reached the proper kick-off of this tournament.

Diego Who?

Forlan. That's who. This is what he made me fink, like.

1) Forlan's first goal was a right little treat, and me Dad, almost immediately as the ball crossed the line from that smash, made the muted statement:

"Goal of the tournament. So far."

Eduardo Galeano would be proud.

2) Suarez, the little pudgy cherub, made the most of it, didn't he? But, it's always going to be a pen (therefore a red), just like it's always going to be risky thinking that Nas will make an album with DJ Premier. It will just leave you disappointed mate.

3) It seems that South Africa's Whigfield (Tshabalala, my first blog, duh?!) had been drinking his own Kool Aid (thanks Jambo). Always trying too hard, holding onto the ball for too long, and generally being a greedy guts. Just because you scored a bosher in the opening game doesn't mean you can act like a mongol now.

4) What a shame about Lodeiro. I would've loved seeing that young lad play in this game, he could've shown us all that 'hype' that he carries around with him.

5) Now what? Well, what us neutrals can look forward to is the fact that France now have to show up in their next game. If they do, we're in for a great game against Me-he-ho. If they don't, then the French may already be on their way home. That's what us British Asians call a 'vin vin'.

6) South Africa are probably out = more singing at these games?

7) Why is Edinson Cavani rated so highly? Seemed par for the course to me.

8) Another misheard name, another little giggle emerging from my tummy. I kept calling Dikgacoi, 'Rick Astley'. I laughed, anyway.

Round Two Franz, Round Two.

Typical Fabio, side-stepping the childish remarks of Franz. But, if I'm honest...I wish the Germans were scared of us. Does that country even know 'fear'?

Cross-Come-Shot Furore.

It seems the Maicon cross-come-shot story has legs, so let me address it one more time. After being picked up on my last post saying it was definitely a cross, let me make this clear:

It was a certain genre of The Cross, the bastard son if you like - the Cross-Come-Shot. Noted for its 'sitting on the fence' quality in an argument, it seems to suit this scenario.

First of all, it was a toe-peck, not an outside of the boot hit. And we all know the nature of the toe peck - it can go anywhere, and you always lied when you did one on the tennis courts at school. So therefore even young lads don't want to be tainted with the 'Toe Peck Brush'.

Second, let me just put it out there that I put Maicon as one of my favourite players of the last season months ago, so there's nothing I'd like more than to see him up there with the Carlos Alberto's of this world (okay, there is a lot more I'd like - but the phrase sits here nicely) - but there's no point giving him all this praise, not when he can score better goals and this is just wasting his time.

Anyway, as I can't be arsed to write on this anymore, I think my response to a football brainiac friend of mine, tells my side best:

"I actually said it was a 'cross-come-shot'. That's a breed of it's own mate - running at pace, a bit of worry about his balance and looking into the box, I firmly believe he hit it and hoped. We've all done it, no shame in it - just cus it swerved (rounder ball and all that) doesn't make it genius. Or a shot. Also, just cus he's done it before in a nonsense argument. PLUS: to spot the keeper off his line with your prephiral vision, at that pace, would make you a jet pilot. Not a full back."

(Oh, how awful one's grammar becomes when one is social networking, tut tut).

Punditry.

Look's like TV pundits are having a hard time at the moment, especially after Mr. Ragga Muffin got kicked off the ITV gravy train. But if it wasn't for them, who would we fill the gaps inbetween the games with? Adverts? No thanks, give me ignorant and ill-founded punditry every time.

Mind you, 'us' bloggers aren't exactly doing too well. Again, hate to 'blog' a blog, but I will - because this effects all of 'us' pious, arrogant and thick blogger types.

Mind Thoughts On Chilli.

1) Alexis Sanchez. Well, anyone with the first name of a stripper would win the ITV Viewer's Man Of The Match. But hold on...yep, this lad can actually play. He seems like a cross between Robinho and Overmars, but a bit rough around the edges.

Now, anyone worth their salt in any RPG football manager game would know that he's been tagged a 'wonderkid' since he was fifteen. But it's good to see their young wippersnapper scouts got it right this time, and the lad seems to have introduced himself to the beady-eyed scouts across the world.

2) If the game had been as boring as many I've already seen this World Cup, I probably would've made more of a 'hoo haa' over that Alvarez for Honduras. I thought he'd played at Roma as a full back, but now he's a bit like N'Zogbia in his work rate, but showed glimpses of skill, like Joe Cole in his West Ham days.

3) Chile, sporting a 3-3-1-3 formation, seem to have a team of lynch-pins. I've been banging on about Matty Fernandez ever since I saw him pulling some strings at the Nou Camp, for Villarreal. But they also have Vidal (who, for some mad reason, was playing LCM, rather than CM) and Valdivia, who was pushed up front this game, but did a job. Good boy.

4) I wonder what they've been told in the dressing room beforehand? They had so many players in the box when attacking! Almost every side they've seen so far has been too scared to go for a win, but none of it rubbed off on them - fair play, I'm always gone like a team that does that. But not in a Keegan sense, that was just silly.

5) At least we've had to wait for Matchday Five to see the first awful referee at the tournament. He seemed to be going mad before our eyes.

6) I was upset that, just as I had made a claim that Chile seemed like dark horses, 5Live were spouting the exact same statements. Great, now I look like a football trivia sheep.

Timely Apology.

Good to see people are realising that the Premier League isn't the Be All and End All for players, especially a journo. Henry Winter has come out and said sorry for all the stick that Forlan received from him at Man United. Let's hope that the generic fan in England will get over it so professionally, without using the age-old tag "well, the Spanish League is easier to play in, for a striker. I'd score a ton there." Course you would sweetheart, course you could.

Nice one Hezzer.

World Cup 2010: "My Name Is My Name."

2010-06-15T00:51:00.000-07:00

"Boooooooooooooring."

That's what we've been hearing a lot of in this World Cup. With only a handful of goals, South Africa and New Zealand providing the only real drama, and almost every top seed disappointing, I'm guessing that most people would rather watch the proverbial paint dry (or alternatively watch Christ being cooked slowly over a three day period).

I'm just hoping that each team was given a limited number of 'Football Drama Tokens' before the tournament, and most have opted to use them for the latter stages - so expect some right old punch ups, goals from the sky, boots being used as weapons, and bundles of 98th minute 'wonder strikes' in the coming rounds.

Sarcky Pele.

Check out Pele having a right pop at El Diego, making himself out to be the Robin Williams to El Diego's Matt Damon (a la Good Will Hunting).

"Look, I'm trying to help you El Diego, but you need to help yourself first."

Because of Pele's sarcky comments making El Diego out to be a domeless wonderboy, I'd now much rather prefer to see the Argentine pibe jutting his beardy chin out all over touchlines at this World Cup - I've got your back mate, and whilst I'm at it, I've got yours as well Alan Moore (f**k the Gorillaz).

Rather that, than Pele walking around town, constantly referring to himself in the third person and making outlandish predictions like "the English game is all about looking after the ball" or "the game of football will win an Oscar by 2014".

Awful Status Update.
Look at this and weep:
"Brazil's got it inda bag bruv. there unbeatable there da best, there gonna win the world cup."
And this is from an English girl. Where do I start?

Wild Claim(s) Of The Day.

Winston Reid to be playing in the Premier League next season, for either Blackpool or Everton. Okay, so that's not that wild...how about Marek Hamsik to star in the first ever Slovak Manga movie?

Poor Ol' Robbie Earle.

Tut tut tut, what will we do without the smooth Ragga Muffin on our box sets for the rest of the World Cup? Come on ITV, surprise us - my bet is on James Corden pimping his fat belly (again) for a seat next to Andy 'The Trumpet' Townsend.

Another World Cup Legend Puts The Boot In.

Yes Franz, we all know that the way England play "has very little to do with football", but what we don't need is someone like you telling us. Let's be fair, you're also the twat who didn't know who Steven Gerrard was - not until he smashed one in against you in that Legendary Five One Win.

Interesting Fact(s).

That Felipe Melo is a MASSIVE Gary Lineker fan. Weird, huh? Oh, and that Riquelme could be joining West Ham - not really a fact, I know, but it had to go somewhere. Have they not learnt from the whole Paulo Futre debacle?

Oh, and did you know that the Budesliga had a full twelve months playing with this notorious new ball? Cheats.

Brazil Stanfield.

Thoughts? Here you go:

1) Maicon's goal was definitely a cross, and that's exactly what I was, when Clive Tyldesley said that Maicon had just "done what only a Brazilian can do". Clive, come down to the park with me and you'll see dozens of cross-come-shots. But no good football.

And then, when picked up on it, he desperately tried to back up his claim by whimpering "yes, but I bet half a million people at home are saying he meant that." No Clive, only five. And they're morons.

2) Robinho's pass to Elano for the second goal had Barca written all over it - are you watching Rosell?

3) I was distressed to see Dunga sporting my jumper from my third year in university, but I mentioned him dressing badly before, so I had been warned.

I think Barney Ronay (one of the most underrated journo's out there me thinks) summed him up best by describing Dunga as looking like "an anxious skipper of a shark fishing boat on his first ever trip to a gay night club." Spot on.

4) They call him 'The People's Rooney', and I wish ours showed this much passion during the national anthem.

What a lej, it's what all good World Cup folklore is about.

5) Oh, did anyone hear the drums break through the boring drone of the vuvuzela's in this match? Thank god, this is the end, beautiful friend.

6) ITV's worried analysis of the Brazilian bench showed all their flaws at once. Chris Coleman thought that they lacked any attacking prowess. Okay, so this guy, that guy, and the other guy are shit then, basically. Idiota.

7) After initially mishearing the name Ji Yu-Nam, I became really annoying and kept screaming out "Cheese And Ham!" every time he got the ball. Then he went and bloody scored, so needless to say I had the last laugh.

8) Brazil don't need to fret about what their critics think about them - like Marlo Stanfield once said, "my name is my name", and Brazil are Brazil.

Ivorian / Portuguese Thoughts.

1) Crissy Ronaldo - one game, one awful dive. And we're off.

2) ITV playing a Ronaldo montage to a James Brown soundtrack - the Godfather of Soul somehow merging with a fella who has none. Well done tele, you spackers.

3) Still on Crissy (come on, you knew it would be this way), why does he do that awfully over-dramatic puffing of the cheeks before he proceeds to take a god-awful forty yard free kick? If you're not careful Crissy, you're going to become Roberto Carlos. But without any of the nice attributes that he had.

4) Deco is now officially a recluse when it comes to football, the only reason he stays on the pitch is because Carlos Queiroz is great admirer of anyone who has a face like a teddy bear.

5) That Siaka Tiene and Kouassi Gervinho both had good games, but will they stick around long enough to secure themselves that summer transfer to a top club?

6) If Sven has the Ivory Coast keeping the ball for longer than ten seconds, what does that say about his time as England boss? I firmly remember him getting stick for playing kick and rush football, as is Capello now, but then why has his management style changed so dramatically all of a sudden? Exactly, it was the players - it always has been the rule that we can pass it sixty yards, but not six.

7) Also, ITV continued to berate the bloke for playing negatively in their first group game, and likened it to how he made England negative as well. Hold on, didn't Ivory Coast lose their first two group games in the last World Cup, therefore crashing out within 180 minutes of football? No wonder he's keeping it tight, he actually wants a chance of getting through the group this time you knobheads. If he kept it wide open then they'd probably lose 3-0 and we'd see that horrible little Crissy score a hat trick - who wants that?!

8) Easily the Second Most Passionate National Anthem Singer Award goes to Portuguese keeper Eduardo - what a belter! Made Tony Adams look like a pussy.

Tweet Of The Day.

The Real Ronaldo gave us this nougat of Brazilian flair after Elano's goal:

"vamossssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! vou errar so os autores dos gols !!!!!!!"

World Cup 2010: Bench Full O' Talent.

2010-06-14T03:33:00.000-07:00

Tim Cahill.

Tim 'Yes, I Have Played For Samoa - But Only Once' Cahill.

That's the first person I thought about this morning, which did leave me slightly worried, but I went with it. All I could see was his face struggling to hold back those tears, and how it made me think of that time my mum caught me finishing a whole industrial-sized box of '94-'95 Panini Premier League stickers. It's like fully realizing what you've just done, and the full weight of the consequences come crashing down on you.

Sure, I felt sad for him, but laughed at him all the same - a little bit like how I feel watching a modern Bollywood film. Which is a damn sight more heartfelt than any typical German felt for Cahill - take Rafael Honigstein for an example. His exact response to the Cahill's sending off?

"Watch it again. No slip, no push, no excuse."

That not bad enough? He followed up with this gem.

"One foot + late = yellow. Two feet + late + from behind + no chance to get the ball = red."

Your heart is made of wax Rafa, of wax.

Best Pun.

By the Pun-meister General, James Richardson, when debating the Japan v Cameroon game, he said "I wonder if it's hard to 'Beat' Takeshi....Okada?" One for all the cinephile's out there.

Tackles To Make You Cringe.

Every game today has had at least one awful tackle, worthy of making any Leeds fan heart fill with pride. Cue my 'Dirtiest World Cup Ever' claim to come true.

Things I Thunk About The Japan Match And That.

1) Next season, Steve McLaren will find he has a pretty tidy midfielder in Makoto Hasebe, who did his really boring job really well.

2) Fair play to 'Beat' Takeshi for sticking to his moody guns, as the Beeb's Lawro persisted in berating the lad for not still being in the throws of celebration - five minutes after Japan had scored. It's been five minutes Mark, if Fabio was still celebrating five minutes after we'd scored, I'd think we'd have gotten a mad man in charge.

Lawro even described 'Beat' as being so moody that he looked like he was "walking in the city after selling some shares" and then, after seeing the replay of 'Beat' celebrating at the moment of scoring, kept on his racist tangent by being so sarcastic that I wanted to smack the tele.

3) That Honda is seriously not that good, and it's not down to the service, he's just not impressed in the full two games I've seen him in - so that makes me an expert. He's as good as that Ziani. Next Big Things my arse, they've just got good PR people.

4) I find watching the Japanese play is ultimately more enjoyable if you listen to Marco Polo's 'Port Authority' album at the same time. Those beats, their hairstyles and two lines of four at the back make for a perfect mix.

5) I think the Japanese back line would have had a much harder time if Vince Aboubakar got a chance to come on, and if Sammy 'One Of My Top 3 Favourite Strikers' Eto'o played up front. I know coaches are scared not to lose in the first game, but why is young talent like Eriksen, Adiyiah, Elia and Aboubakar consigned to fifteen minute appearances? The same happened to Ronaldo in 1994, jesus.

6) It's horrible to see such a tragic man like Le Guen on the sidelines looking so lost, yet ernest. He had so much potential, and that Lyon side played some of the best French football I've seen.

The U.S.A. Team's Greatest Enemy?

Their newspaper editors.

Our Worst Enemy.

Talksport. I heard someone on there today say:

"Germany are much more free flowing now, because they have a much more multicultural society now."

Where do you start with that? How come we're so rigid then? Was German society so robotic in the 1990's? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Punditry.

As Patrick Viera's head becomes more and more like a peanut resting in a spoon, Mr. Davids continues to look cooler and even more stoned.

After describing the Dutch team's first half display as "like reading a book - predictable", I can only say to Edgar that, although you look cool mate, you need to clear out your library and get some Cormac McCarthy up in the mix.

Useless, But Nevertheless Interesting Knowledge Of The Day.

As Henry Winter sat Twittering away in South Africa, he came across some interesting news about Ryan 'Jiggy' Giggs' eyesight. It seems he's been playing on the left wing for so long now, that his left-sided peripheral vision has decided to shut down and he needs to re-align his eyes if he's to play more central next season. I wonder if he's had problems crossing the road...what am I on about, players are so rich now that they have big, wide men to carry them over roads, crossing, streams and rivers.

Well, I thought it was interesting anyway.

Team Talks Summed Up In A Funny Dance.

I can honestly watch this over and over, especially at how nonplussed the Danish team look.

Things I Thunk About The Dutch Match And That.

1) The Netherlands have the best 'impact' players off the bench in this World Cup. I mean, look at this:

Ridiculous. Eljero Elia looks quality (even if he likes a racist live video stream now and again, but who doesn't?), so expect someone like Liverpool or Valencia to snap him up soon as. Alongside him they have Afellay, who I've heard so many good things about (and remember him hitting a right bosher in the Euro's), and Ryan Babel...who they will use in the right way, unlike Mr. Benitez.

2) I actually want Elia to be good, because it gives me an excuse to buy a FC Hamburg shirt for my trip to there this August. So come on laddy, do a goal!

3) That centre back Kjaer should definitely move to Man United, as he's cloned out of the same footballing mould of Rio Ferdinand. Tap the ball forward a few yards, pretend to look comfortable on it, and end up launching sixty yards to a winger or a big man. Pathetic.

4) The Dutch should play one or the other - Van Der Vaart or Sneijder. I think we all know which one we'd opt for, as Rafael seems like a bit of a dick and plays in a greedy manner (a little bit like me in 5-a-side Power League).

5) When will Denmark stop living up to their 'We're Simply Making Up The Numbers' tag that I've just given them?

Vuvu Notes.

So, the horns are here to stay. I get it, but just a quick point - this is a quote from a South African on how the vuvuzela is Africa's great hope for people remembering this World Cup:

"I feel like an African when I blow the vuvuzela."

How awful is it that? A nation's pride and identity lies in an object that makes a tuneless sound with no rhythm or emotion. The exact opposite of what Fela Kuti stood for. He'd be gutted right now.

As an example, this video shows the weakness in that argument. People are striving so much to have fun with the constant tooting, that they even try to invent some sort of to-and-fro dancing routine to it. You can't dance to it mate, only bounce up and down like Bez.

And the fact that people actually say "you only hate them, because you don't have on" only makes me want to stick that vuvuzela up their arse and then blow on it. In the nicest way possible.

The Italians.

Bar a poor first half, I still think they're worth a shout for the final - second half and a continental 4-4-2 made them look half decent. That Pepe looks a threat, but other than him they'll need Pirlo and his bushy mane soon as. As the Italians have pretty much the same side that they've had for the past 800 years, I can't think of much more to say about them. Come on, you lot know about football - they're always 'there or there abouts'.

World Cup 2010: The Devil Is A Liar, God Is Great.

2010-06-13T02:14:00.001-07:00

After peeling my face from my pillow on Sunday morning, I got out of bed only to stumble upon something at the foot of it. It seems that, in a drunken haze, I had invented a sort of 'ritual of defiance' towards the English national team.

Bumbling into my room after the game, I must have proceeded to lay out all of my various England shirts and training tops, fold them ever so very neatly into a pile (surprising, considering the state I was in) and then place them into a white carrier bag at the foot of my bed.

What is that meant to say exactly? I know white signifies death in Hindu culture, is that what my warped and peculiar mind was thinking about? Or was I merely reminding myself that I need to sort out my vast and pointless football shirt collection? Either way, what a melodramatic twat I am - all these sombre and ritualistic actions coming after just one game.

Like any self-serving England fan, I made myself feel better listening to Three Lions and England's Irie, whilst having my toast and Anadin Extra.

Gypo Green.

With the onslaught of footballing media today, I find it slightly strange that people are dissecting Rob Green's blunder to such an extent - why did he do it? how did he manage it? has he a past history of doing similarly terrible things? To me, all these questions liken him to someone like Rose West, but to be fair the only thing he's really done wrong in my eyes is look like a traveling gypsy who's been taken in by a family of farmers and now works with the pigs for some extra cash. Well, that's what I think of him, anyway.

Things I Need To Grow Out Of Doing In Public.

Over the years, I seem to have acquired a knack of marching ten yards towards the big screen in the pub whenever England advance on the opposition goal. Not only is this annoying for others, it also gives the impression that I'm going to lamp the screen if we score. I'm not, I'm just an idiot.

Text Timeline.

Looking back at the texts I was getting during the England game, it's obvious that they provide a better insight into the mind of an England fan than any punditry you'll find on the tele.

7.17pm

Jambo: I want to see some hooting fratboy shermans getting trounced.

7.36pm (England 1 USA 0)

Jambo: Right, shut up shop now.

8.05pm

Pete: I've come to the conclusion that Frank Lampard is an extremely average footballer who survives off the fact that he's surrounded by world class players at club level. Why has no one ever noticed this?

8.11pm (England 1 USA 1)

Patch: F**k me.

Jambo: Is it a rule that we have to have keepers who do that?

9.14pm

Pete: Frank Lampard, take a bow. You are shit.

Jambo: Tell me it's going to be okay mate.

9.37pm

Jambo: Heskey playing well, our right back marauding, there's a lot of good there. Although to that the keeper having a howler and you realise how these things happened under McLaren.

Most Optimistic Fans.

Pete also happens to be my Greek football correspondent (where would I be without one of those), and he tells me that Greek fans still believe that the team can go through to the next round of the World Cup - despite a performance that inspired many a 'tragedy' and 'Greeks bearing gifts' headline.

Some Good News.

My phase of becoming 'cheered up' was complete when I heard that Danny Dyer's new film, Pimp (amazing), drew a crowd of just twenty four people this weekend, tallying up a intake of just £205. God is great.

Things Footballers Should Never Do.

Watching the interviews after the England match, it's imperative that players should never, ever look right into the camera and address the viewers. It's like being George Orwell's 1984 novel. I mean, look at this:

He was supposed to reassure us about Robert Green's goalkeeping credentials, instead what went through my mind was:

"Oh good God, he's looking right at me! Why? Terry, look at the man with the microphone! This isn't normal, stop doing that Terry! Stop it!"

And all he really ended up doing is looking helpless and dopey at the same time, with his head full of baby hair and dead eyes.

Wild Claim(s) Of The Day.

That this World Cup will have more extra-time matches than any other World Cup, and will become the dirtiest one that people my age have ever seen (as you know, we all missed those Argentinian 'animals').

Revelation Of The Day (apart from The New Germany).

As I sat down to watch the Real Axis Of Evil game (yes, yes, the Germany v Australia match - I am that petty), I was surprised with my mum popping up with football questions. Thrown by her curiosity, I thought I'd relish the moment and see if I could teach her a thing or two.

Oh how wrong I was.

She asked why there is a man placed in-between the goal posts with gloves on, so I gave her a neat run down on the purpose of a goalkeeper. Yet, she insisted it was hard enough to place the ball in there, without having some able-bodied young fella trying to stop you. Laughing at this, I said it was necessary to make it difficult.

After fifteen minutes of her not seeing the point of the position, I realised that she was actually beating me into submission and proving me wrong. So now I have commissioned a line of T-Shirts to come out (designed by the local grannies in Langold) that state KEEPERS KEEP BACK on the front, and YOU ARE WACK on the back.

Let's look at the positives - the games would be a lot more entertaining, with centre backs crashing over each other in order to clear the ball off the line (I understand this would then quickly turn into a complete joke) and we'd be able to get John Legend and the rest of the U.S.A. on board. Great, hoorah!

Enjoyable Things Of The Day.

1) Again, Clarence Seedorf. Can he be the next James Bond please?

2) Wacky fans, being extra wacky for the sake of being wacky - but almost becoming wanky whilst they're doing it...

The guy has flags for eyes for god's sake. That's some Ju-Ju shit right there.

3) The Serbian and Ghanian keepers having a sweet laugh in the warm up to their first group game. That's what footy's about int it, having a laugh? Well, it should be.

4) FIFA simply being FIFA. No World Cup should have empty seats, and blaming it on the transport doesn't get you off the hook lads. I think most people would've guessed transport would be a major issue in South Africa, so pull your fingers out you mongs.

5) Kwadwo Asamoah. I want the Black Stars to stay in the competition for as long as possible, because I want to keep watching this lad play. He wouldn't look out of place in the Spain midfield (another wild claim, I know), and he's the type of squatty footballer I'd like to see running the midfield at Fulham or Aston Villa. My favourite moment was when he did Lukovic, a little bit like when Stevie G did Didi Hamman in 2001. But not as good.

6) Serbia's cheeky set-pieces, they've obviously been watching Sheffield United tapes from a few years back.

7) Faouzi Chaouchi's hairstyle and general attitude. Apparently the Algerian keeper nutted a referee and got away with a three match ban. It seems that if you look like Paddy Considine in A Room For Romeo Brass you can get away with anything at FIFA.

8) Kevin-Prince Boateng's arrogance on the field. He'll come unstuck, just watch - heed the words of the German Under 19's coach:

"At senior level, Kevin will have to wean himself off the world of fantasy football."

Instead he got a tattoo of a crown on his neck. Yes, well done, we get it - you have a royally-themed name. Now kick the ball into a bloody goal you twit.

9) Nadir Belhadj bringing back low socks. But you've got to be some player to really pull that look off.

10) ITV maintaining their consistent form of awful broadcasting, as they showed no formation line-ups for the Germany game. Not everyone has a football-shaped brain Mr. ITV Man, so please can you tell us how the teams will play - even if, according to you, it is 4-4-2 no matter what. I never knew that the Pig Climber was to be playing centre midfield.

11) Dejan Stankovic having the shiftiest eyes in world football. He looks like the shifty-eyed dog in The Simpsons every time he takes a free kick.

12) Gabriel Clarke's squinting eyes finally disappearing into his rat face, as he corresponds from the England camp. At last.

Tweet Of The Day.

"The devil is a LIAR!!! GOD IS THE GREATEST!!!! Spread the word." - Puff Daddy.

I think people got the jist of that comparison a few hundred years ago Puffy, but you should really talk to Lee Young-Pyo. You'd get on.

Only kidding, the real best Tweet was from my man Marcotti:

"I swear Udinese is the supermarket at this World Cup, including Sanchez, Inler, Asamoah, Pepe, Handanovic, Isla, Badu, Lukovic."

Kit Talk.

Have Slovenia bought Charlie Brown in to consult them on their kit design? It's awful I tell you, awful.

A Day For Pro Evo Memories.

All the memories of lost finals, doomed promotion bids and securing key transfers in mine and Si's Master League history came rushing back to me today, for two key reasons:

a) Valter Birsa. Cheap as chips and able to play anywhere in midfield or upfront, this lad was a First Season Must Buy - I loved it when he let a bosher go against Algeria, pity old doofus brain saved it.

b) Per 'The Sack Man' Mertesacker. Young and absolutely massive. The two things we always looked for in a defender. He always paired up with Lucio and one other in the back three. Oh yes, we played a back three.

I would also add Lukas Podolski to this list, but I personally think he didn't perform to the best of his ability. A bit like his actual real life club career, weird huh?

A Referee Ruining The Game.

The referee ruling over the Serbia v Ghana game thinks he's too nice. Before the teams are even out on the pitch he's looking so smug you want to smack him, and then he goes and picks up the game ball and kisses it - who are you mate?! Apparently, it's his last appearance as referee at a World Cup, so I suppose he's making the best of it. Still shouldn't be done though.

And a special mention goes to the referee of the Germany v Australia game, who looks like an extra in La Bamba - all he needs is a ponytail. Watch out for his cameo in that new film, Machete.

Warning.

In the next three days the high-scoring cowboys of world football are upon us, with Holland, Brazil and Spain 'hitting the field'. Germany have simply opened the flood gates people.

And Last But Not Least...The New Germany.

Yes, I've left them last because I'm English and I'm allowed to do that, you bloody fascists.

The evening started off with me hoping that both Germany and Australia would lose, and football being the only winner. I sort of got that right, as it seems Germany have peaked too early and will crash out in the next round, a la Bulgaria '94, and the Aussies will now be redundant without Tim 'No Really, I'm A Boxer' Cahill to head goals in for them.

Also, Lahm looks like he should be starring in the Inbetweeners, Marko Marin is actually twelve years old, and Ozil looks like Wednesday from the Addams Family. Ha!

My Podolski Issue.

Since the last World Cup I have been banging on about how this little upstart is over-rated so much that it makes my teeth itch. He's then decided to play really, really well for the national side, but I'm still sticking to my guns. He's a meany young twat who is too big for his boots, and should feel very sorry for himself before he gets too big for his britches.

Okay, now for:

The New Germany (Without My England 'Hat' On).

This is no longer the muscular, efficent and heartless Germany that we've all grown up on. This is the New Germany.

It's characteristics will be hard to get used to, but we have time to do so. They are incredibly technically gifted, and possess pace in both their passing and running. Their team is powerful and their football is fluid, with an adaptable formation and confidence that shouldn't come so easily to such an inexperienced group of players.

This isn't merely judged over their last group game, I've been watching them and the transformation has been a slow one. But it is finally here.

This isn't to say that they had it all their own way against the Aussies, and they definitely got a bit of luck in the game (but aren't the Germans always oh so very lucky?). First half the Aussies made the Germans look good, with defending so bad that it even gave an England fan some heart. Start of the second half, the Aussies put on Bret Holman and ended up playing like me and Si do with our Master League team, and Germany were chasing them for ten minutes.

But in the end, the Germans showed that thing missing from this World Cup so far. Hunger. Not just any old hunger, but one for goals and football - the best type of hunger a man can get.

Mesut Ozil will be world class within a year, if he isn't already, Klose is....well, Klose, and it seems that Lahm has finally learnt how to be a leader on the field. Great, I can sleep safe and sound now knowing that England, despite having a similar team, will always find it a task to play the way Germany did tonight.

I'll leave you with the answers I received from my fellow football brainiacs, to the question "why can't England play like this, even just a little bit?"

- Because then we'd be German, and no one wants that.

- Don't worry, they've peaked too early.

- Mentality (that was from a German actually, typically frosty response).

- Clinical bastards, ain't they?

- I feel jealous.

- Anyway, I don't care how we play, we're the best and we invented football, and we are going to win the final 10-0.

World Cup 2010: "I bet he doesn't fumble that when he has to catch his wallet."

2010-06-12T00:45:00.000-07:00

I was riled up early doors today, 7am to be exact, by a Tweet from no other than My Favourite Magazine When I Was Sixteen And 'Underground' - Hip Hop Connection. They stated:

"U.S. people don't realize how average Donivan is. Rooney, Gerrard, Cole, bitches!"

Too true. Well, it was in the morning at least.

With that war-cry ringing in my ears, as well as the dull drone of the vuvuzela's last night (more on that in a bit), I nipped in the shower and thought of beating up Yanks. That was nice.

Another Reason To Heart Wayne Rooney.

It seems the plump little scamp could be the key in getting Ray Ray Domenech out of football management. It seems Wooney has won over the silver-haired Parisian, as Ray Ray states:

"He's my idol, a player who makes me feel just like a fan whenever I watch him. It's like I'm in the stands, with a scarf around my neck, shouting 'Allez Rooney'!"

I liked the bit about a wearing a scarf, the genius is in the details.

Nice Summary.

It seems that Uruguay have become the latest victim/beneficiary of John Ashdown's genius theory known as 'The Lee Carsely Effect'. This is when a team or a player is so underrated by everyone in 'the know', that they end up becoming overrated. Suarez anyone?

(NB. Carsley looks quite a lot like a friend of mine - Dave 'The Rave' Wheelhouse.)

Upset. Again.

Whilst listening to what used to be my 'baby' to produce - the Guardian's Football Weekly Podcast (repeat after me: I AM NOT BITTER) - Barry Glendenning got on my last nerve by claiming that it was actually racist to moan about the constant drone of the vuvuzelas at the World Cup, because "that's what they do in South Africa".

Barry, it's not racist, it's just a dislike of a population that has whole-heartedly, unflinchingly bought into the latest World Cup fad under the guise of 'tradition' (did we listen to this constant noise during everyone of the African Nations Cups that the South Africans featured in?). All they've really ended up doing is not letting the players and coaches hear the fans abusing them, and instead have made a Mr. Vuvu Zela a very rich man. As I said earlier, I actually woke up this morning with that buzzing still in my ears, but I'm not going to lie - I liked it. All that drone of buzzing bees just made me want to listen to a Wu Tang Clan album. Let's hope they descend on the tournament for an impromptu gig at half time.

Another small point, we're always told that the World Cup is a celebration of diversity. Yet, with all these horns, isn't the atmosphere at every game the same? Fair play if the Africans are insisting on wasting their breath, but what about the passionate singing of the English, Argies and Dutch? I find it a shame, that's all.

Guillem Gets Me Going. Again.

I stumbled upon a great article from Mr. Balague (I'd wear a scarf and scream his name, given half a chance) which, no doubt, every Football Manager addict will wet themselves at. Them and Harry Redknapp.

Another 'Most Disturbing Thing This World Cup' Addition.

I am speechless.

"Fantastic." That was the word I was looking for.

Other than this, I was clearly disturbed by the image of Kevin Keegan before the England game. He looks like he's still recovering from that England v Germany game at Wembley, and the only purpose he seems to serve is to remind us that managing England will leave you pale, disconnected and weak. Good luck Fabio.

The Point I Needlessly Pissed My Pants.

When the Argentina team sheet was released. Ultimately, they were a let down.

Things I Thunk About England And That.

1) I'm just tired of this now. I've now fully realised that the team that we have is not one capable of winning a trophy.

2) The team has tried and failed to play possession football, under numerous managers and using numerous players. We will never play that type of football, so accept it and lets try to figure out how we can implement the same system that makes English sides so good in European club competitions.

3) After trying to implement this exact system I just mentioned, it now is obvious that it doesn't work and England are f**ked.

4) Since the team has only really stared 'performing' in the second half of games, I feel the England side should be one that controls the game, rather than reacts to it. I am clinically fed up with having to wait to see my team show it's true colours. No other top seeded fan needs to do that, apart from France, and why do we want to be like them?

5) I'm sick of the gyp that Robert Green got after that blunder. Okay, it was awful, but are you seriously telling me that another English keeper in the world (let alone the squad) isn't prone to making mistakes? Especially when the whole team switches off after going a goal up, and decides it's better to perform like Wednesday for the second half of the season. Let me make this clear...

IT IS THE WHOLE TEAM'S FAULT. INCLUDING FABIO.

6) As I was so bloody pissed in the pub after the game, I have only just heard third and second hand that Katy Perry was an interviewee on ITV after the game. No matter how minty she is, I believe there is no point asking a celebrity (female or male) on the merits of the team straight after the match. They are celebrities. Put your dick in your pants and remember that they only turn up when football gets them into the paper or on TV.

7) Why do we believe that friendlies are irrelevant, when the team plays just as bad in the 'proper' games? At least friendlies give us an idea of how bad we are.

8) It seems, at last, that England fans have accepted the fact we're not as good as people (meaning the media in the last ten years) say we are, as most in my local pub were happy with a draw and can only see us getting to the quarter finals. I prefer that to disillusioned dickheads who think we can win everything because "we kicked a ball first and showed the world how to toe-peck a pigs bladder into a goal".

9) Never to trust Clive Tyldesley, as after eight minutes into the USA game he started spouting some nonsense about how much this England team would be banged on about if (I think he meant 'when') we win the trophy.

More Speed Than Sense.

That award goes to the angry young fellow that is Odemwingie. I think the problem was that his hair was braided too tight. We've all been there.

South Korea Are...And That's What I Want.

As Iran haven't made it to this years tournament, I'm striving to find a team to follow other than England. On paper, it should be North Korea, but I may go for their rivals after their first showing.

Why? Well, not only do football commentators refers to the fans as "turning up in their usual choreographed splendour" (what a lovely way to be known), and not only for having the Ian Wright of Korean football in Lee Jung Soo (he made his debut at 28 - there's hope for us all yet, and it lies in Korea), but because of their number 17, Lee Chung-Yong.

Touted as 'a bit special' in journalist circles last year, including Chris Kamara's inner circle (that sounds wrong), he should be playing in a Top Four side soon, with all his dainty flicks and starry passing. This boy just needs quality players around him in order to shine. A bit like Lamps.

Honorable mention goes to their left back, Lee Young-Pyo. Any man that thinks more Christians on a team make it play better needs a place in my World Cup squad. Oh, and Martin Jol's a fan, so that's another plus point.

Bit That Made Me Tee Hee.

Okay, I admit that the World Cup makes me really immature, but you try stopping giggling to yourself at this Greece mascot holding his knob. Awww.

Add to this that ITV HD missed the Gerrard goal, because they went to an advert, and you have a TV station who's credible output is one comparable to that of a pro-Chavez station in Venezuela.

Edgar Bloody Davids On Tele.

I love Edgar. He changed Barca into a title-winning side, and I always remember that story of him living with Thierry Henry, when they used to play keepy-uppy all the time whilst cooking, being on the phone etc. When I was a kid, that's what I dreamt all players did at home.

Saying that, it did seem that Edgar was slightly stoned, which is the only reason I can see a player of his calibre coping with appearing a pundit on ITV. Even thought Robbie Earle did try to bail him out numerous times, it seems Edgar is going to enjoy his days off the old Amsterdamian way.

Things I Want To Happen After The World Cup.

1) Me to wake up one day with El Diego's beard.

2) Redondo to come out of retirement. All that long hair on the pitch in the Argentina v Nigeria match made me miss that magician.

3) Me to sell Obasi in my Football Manager career, as in real life he's nowhere near as good. 19 pace and 20 dribbling isn't enough to keep him at Wednesday.

4) Every football fan in the world to be implanted with a chip in their ear, that gives you audio commentary of a footballers thoughts in the voice of Jonathan Pearce. This was inspired by Pearce all of a sudden becoming Leo Messi, whispering "come and get me, come and get me"as Leo held onto the ball and waited for a tackle.

5) The Nigerian midfielder, Haruna, to be outed as Bug's dad from The Wire. My brother came up with that claim, as well as seeing Clay Davis in the crowd. Let's hope Mr. Partlow isn't hunting around the Nigerian training camp.

6) Me to not worry about England as much, and to accept that we're not a 'Top Four Team' on this stage.

Bittersweet Moment Of The World Cup.

The fact that Gennaro Gattuso has decided to retire from international football. What a legend. He's the most British Italian footballer I've ever seen, and now I'm going to have to start to hate Italy again for the sole reason that they're rubbish to watch and nobody lunges in anymore. Except for an angry Cassano chasing back.

Bit That I Pressed Rewind.

When Leo Messi, off balance and leaning backwards by the touchline, proceeded to control a looping pass with his head, making the ball land dead at his feet. He's a little genie, he is.

Things I Thunk About Argentina And That.

1) Argentina seem to have adopted the Barca system, but just a lot more wild and impatient. They remind me of Fifa 96.

2) Veron is a lot more athletic than he used to be - is he ageing backwards?

3) Leo Messi will produce the same form he had at Barca, but they won't win the World Cup - not with that defensive line.

Best Quote.

When we saw England concede to the USA via a Robert Green blunder, Dave 'The Rave' piped up with:

"I bet he doesn't fumble that when he has to catch his wallet."

Fair play to him, after I choked on my pint he did admit that quote was a bit silly.

World Cup 2010: A Personality Keeper.

2010-06-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I do agree with Adrian Chiles, in that the World Cup is 'glorious madness', but that baby-faced prick made me re-make a tea for him with a minute to go before our radio show went live on air, so up yours Chiles!

Anyway, glorious madness, that's what I love about these tournaments. And on day one, there's been plenty of things to get me going, good and bad. Here are just a few.

Demanding News Anchor.

As it became evident that Nelson Mandela wouldn't display his wirey frame to the whole world to see at the opening ceremony, the news went mad. What's going to happen if the public out there don't recognise one single person at this ceremony and switch over to the Jeremy Kyle Show? They needn't have worried, R.Kelly was on hand to see over things, a close second to Mandela really, if you think about it. Even so, the news went bonkers over it, so much so that one Sky Sports News presenter demanded something be done. Whilst talking to a South African correspondent in London, he said:

"As Nelson Mandela won't be making it to the opening ceremony, just pay tribute to the man for what he's bought to the World Cup."

Hold on, should anyone really be told to pay tribute to someone else? I always thought it was best coming from the heart. Anyway, the bloke just decided to speak in South African for a bit, completely bemusing the presenter and making him look like the dickhead that he is.

The South African Surprise.

That would have to be Siboniso Gaxa, the right back. Some very nice one touch volleyed passes in the game, my favourite - look out for him going to somewhere like Spurs where he can maraud forward with no care for Dawson and King. Also, turns out the lad can have one as well, scoring the goals of the season in 07-08.

A special mention has to go to Siphiwe Tshabalala, for having easily the most enjoyable name to sing in the shower to. I personally recommend singing his name along to Saturday Night by Whigfield, replacing all those other lyrics of nonsense.

Most disturbing thing so far in this World Cup.

Weirdo's around the World Cup are going to be hard-pressed to beat this video I took from Sky Sports (yes, I know what you're thinking - is this all I do? Sit around watching Sky Sports till something relatively strange/funny happens? And the answer is yes. This is all I do). Please try to ignore the watermark labelling this an 'Evaluation Copy' - this is mainly down to my own skinflint ways and not shelling out for a proper AVI convertor.

A few things to look out for, bar the absolutely awful manner in which the soldiers attempt to act and how the camera man thinks up some of the ludicrous shots.

1) "Just like you, we have to hit the target under pressure." That's the first time I've heard a shot on goal being compared to a strike on a weapons factory in the middle of a nursery in Iraq, or somewhere with a lot of sand.

2) The theme-tune rendering this 'Message To The Boys' into some sort of badly-themed Forces Training Video.

3) The soldier being so easily distracted by a football when mounting or dismounting a high-powered weapon of some sort. No wonder there's friendly fire over there, half the time his mates are pissing about in the back of the tank playing footy.

4) The desperation on the dog-handler's face whilst being mauled. Was it worth it mate? Really, was it?

5) The northern bloke who somehow feels it necessary to explain what medium they'll be following the England games on. We get it, you're at war and the footy's on - ask your Sarge to ship over some radios or summit.

6) The final insult of a Scotsman backing England. Is that what our forces are made up of? A bunch of shape-shifting Benedict Arnold's who would dob their own countries footy team in for a chance to appear on a twenty four hour sports new channel owned by an Aussie?

ITV Coverage.

I'm guessing this will be a running theme on this blog, as they do ask for it sometimes. I'll just bullet point them, it's easier that way.

1) Why is Gabriel Clarke constantly resembling a squinting rat?

2) Does Jim Rosenthal have to make that over-the-top disgusted face every time Lucas Radebe blows a vuvuzela down his lug hole? He could at least tone it down to the squinting rat act, instead of a petrified elf.

3) Clive Tyldesley came up with a cracker, after referring to the South African number one as a 'personality goalkeeper'. Wow, what is one of those Clive? To me, the keeper was constantly on the verge of being typically African and erratic, but somehow managed to pull it off and appear quite solid. A hard trick to master.

BBC Coverage.

Inspired choice to put Daddy-bayor on the pundit's round table. Let's hope for some outlandish remarks that do little to disguise his disappointment at not playing. And I have some sort of strange love for Seedorf, he reminds me of Football Italia and just how good that Sampdoria team was.

Also, I agree with Lawro's comments that all we'd seen in the first half of the France v Uruguay game were replays, and that's how I think football will turn out in the end. The game will just become one massive montage of replays, from an actual match that was played a few hours beforehand behind closed doors to a soundtrack of vuvuzelas. Every match, that's right.

Things I Thunk About Mexico And That.

1) Any team that leaves three at the back shouldn't employ Rafael Marquez as one of those three. Not unless you want to get caught on the break, anyway.

2) Franco is awful, he's like a big burly hinderance to the whole team.

3) Oscar Perez, the Mexico keeper, is yet another look-a-like of me. I should start a tally.

4) The whole Mexican side reminds me of the Eredivisie. Full of young talent, not yet the finished article but always liking a good jink about the field, not scared of a bosh at goal, always trying to pass it with the inside of their strong foot, but culminating in a lack of conviction up front.

5) Giovani looks good, but it seems like he's scared of imploding if he holds the ball for longer than ten seconds.

A Note About Americans.

Another thing to annoy me, as if I needed that. Saw a Tweet by John Legend at half time in the South Africa match saying:

"0-0 at half time, that's why this sport isn't so popular in the US. Americans need instant gratification."

Has he never heard of a 'thrilling nil nil'? Or did that just come about once Sky had taken over football, and every televised game since that day has been described as 'amazing' or 'spectacular'?

Best Quote.

"Other countries have their history, Uruguay has its football."

Things I Thunk About The France Match And That.

How much more typically French can Domenech's team get? William Gallas is crying like a little baby and not talking to the media for the whole tournament. Florence And The Machine Malouda manages to upset Raymond beforehand and gets a seat on the bench. Jezzy Toulalan keeps the Ginola thing going, by looking good with greying hair.

Also, I can't believe how sweaty Diego Lugano's top lip was during the national anthem. Now that's passion. And I love the directness of Uruguay - no messing about, just give it the front two and let them get on with it.

Most Dismal Sixty Minutes On The Pitch.

Yoan Gourcuff actually looked like his mind stopped working.

Players And That.

That Diego Perez narrowly misses out on the man of the match trophy from that dismal second game, to the Player Of The World Cup Who Plays In London And Is French With No Hair - Vassiriki Abou Diaby. As Steve Wilson describes him, "he's vast."

Tomorrow's Headline.

BORE-AGUAY!

World Cup 2010: Actual World Cup Fever.

2010-06-11T01:31:00.001-07:00

As I loaded up the shop fridge with Milky Bars this morning, an old man came to get served at the counter. Seeing me wearing my Brazil Penta 2002 shirt, he started dithering around for change and struggling with his words. Eventually he came out with something football related, along the lines of:

"It all kicks off today hey? It's a shame about Ronaldo isn't it?"

Now, I ignored the Ronaldo bit and carried on with the usual:

"Yeah, not long now. Can't wait. Fingers crossed for the boys hey?"

But he was having none of it. In fact, he got more animated (probably thinking I had no idea about the news on Ronaldo). He again reiterated the shame around Ronaldo not being there. I automatically presumed he meant the Real Ronaldo, as he's known in Thandi House, and told him that he hasn't been picked for Brazil in a long time. But he insisted it was that twat Cristiano, so I immediately went into panic that this flakey old man knew more about football than me. Trying to retain my composure, I pretended I knew what was happening and went along with him. Then he comes out with:

"Shame, him and Rooney work well together. Now what?"

Now it became evident. He was having a footballing fit. This was actual World Cup Fever, transcending into World Cup Madness. He was under the impression that England had been playing every week since last September and were managed by a Scotsman. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was thinking of Manchester United, and comforted him with the fact that at least we still have Nemmy Vidic at the back.

All the tell-tale signs are there. The tattered 1990-1998 England shirts, the obscenely large St. George's flags draped over front porches and garages, white vans taking a hint from BA Baracus and painting a giant red cross on their sides, and that air of national pride waiting to spill over into xenophobic slurs this coming Saturday night. World Cup Fever is among us in Langold, and I'm going to have to stay on my toes if I'm going to get through it without losing my nut over preposterous football conversations.

Onto the actual World Cup itself. Whilst watching the plastic and soulless Kick Off Concert last night, I knew we were off to a bad start from the off, when Trevor Nelson appeared on the screen. Now, I understand he's a Chelsea fan 'through and through', but then why is it that I can imagine him putting on pretty much any Top Four club shirt in order to get an extra hour on the decks in Ibiza? He's always struck me as an MTV Footy Fan, who share a lot of likenesses to the New Age Premier League Fan (different to the Premiership Fan, as they remember nothing before Roman Abramovich).

So, things were underway and I gritted my teeth as the show went on. Black Eyed Peas. I even got through that 'performance', but it was when I heard all the South Africans singing:

"New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do when you're in New York."

Ignore that fact it's not relevant (none of the show was), but isn't that a bit mad? Surely South Africans shouldn't have to bleet on about New York, when they should be able to realise their dreams somewhere in their continent at least. And let's face it, the possibility of that happening to them is the same as Randy Wagstaff coughing up everything he knows about the murder of Lex, busting out of that group home, finding Ellis Carver and setting up a Baltimore grocery store with funding from Prez.

Then I heard Sepp Blatter is standing for re-election as FIFA President. Seems like he's learnt his stuff at the Burmese School of Politics. Oh well, at least this didn't tick me off as much as Darren Lewis on Sky Sports News this morning.

Talking about the prospect of the first World Cup on African soil, Darren stated:

"As a black man, I'm especially proud of it being in South Africa."

Now, this I can get. But then he went on moaning about how everything has been against South Africa, with people thinking the stadiums wouldn't be finished on time and what not. Really Darren? I wonder why that was then? Perhaps because we don't believe you, and nor did FIFA as they bailed South Africa out earlier this year. He seems to me like a twat who actually relishes the black/white divide, so he can stay on The Black List of The Voice newspaper. And then he finishes it all off by saying the World Cup will break down racial boundaries in South Africa - but yet, as a black man, you're especially proud of it being held there. Is it just me, or is that reinforcing the exact same boundaries you're twating on about?

"Whooo, we feel ESPECIALLY proud of it being in a majority black country."

I'm sure the white and brown people do as well Darren. Talking of reinforcing divides, judging by the BBC World Cup opening sequence, South Africa doesn't exactly strike you as a First World country does it? I'm sure people won't be mingling with lions and gorilla's in the fan zones, that's just silly. And dangerous.

World Cup 2010: Now THIS is a Group Of Death.

2010-06-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's not even started yet, but already I'm sick to my well-worn back teeth of being told the same old thing, either by the robots on Sky Sports News or the 'Come-On-England-I'm-in-the-pub-instead-of-work-so-I-can-have-a-go-at-Capello-first-we-can-win-it-if-we-had-an-Englisman-in-charge-Heskey's-a-donkey-and-I-still-hate-Owen-Hargreaves' fan in the pub, that this is this years Group Of Death:

GROUP G

Just because you can't be bothered to actually look past the flags and your meagre knowledge of the past three World Cups, and you've just outlined your argument after reading a preview in the Sheffield Star and Four Four Two, doesn't make it wholly right.

If you look closer, I think you'll find that THIS is a Group Of Death:

GROUP D

Now, my argument is two fold.

1) In Group D, you'd be hard pressed to pick a clear front-runner and eventual winner, not without seeing the first round of games anyway. In Group G, there's Brazil. That's all you need to know.

2) In Group D, you'd be a brave man or butch lady to tell me the team that will come bottom. In Group G, there's North Korea. Yes, the team that tried to smuggle in an extra striker by disguising him as a goalkeeper.

Okay, I'll grant you the fact that Brazil v Portugal will be the clincher in that group, but only just as much as England v USA is in our group (2-1 England by the way). I don't see Sven modelling his Ivorian Army in any threatening form to be honest, with Gervino not international class just yet and with players with silly names like 'Yapi Yapo'.

The key for Portugal doing well will be the form of the back two, in Ricky Carvalho and Bruno Alves, and the use of Danny (now that Nani's injured). Fuck Ronaldo, he will perform because the camera's are on. Oh, and if Raul Meireles can add anymore tattoos to his torso, then he might scare some defenders into letting him bag a goal or two.

In Group D, EVERY game will be fascinating.

Things to look forward to in Group D:

1) The Germans versus the Aussies. Who will us English punt for? That in itself is a fascinating insight into the mind of the Englishman - do I go for a sports mad, but backward bush-wacking gallah, or the guys who nicked our Three Lions song? Hmmm.

2) With a little bit of research I found that the Aussies met the Germans in the 1974 World Cup, and promptly lost 3-0. I can smell that cold dish of revenge right now.

3) Will Sully Muntari prove that he has moved on from his Pompey days? This is his time, he has to take it, especially now that Michael 'I'm-the-best-in-the-world-in-my-position-and-I-like-to-have-a-ping-at-goal' Essien is out.

4) Toni Kroos establishing himself as a German national team regular, and therefore branding himself has a hate figure in all of England.

5) The amount of players ending with '-ic' in the Serbia team that we'll take away remembering fom this World Cup. It'll be like the Red Star Belgrade show all over again, with Milan Jovanovic and Milos Krasic looking awesome on the wings, they have Dejan Stankovic and Nemmy Vidic to hold their spine together. Not literally, of course.

6) The sparks that could fly if Kwadwo Asamoah and Dominic Adiyiah combined well for the Black Stars. These guys look quality, even if the manager insists on playing one up front.

7) Mesut Ozil being kicked all over the shop. If you're going to insist on playing a dwarf playmaker, make sure he's Hagi or Messi. Not this guy.

8) Zoran Tosic and Gojko Kacar running the last group game against Australia.

9) Carl Valeri getting a game for Australia. Known as 'Mini-Vinnie' by the rest of the squad, because he also plays in Serie B, like Vinnie Grella. The traditionally hilarious Aussie humour coming out there.

PS - as a side note, I keep hearing this cheeky things about the Uruguay team, mainly from the Guardian pundits (who I think might just be trying too hard). I thought they only had Forlan and Suarez (a legend in my Pro Evo Master League Ajax team), but there's a young lad called Nicky Lodeiro that's touted to shine. I thought I recognised the name, and I was right - looking back at my footy mags, it seems World Soccer had cottoned onto him last year. Lovely stuff. Still, they won't do owt if they're as inconsistent as they were in qualifiers. So there.

World Cup 2010: It's So Excitiiiiiiiiiiiing.

2010-06-09T03:41:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm the most excited man in Langold at the prospect of 32 nations going 'at it' in South Africa this month. Bar the theft of my England flag, there's not a lot that could dour my spirits at the moment - football is on the menu, and I'm ordering the full four course meal.

For me, this World Cup isn't about the first being held on the Motherland's soil (although I am looking forward to the African footballing disease of funny goalkeeping and lunging tackles to catch on), it's not about ITV shipping out another awful Fantasy Football Special for me to puke up my childhood memories on, it's not about the new ball or THAT Nike advert, it's not about Spain playing cartoon football at the group stages and coming unstuck at the hands of those wiley Italians, and it's not about the Sun endlessly telling us to BELIEVE.

For me, this World Cup is about one man.

El Diego.

I mean, look at him.

Now imagine him as England manager.

That's what the Argies have to look forward to - a manmade excuse/solution to their barren spell in international football. He's used 108 players since he's been in charge. He's put one bloke in the squad solely on the basis that he had a dream about winning the World Cup, and this player was the only one he could remember. He's left two Champions League winners, and top performers, out of the squad.

And he's kept my school look-alike in.

Most people hate Diego. I don't. Without him, us England fans would never have had the tried and tested blame game to play - from Koeman and Brolin, to Ronaldo and Simeone. Also, I'm sure most fans revel with this chip on our shoulder. Fans are stupid that way. We also would never have seen how the modern footballer would turn out. El Diego led the way in decline, humour, tragedy and political satire.

I can't wait to see him on the sideline, hopefully with cigar in tow, swearing through national anthems and putting on all six of his international class strikers. And I especially can't wait to see what happens if and when Argentina lose to Brazil. Oh, and will he belly flop on the floor again?

The man could be the first since Der Kaiser to lift the World Cup as manager as well as player, and I'd much rather him than the awfully dressed Dunga. A Guile haircut shouldn't been seen near the trophy in my opinion, and no man should be dressed by his daughter. Yes, El Diego has looked to mess it up many a time, and still could - but there's something about his 'squad of no full backs' that's makes me think he could steer them to the final. Then lose.

But then again, there's something about El Diego himself which makes me think the whole squad could be going home before July after Walter Samuel and Gabriel Heinze retain their form from their Real Madrid days and Messi is played in midfield.

As for the rest of the 31 teams, here are my predictions.

Winners: Brazil, playing more tiresome football than in 1994 and grinding out a win on penalties in the final against either Italy or Argentina. Spain will poetically crash out in the quarters after (as Tim Lovejoy puts it) not having a Plan B, and constantly play mesmerising football without actually putting the ball in the back of the net.

England: Will get to the semi's after a relatively easy run in. Rooney will be our top scorer, but injury and growing tabloid pressure will render him useless against the Brazilians. This will then propel all England fans and newspaper editors to believe we have a good enough team, and credible league, to win the trophy before the 2042 World Cup in India.

Top Goal Getterer: I've followed enough World Cups now to realise this topic is a mugs game. Who bloody knows, it could be anyone from Robin Van Persie to Nikola Zigic.

Player to watch: Well, it would have to be Jesus Navas for me, closely followed by Gregory Van Der Wiel.

Player who I'd like to see get games: Aside from Aaron Lennon, it would have to be Christian Eriksen.

Surprise of the tournament: I've had an inkling that Serbia might do something, but that's like saying an African team will reach the final of the World Cup before 2022. So no, it won't be them then. Okay okay, the surprise will have to be El Diego actually showing some management nouse throughout the month. On and off the field.

The Bizarro World Cup

2010-05-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

Just a quick shout out to a great spanking new blog in time for the World Cup - check it out at

http://bizarrowc.blogspot.com/

Wedding Song.

2010-05-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

I found the song for my first dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPFUwnp1oo&feature=related

Titus Andronicus

2010-03-30T02:38:00.001-07:00

One of the best albums I've heard in a very long time, with a recipe of politics, shoegazing, punk and rock it makes a captivating listen. The video for the new single:

http://www.prefixmag.com/media/titus-andronicus/a-more-perfect-union-video/39065/

Treme Trailer...and Messi

2010-03-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Just bumped into this on the web, for any David Simon fans. He sorta wrote The Wire.

http://www.hbo.com/global-video/video.html/?autoplay=true&vid=1084657&filter=treme&view=null

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jnSzAI3gCQ

PS - Leo Messi is rather good...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2010/mar/22/leo-messi-barcelona-la-liga-spain

Please Don't Try.

2010-03-13T02:39:00.001-08:00

We live in marvelous times. Never will we see a pop star try harder to be original and cover up their severe lack of talent than Lady Gaga. The new 9 minute edition of her awful music video only leads me to think she'll be around for longer than the Spice Girls (and at least they knew they were shit...or did they Geri 'UN' Halliwell?). Cue plaudits and honour killings in the name of the poor dykes Madonna. I'd rather watch Double Decker Sandwich 7 and get something out of it in the end.

PS: Whilst this is a music video far more worth your time...and it's only two minutes long Gaga! Pah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx4MBjl-bGc&feature=player_embedded#

Steve Malbranque!!

2010-03-13T02:18:00.000-08:00

Hip hop just got real with this mixtape cover.

Angles

2010-03-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

Bumped into a decent new music video whilst surfing:

http://www.prefixmag.com/media/kid-cudi/pursuit-of-happiness-f-mgmt-ratatat-alternate-vide/38442/

Hip Hop Choir and Autotune Lives

2010-02-20T02:31:00.000-08:00

I know linking a blog on a blog is frowned upon, but so many things to be said about the new 'We Are The World' video. A hip hop choir? Really? And why is Lionel so patronising to Celine Dion? Reminds me on Mrs. Roland, my old music teacher.

Janet Jackson's eyes look as dead as her brothers.

Does T-Pain use autotune in everyday life? If he wants to blag a free cinema ticket, the only way they'll know it's him is if he hold one of those voice boxes at his throat. Plus, why did Nipsey Hu$$tle even bother turning up?

But I suppose we can all rest easy now there two less hip hop blogs out there.

Enjoy: http://www.prefixmag.com/forum/music/8370/

Lukey 'Two Tunes'

2010-02-19T14:44:00.000-08:00

Just taking time out to share a lovely moment from a night out in Derby. This is what happens when you hog the jukebox at Seymours and allocate yourself two tunes. Karma baby, karma.

Happy Birthday Dilla

2010-02-07T06:16:00.001-08:00

Fair enough, I didn't know the lad but he's damn good on those drum machine thingys....

http://www.myspace.com/jdilla

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68_Io-RPDXE

Ray Hudson

2010-02-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

Some light relief now, thanks to the Football Ramble for pointing out this legend - honestly the best football commentator I've ever heard. "Like a big windmill waiting for the ball..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS6Np-g_h5w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgk04dtId7Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pca2t3A5rk

Dense Blood

2010-02-02T05:27:00.000-08:00

At a recent family function, it dawned on me how biological ties can not be stretched to ones will. In other words, it's remarkable just how much I haven't got in common with people in my family.

Note I said people in my family, and not my family as a whole. That should save me a few headaches.

There I sat, making pleasantries with men from my family, and it was exactly that. Pleasant. So pleasant in fact, that my face started to ache. Then, as the hours rolled by, I realised my toes had gone to sleep through all their curling. Then I started to look around, and the faces all mirrored mine. Why are we all here? Sat next to one another because of some implausible human reaction to shared blood. The conversation amongst the older men was especially numb, and as the kids compared phones and Bejeweled scores, I began running through similar moments in my family history.

And I struggled. Struggled to find one instance where a topic arose where there was fervent dialogue from all sides. Oh no, wait - there was that time we all discussed if the fish was better at my cousins wedding or my uncles. Boy, people still carry scars from that one. The thing that broke my boredom was one of cousins husbands squirming in his seat, as he proceeded to hide the fact he was so pissed that his eyebrows were dancing.

And that's what happens. If people who have nothing in common except for birth rights are forced to spend a day together, they slowly fall apart. This is especially true for middle-aged British Asians. Alcohol, a common enemy or inane Bhangra music is where we can come together.

Like Tim suggests in The Office, we share the same floor space with people at work more than our own friends. So when we meet someone at work that we genuinely connect with, it means that little bit more. And that's Tim from The Office saying that.

The same can be said for the floor space we share with family.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am a snob that can't relate to common truths amongst my family. Topics like weddings, cars, naive football knowledge (my favourite) and my cousin brother looking like a monkey only hold my attention as much as a Black Eyed Peas record.

When all is said and done, blood is dense. The kind of density that is unfortunate but unavoidable in my family. I fear the day I have to pick my friends over family, but I know one thing - my friends will understand my reasoning whatever the outcome. My wedding should be a hoot. Can't wait to see my families faces as we mosh out to Rage on the dance floor, and I can revel in my true self for once at a family function.

Let it be known, I have actually tried to exert my own view and preferences on family members, only to be addressed with vacant looks, shaking heads or blatant changes of subject. I mean, try discussing the politics that invoked a television series like Big Brother, and you get responses like "That Makosi's just acting up to the cameras" or "Shilpa deserves that degree after all she went through". Wow. Once, I did point out that 'acting up to the cameras' was sort of a prerequisite for those people, and I was looked on like a snobbish prick who's just burped up a shit sandwich. Plus, I'd never felt more 'white' in my life - but that's another blog post altogether.

Now, before my family read this post and deliver endless vendettas and sulks my way, I just want to bastardise Henry David Thoreau;

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, than family, give me truth."

I think I might just tattoo that on my left arm in time for my wedding.

My Impression of Depression

2010-01-30T02:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that, within the four walls of my shower and bedroom, I like to imagine that I'm depressed.

There I was singing in the morning, when I realised that for the past half hour I'd been crowing on about how bloody miserable I am. The thing is I'm not. Well, not that I know of. Suddenly that warm feeling of fakeness crawled up my throat and stopped me mid-Eels song.

After flicking through my playlist for confirmation, it's quite apparent that I'd been constantly referring to talking cats and kicking people in the eye through my depressing disillusionment with life. Then I went to my bookshelf; The Black Sheep, The Plague, World War Z, The Case Against God, Fred and Rose...the list goes on. It's like pre-training for the Samaritan SAS. I seriously need to crack open that De Mello book on Awareness.

Stepping back from the noose, outside those aforementioned four walls I actually skip to work in the mornings and relish 1980's pop music and bro-mance comedies. In fact, I've been noted as one of the most friendly people in Langold - even more so that the simple kid who loves Dib Dabs.

So, I've come to conclusion that I love to feel depressed through the mediums of song and literature. And it's not just me. Some of the chumiest people I know love to croon to Morrissey (even whilst making love) and debate the general demise of life - it's like Sean Penn's Jeff Spicoli carrying a library card whilst using both parts of his brain.

It seems we all love to spend an alloted time desiring to be depressed, just as long as the emergency stop button is well within reach. Now I'm off to listen to Harmonix by Surfer Blood and chill out.

My iTunes Preview Playlist

2010-01-24T01:40:00.000-08:00

The lists continue as I gear up for a year of life up north, and to go with it I'm equipping myself with a Preview playlist on my iPod. In 09 this mostly consisted of:

Phil Ochs

Radiohead

Nick Cave

Bill Withers

J Dilla

The Smiths

Rage Against The Machine

Mayer Hawthorne

The xx

The Organ

Gil Scott-Heron

And this January I will be mostly listening to:

The Imagined Village

Surfer Blood

Kings Of Convenience

The Pogues

Marina & The Diamonds

Jay Electronica

My Dinosaur Life

The ARE

Seasick Steve

Real Estate

This has mostly been composed from word of mouf and pretty album artwork.

District Nueve

2009-12-22T00:39:00.000-08:00

Came across this rags to riches story recently, pretty decent short film from South America - but Hollywood blockbuster? Not too sure. Still, be good to refer to Uruguay as a something other than the first country to win the world cup.

http://mashable.com/2009/12/19/youtube-movie-robots/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Mashable+%28Mashable%29

Two Ronnies

2009-12-21T03:52:00.001-08:00

I love lists. There it is. Now, if you find innane compilations of Best _ _ _ _ _ Of The Decade lists boring, there's no point reading on...

Looking past the music, film and TV debates of the best stuff this decade, I come to the undeniable winner of World Soccer's list of the Best Players Of The Noughties - Ronaldinho. With Cristiano Ronaldo coming in at second place, cue the arguments.

Whilst I come from the school of Maradona, Cantona and Djalminha, I'm still very susceptible to the work of Carlton Palmer, Mauro Silva and Fatty Brolin - so this list may be edging more toward skill than endeavour. But to say Cristiano Ronaldo is better than Il Dentone is ill-informed spew that smacks of Lovejoy bollocks. (I do love that call in the hyperlink though).

Let's look at the state of the game before they came on the scene - we had a fat Ronaldo, a now-forgotten Luis Figo and Oliver Khan dominating player of the year lists. Not even Zizou could carry the game on his Algerian shoulders for that long. Then came the glory of a Gremio youngster who changed the way that UK viewers approach foreign football - he changed the fortunes of his club, won every trophy he competed for, and was uglier than most footballers we'd ever seen. At one point in a league game, Dinho proceeded to control a ball that was 20 feet in the air, with one touch making it a no-look back-heeled volleyed through ball. As the commentator rightly said, "I'm not having that."

Then came the pretty boy, who's first statement of intent was making Gary Neville look ordinary in a friendly. Not the best barometer of skill really. With his wormy hair, acne and (up to this point) unmerited arrogance, he took a few years to settle in - his skills were great, but his crossing? Fair enough, he repaid that by scoring goals like Andy Cole from a wingers position and won trophies galore - but that wink and annoying screw face had us all mumbling into our pints. And his freekicks were amazing, true that, but look at El Diego - if you can do all that magic with just a left foot, there's really no point using your head.

And after all, isn't that what the player of the decade list should be about - magic? The player that will be remembered for the state of football in eons to come shouldn't be one that's name evokes the words 'cheat' and 'diving'. Instead, we'll think of that lob over Seaman, the Bernabeu applauding, and Petr Cech getting done by a nutmeg from the edge of the box. Oh, and John Terry on his arse - all from a buck-toothed fat guy with a pony tail.

Wolves In The Garden

2009-12-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

Came across a fine song recently, one which I've tried to decipher a few times. A friend suggesting a good context: the wolves represent everything that comes after finding the love of your life, your wife. From the bills, bickering and bullshit, you feebly trying to get to your garden. Nice one Frase.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsfiCi_qWfY

Playing Dumb

2009-12-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've found a part of my brain dumbing itself down.

The first indications came when my other half overheard a conversation I was having with her dad, where he was explaining Tamil culture to me, as I listened on like a little school boy. Now, take into account one of my brothers from another mother is Tamil, I'm well versed on the subject - yet I proceeded to act like a buffoon with intentions of not to offend or exert any intelligence of any type. My girlfriend watched me nod and raise my eyebrows, then took me to task afterwards, wherein I tried to shift the power by using the great excuse "Hello?! I know! I just wanted your dad to look good!". In fact, he's now probably thinking my brain is a waxy pea rolling around in the dustbowl that is my cranium.

Then there's my new found love for Rihanna. Now, I was right there at the front of the cue, measuring tape in hand, waiting to see exactly how big that forehead was....

...and I was also there bemoaning the demise of the traditional English name for Annabella, as little girls screamed "Ella, Ella!" after that number one. But now, I find myself listening to her music, stroking my chin at her interviews on domestic abuse, and championing her eyes to anybody who will listen - all within a slipping veiled guise that she's simply a 'guilty pleasure'. Yeah, when it was Cam'ron I got away with it, but this? I'm not too sure.

And finally, I'm a racist and a bigot. Or almost. For the sake of comfort and not drawing any more attention to myself than my brown skin already was, in the pub recently I happily contributed to a conversation that firmly flipped the bird to any liberal stances I'd gained throughout the last ten years. Within a group of gangly, but burly, Northern blokes, I admitted that social and racial profiling was not just a necessary evil in our post 9-11 village, but that it should be actively practiced whenever possible. Hmmm. Being a victim of such profiling, and priding myself on my snobbish trends such as the Wire and 'socially conscience music', this had the left side of my brain gawping. True, my stance came from my experiences behind the counter of my parents shop, but still - OMFG, wow.

How very strange, that my need to make comfortable conversation kicks in so emphatically (if only they could see me bellowing in the shower to 'Narrow Minded Social Club'). The excuses of irony don't seem to wash somehow, after re-reading this blog. Maybe it's come along with my move from London to my Yorkshire village, but my permit to the proletariat masses is all but stamped - just have to beat up a tramp and nick his two litre bottle of Frosty Jacks (£2 on our Xmas offers list - fuck Select And Save).

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh - otherwise they'll kill you." - Oscar Wilde (credit to Akala's tweets)

Laying Rap To Rest

2009-12-18T02:11:00.000-08:00

Inspired by an email from a friend, and a recent blog post on the Guardian website, I thought I may as well throw in my tuppence worth on the death of hip hop...or should it be rap?

It may seem pedantic and oozing of fan-boy slime, but some mishaps stand out from the blog - like constantly referring to death of rap and hip hop. So hold on, which one is dead? I see rap floating away on some glimmering pop flying saucer, joining the fleet of dance pulse-heavy beats in the pop charts, but hip hop? You all know where I'm going with this, as KRS stated, hip hop is a culture, a way of life: rap is what we hear on the radio. Now, I don't see such a sharp decline in hip hop fashion, hip hop art and hip hop culture as there was at the end of the punk or disco era (all be it only we're only five years into it's reported death). Hip hop culture gobbles up life around it and utilizes it for itself, just like the foundations of its music. With shows like The Wire, punchy noughties comedy from Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle, Obey fashion and even skinny jeans going hand in hand with a mic (thanks to the previous blog from a friend) the message and ideology of hip hop culture is still being translated just as much as other music genres.

Also, pointing out that rap (not hip hop) isn't coming out with compelling personalities anymore, I have to ask - which music genre is exactly? The likes of Lady Gaga, Fever Ray and Empire Of The Sun may dress funny, but that indicates their exact lack of personality. And if we're talking about dressing funny, DOOM anyone? I may not be the most schooled on guitar based music, but the likes of Radiohead, Animal Collective, The xx and Fleet Foxes don't come across as the most entertaining people in the room, but their music speaks volumes. And none have put themselves in the cross hairs of public opinion, look like a slight arse when they do so, but then have the balls to come out with one of the albums of the year.

The blog post in question relies heavily on references to Kanye West, Lil' Wayne and Jay Z - which, if you were to single them out, are breathing flesh bags that indicate that rap has indeed moved into a more European sensibility. But if we were to focus on the best selling artists in the 1990's of hip hop, we'd only ever talk about Deathrow and Bad Boy - hardly the boundary pushing record labels of the genre. They sold records, but did they truly state the vigour and invention of the whole genre? Hip hop heads would point to labels like Rawkus, Violator and even Columbia for pushing the invention of new sounds and lyrics.

On another side note, the references to indie rap (or undie rap) not rising to the top and becoming something you have to seek out has been that way for decades. Hip hop started in mixtape format, then rap came along and showed the masses what hip hop is all about - so in that sense, rap is still dominating radio channels and MTV. All you hear now on the radio are the artists mentioned in this blog, and it'll stay that way for some time - but with solid hip hop albums coming out this year, hip hop heads are still catered for.

(As a side note, the blog I'm discussing doesn't reek of in-depth research, as none of these albums have even been mentioned).

I almost split my own wig when I read that in the 90's, the rap on TV and mainstream radio was the most innovate...what bollocks! As hip hop heads we had to search for the Wu and Pharaoe albums, especially when you live in a small Yorkshire village where on all sides you're getting hit by Nirvana grunge or Britpop wankers! On a smaller scale, it's the same now - we still have to search out the best albums, as blogs and radio stations only mention the players who shift units.

What I do agree with, is that the last half of the noughties has indeed laid to rest rap as we knew it - it's not fresh, the new acts come with less impact and topics are stale. But no music genre can say any different, especially 20-30 years in deep. What we have is a thriving and growing hip hop culture - if one out of a hundred of Lil' Wayne fans are digging in their crates in search of the best hip hop albums ever, then that's worth it.

My god, after a

recent GZA show where he performed all of Liquid Swords, I was put to shame by a crowd of 16 year old white English blokes who knew every lyric to every song!

Genres of music are a dime a dozen, and rap has had to adapt (look at Timbaland and his house music) to sell records. But doesn't all music?

Action

2009-04-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

Effective action is always unjust.

Little Children

2009-04-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Currently, I'm in the middle of watching Little Children, and an hour in it's an absolutely superb film.

I don't usually hold much hope for Kate Winslet drama hours, but have to say I love Patrick Wilson - so far, the sense of human interaction in American suburbia is played out excellently through at least three great set pieces - including a modern day Jaws scene, but with a sex offender wearing the fins.

Now back to the film...

No.

2009-04-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

No.

Letters laden with burden, like their cousin 'if'.

A word that starts to finish a completely powerful sentence.

A word for journeys for answers.

A word to make villains and heroes.

A word that's held aloft or whispered inside.

A word to end all faith in god, and present us a new one.

No - a song to those to who are gone, with never a reason why.

No - a holler of rebellion and mistrust, contagious and feared.

No - a call to arms and swords that square the circle of knowledge.

No - a fair and equal lady, to be used by man.

No - a chipped and shiny coin, faces of hell or heaven.

No to you, them and it.

No to please, thank you.

No to none of it, and all of it at once.

No to gunpowder and bullets, and flowers in rifles.

No to hip, no ties.

No to justice and evil, the Batman and the Joker, to Commie Reds and the 51st State.

No to sitting in flames, salt marches and car bombs.

No to your stories, her stories and histories.

No.

Channels 781 & 833

2009-03-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

Tune into channels 781 and 833 on your Sky box, and you'll be greeted by the friendly smiling brown faces of the Bollywood fraternity.

But the times they are a-changing, and don't us second-generation British Asians know it? Not only do we have to skip through dozens of music channels at thumb-cracking speeds, but the only opportunity we get to spend quality time with the parents is in front of the television. Thanks social networking.

In this bastion of comfort zones, the television used to keep our paternal ties steady and consistent. But beware, this traditional family time is coming to an end people.

Thanks to channels 781 and 833 (I can't move myself to recite their actual names, such is my disgust) we now may have to actually chat to our elders. For no longer is there the traditional absurd fight sequence, the typical Indian dance, or (at a stretch) the warm neck snuggling - now we have women and men who think it's fine to actually bring sex into our living rooms. All before 10pm.

This 'new' form of entertainment is a true student of the 'sex sells' school of marketing. I'm not a lone voice. I've heard plenty of young British Asians voicing their disgust at such a mess, with brown ladies daring to show their legs, waist and cleavage. And the men! Don't get us started!!

There's me thinking, long gone are the days of fumbling for the remote when Jason kissed Kylie on Neighbours - all whilst my parents watched on. But no, now we have to witness our own kind doing the same thing - leaving us with the ultimate low in Asian family entertainment. The Indian news channel.

Something must be done about it, and now. MTV Base and Kiss know how to sell 'sexy', so sell it to us whilst mum cooks the roti. It's simply not right to be using the same model to disturb our precious family time.

Super, god!

2009-03-27T02:24:00.000-07:00

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

That's Homer Simpson's religious tenacity at large, but look deeper and you'll find more than your fair share of reality in his plea.

Imagine you, mum and dad shuffling off on Super Sunday to pray for a just man of steel, one who is for equality and can never really die. Imagine that, with your toy figure in your hand and your eyes clenched shut in some hope He can hear your mumblings amongst a room full of craving mumblers.

Well, my thinly veiled attempt at bringing some light to the world of religion may not be a work of enlightening genius - but it says a whole lot more about the world we live in now, than any 800 year old book.

Spurred on by personal events, a red-flagged book list, an inspiring city, and Larry Davis' latest work - Religulous - my own ideas are being put to paper in a series of writings I'm hoping to expand. Look out for the name 'Swison Nofton'.

Well, Come All

2009-03-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them."

There. That's my first post. On my first blog.